What’s the Deal With Adoption?
Posted on 09 October 2008 by cory
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There are roughly 120,000 adoptions in the United States each year and 2 – 4 percent of all families have 1 or more adopted children.
With so many adoptions happening each year, why are so many men afraid of adoption? Well, according to a new study released by the Federal Government, they aren’t.
Wait, what?
The traditional stereotype has been that men want to continue their lineage with biological children of their own and are reluctant to adopt. The new study shows, however, that men adopt almost twice as much as women do.
A large portion (more than half) of these adoptions are men adopting stepchildren from new marriages. Another portion is single men, straight and gay, adopting. Many married men are also becoming more comfortable with the idea of adoption.
Here are a few stories of men who have chosen to adopt. Their stories are varied and interesting, at times heartwarming and difficult.
Charles Rathman, a marketing analyst from Wisconsin, and his wife adopted an ethnic child. Went through a Lutheran adoption agency and had an uncommonly quick experience.
After completing the necessary paperwork, background checks, and home study, Charles and his wife Carla felt like they were ready to adopt. Having heard stories about adoptions taking months, sometimes years, Charles and his wife felt like they were prepared for the wait. They didn’t understand why their adoption caseworker was so insistent that they finish up the last few loose ends so quickly, but they soon found out.
It turns out that the agency already had a child under care that they were looking to adopt as soon as possible, and the agency wanted Charles and his wife to take this child. Within weeks of finishing their paperwork, they had a child placed in their home.
There are a ton of couples who have chosen to share their stories of adoption on the internet. Many of these couples share their stories using free blogging software like Blogger.com or WordPress.com. To read a few, try clicking here for Charles & Carla’s story, or here for Mary & Mike’s story.
John Smith and his wife adopted a child from Korea. John said that concerns about bonding were never a problem, but that he and his wife were hampered by their family feeling that adoption was wrong, that if they were going to have children, that God would make them get pregnant. It took 2 years for them to arrange their adoption because of international laws. John and his wife used a non-religious international non-profit organization that has been in operation for over 30 years. They are planning on bringing home their child by january.
Don, from Portland, Oregon, had a negative experience with adoption. Of all of the stories that were sent to me, this one was the only negative. He reported that while the child he and his wife adopted was fine initially, after several years the child began having behavioral problems that tests later showed were related to fetal alcohol syndrome. He faults the adoption for his wife leaving and says that he no longer has contact with his adopted daughter. Don reported that he and several other individuals were part of a support network that helped people deal with adoptions gone wrong.
Chris Nolte, from Iowa, related his story about adopting their now 16 year old daughter. Chris and his wife also used a Lutheran adoption ministry to find a child to adopt. In 1992, just three months after receiving approval to adopt, Chris and his wife received a phone call telling them that they had been selected for an adoption and that they needed to arrive at the hospital to pick up their new infant the next morning. Chris also reported never having a problem bonding with his child, and says that fatherhood is “the greatest job in the world.”
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October 9th, 2008 at 3:38 am
I am a dad and I would have no problem adopting. In fact we might just do that after having a few of our own.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:46 am
My wife and I have 3 daughters. We would like to have one more and hope for a boy, but a contemplating adoptions to ensure that it IS a boy! (love my girls though)
I think adoption is among the most meritorious things that any American can do.
Elliott
October 9th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
We adopted two boys from Ukraine a few years ago and it is, by far, the best thing I’ve ever done. My wife & I attempted to have kids, but were not able. Even before trying the fertility route, I was all for adopting.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:08 am
I so admire anyone who is willing to adopt. It’s not so much about how the child arrives in our arms as it is the commmittment we take on to raise him/her. Once we make that commitment, the child becomes ours and regardless of lineage, we teach, correct and love them for life.
October 11th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Long response here, but needed to comment…
These are great stories. We recently adopted a little boy, Jackson and he is the best thing to ever happen to us. We tried for our own for awhile, but didn’t work out and did NOT want to go through all the injections and other crap. My wife never really wanted kids, but changed her mind over time. Now, she could not see herself alive without children. There is something innate in women about having and raising children. The biological thing in women to do this can not be argued. It is in their DNA and something I that I admire greatly.
As a man, I struggled at first with not having my own blood lineage. When Jackson came up, I then struggled with his his race makeup (Hispanic/African American). If you know anything about Detroit (where I am from) you know it is a very racially divided city and it comes with a lot of baggage if you grew up there.
After careful thought and soul searching, I realized that both of these issues were ridiculous. They were silly. I am certain these things were not my true feelings because of how it turned out. I am certain, without a doubt, that these thoughts were driven into me by society, family, and friends. Every one of us has these hurdles to climb and mine were fairly daunting.
Now that we have him, the feeling of love and joy in our life is VERY difficult to describe. I can’t do it justice in words – like so many other fathers feel about their own children. You simply have to experience it. His ethnicity and differences are what we are most proud of. The fact he is adopted brings so much joy to almost everyone we encounter. They see this as one of the ultimate altruistic things anyone could do. That feeling of joy from others drives our love and admiration for Jackson even deeper.
Men will almost always say to others and themselves “I am my own man. I say what I think and nobody shapes my thoughts and actions. I am a man!” Look, we all have plenty of pre-conceived notions from our upbringing and outside influences. It is only natural. But, we must be able to identify these and attempt to understand what they are all about. With adoption, I can say from experience, all that baggage is MEANINGLESS – utterly junk – as soon that child smiles at you. Blood lineage be damned. That child is yours and you are the father. It’s amazing.
October 12th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Kevin,
Wow, thanks for sharing that story. It’s so gratifying to hear that sort of thing from men. It’s gratifying to know there are good men out there.
Adoption is looking more and more like the route that my wife and I are going to take. It’s going to be interesting.
October 13th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Adoption rocks! My husband was not fully “on board” at first but QUICKLY changed his mind!
October 27th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Me and the Mrs. have been married about 34.5 yrs. Our three bio daughters are 28, 24 & 19.
In May of ’06 DSS placed a (then) 2 & 4 year old brother and sistyer with us. We know the family and mom and dad just won’t stop with… the stuff they aren’t supposed.
Readers Digest version: We’ve had our “new kids” for over 29 months now and just signed the paperwork to begin the “inspection process”. I find it interesting that we (now) have to undergo all of this vetting. But we’ll jump through all the hoops we need to.
I think one thing important to mention is that it rarely are just “mom/dad” the onoy ones who adopt. We prayed about it and talked to our family about it too. Heck, we have grandchildren almost as old as our new kids. lol
We figure will have children for ever.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
My wife and I had been married for about 3 years before we adopted our first girl from China. Prior to that where many struggles, pains and heartaches. we now have 2 girls 9 and 6, both adopted from China. It was the best thing we ever did and we should have done it sooner really. The girls are great and they have given us just as much as we have given them.
We went back 2 separate times and got both girls when they were under 10 months old. Today our family is like any other only we happen to look a little different. I have a son from a previous relationship, they are all as near to me as the other.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Fatherhood is indeed a gift gained either naturally or by adoption. Adoption is not an easy task either as paperwork or as acceptance. The bonding, the behaviour of the child decides the how pure is this fatherhood.
Regards, Mary Lee
http://www.adoptionagencies.biz/