Timeout. Foul! What Happened? Build Your Marriage Advice Playbook
Posted on 03 September 2008 by cory
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Marriage advice. Who needs it? How many times have you sat there after a fight (or a spirited discussion) with your wife and wondered what just happened? You sit there thinking, “I don’t understand what I did wrong! She’s the one who got all upset, and now I’m in trouble? What happened?” You need additional help. Of course, since you’re a typical strong male, you know you can’t ask for help. You’re stuck. What can you do?
Just like coaches build play books by studying other teams’ plays and analyzing them in great detail, you need to put together a list of marriage resources that you can use to handle whatever marriage throws at you. Where to start you ask? Read the following suggestions. There are options ranging from the keep-yourself-anonymous (for you macho types out there) to the highly interactive (for the post-modern man).
Blogs and online discussion boards – Websites like this one, HusbandsandDads.com, provide articles, tips, resources, and discussion formats for all aspects of marriage. Blogs are highly interactive forms of media, and they’re great for discussing issues that you may not feel comfortable discussing with people you know, or for simply getting additional perspective on whatever is bothering you. I also highly recommend SimpleMarriage.net - Dr. Corey Allen has a fabulous blog about simplifying marriage and making it more fun and engaging.
Books – It seems as though everyone has written a book about marriage and relationships. Fortunately, there are many excellent books out there. Many books specialize in a certain area of relationships, like communication or sex. I highly recommend: The Act of Marriage by Tim Lahaye – it sexual relationships between husband and wife in gently clear detail, taking away the mystery and giving new insight into romantic love. The Five Love Languages, which breaks communication down into five simple categories, helping you to communicate love to your partner in a way they understand, and helping you understand what makes you feel loved.
MarriageAdvice.com - Advice from counselors. The site is built from a clinical perspective, but many of the articles are engaging, and it’s always good to hear a professional’s point of view. Also great for the man who likes to read but doesn’t have the attention span for longer media.
Your pastor - Many pastors are also qualified counselors or have taken classes in counseling. They also see things from a spiritual perspective which, if your religious views align, can be immensely helpful in your journey through marriage.
MarriageBuilders.com - Marriage Builders is an organization with a weekly radio broadcast, weekend marriage retreats, and has a bevy of coaches willing and ready to help you in your marriage. They’re not the only game in town, so if you can’t access their radio broadcast or their retreats, there are many more marriage retreats out there.
Your parents - It’s tough to do, but asking your parents for relationship advice can actually be a wonderfully helpful thing. If you respect your parents and they have made marriage work, it might be a good idea to swallow your pride and ask for some advice. The good thing about going to your parents, no matter what age you are, is that it can help build a closer bond with them as they help you work through whatever issue you might be having with marriage.
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September 3rd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Honestly, I’ve found that, aside from parents, the only really help you need is open communication and learning how to effectively handle difficult issues with your spouse by talking about things.
Any problem my wife and I have ever had, or any colossal mistake either of us has ever made has always been dealt with by communicating and being receptive to how the other person handles things.
It’s not always easy and I’ve found that clearing the air beforehand with something like “If we’re going to talk about this right now, you have to know I’m still angry/irritated/pissed off and that while I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, just please try to remember that if something doesn’t come out right, it’s not because I’m trying to be spiteful…”
Occasionally when we had issues we couldn’t solve on our own, we went to a counselor. We did this mostly to have a neutral third party present to help facilitate healthy communication. When one of us would get angry and interrupt the other, this neutral person would politely tell us to shut our trap and let the other person speak.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
My wife and I have what we call “no offense conversations”, which is similar to Daniel’s idea. This is our cue that we’re going to be talking about something serious and something that deserves each other’s full attention and to focus on solving the problem we have, rather than restricting the argument to “I don’t like your tone”.
During the no offense conversations, we allow each other to complete their train of thought without interruptions, and we agree to take nothing personally (that is the crucial part). Everything that is said between us is for growth and to improve something. Comments that are degrading or belittling are not allowed; and we keep what is said private - no friends or family is privy to anything in our discussions.
This has worked out well for us so far because we both know that if we have a problem with one another or a problem with a family member or friend, we can “meet” and figure out the best way to resolve the problem.
But, to each their own.. another couple we know wanted to try something similar after we explained our method for dealing with conflict, but they kept breaking their own rules; obviously this won’t work if both parties cannot keep themselves in check.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
The No Offense Conversation is good. My wife and I do that with 3 minute limits on each side.
Daniel, I love that you have had so much success in your marriage. What about those who feel they don’t have the skills to handle the situations they’re confronted with? Where do they go?
September 4th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Good article. I love the ideas, I will look into some. So far the best way I have found to have success in our marriage is to follow my personal coaches advice. She says that there are no such things as marital issues, just issues that each person has brought into the marriage. Once, I spent the time and got some of my issues straightened out, we hardly fight at all. And yes, we still talk and do stuff together.
Also, I had to laugh when you suggested to go to our parents for advice. Between my wifes and my parents, there have 3 divorces and 6 marriages. We have learned a lot about what not to do. Currently, there are about 8 people that our children can legitimately call grandparents.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:55 am
My wife and I are both passionate, type-A personalities, so the “no offense conversation” thing has never worked well for us. We love each other very much though, and forgiveness is a virtue we both share. Sometimes, I don’t know when to quit an argument, and I’d say that she doesn’t refrain often enough from starting ones that she doesn’t really care about.
As far as other types of advice, I definitely appreciate the other resources provided in the article, and we use some of them now. We also utilize friends who we respect and value too.
Great conversation, and I look forward to hearing more points of view on this too!
September 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
A good book for this site is Help Is Not a Four-Letter
Word: Why Doing It All Is Doing You In, published by McGraw
Hill. I rveal a never-before-discussed self-defeating behavior I call the Self-Sufficiency Syndrome where I go into what this is, where it came from and what we can do to bring ourselves to balance.
Many of us can’t ask for help, do everything by ourselves and in a relationship the other person doesn’t think we trust them.
Although McGraw Hill chose to put women on the cover, this is a non-gender issue. We all know that a man invented the GPS so guys would never have to ask for directions!
Peggy Collins
http://www.helpisotafourletterword.com
September 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I think that you need to be careful about going to your parents and family members. Our pastor gave us some good advice when we were going through marriage counseling. Telling your parents what is happening and asking for advice can create opinions and biases against your spouse, even though you didn’t mean them to.
Why?
Your family cares about you and most of the time they are going to take your side. While they may never admit to your spouse that they know what happened or outwardly criticize them, it tends to color their opinion going forward and can really hurt the In-Law relationship.