The Cohabitation Effect on Marriage
Posted on 21 August 2008 by cory
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Traditional wisdom says that cohabitating before marriage results in a higher likelihood of divorce, a poor impact on children, and a lower standard of marital satisfaction, but is that wisdom true?
There is a strong trend among contemporary couples toward cohabitation. Religion plays less and less of a decision in sexual relationships, therefore more couples are choosing to “get to know each other” better before getting married. They see marriage as an outmoded piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything.
Over the next couple weeks, we will examine cohabitation from several angles. Studies conducted through the 70′s, 80′s and 90′s showed that cohabitation has a strong correlation with divorce. Recent studies, however, have pointed to possible different results. We’ll dive into the statistics and see what we can extrapolate from them.
Cohabitation is on the rise, and many people are okay with it. Take a look at the following statistics. In the next post I will introduce some of the studies that these statistics and we’ll discuss their context and what they mean.
- 9.6% of couples who live together are not married.
- Those who cohabit only with their fiance have lower divorce rates than those who do not cohabit at all.
- Those who cohabit more than once have a divorce rate twice that of those who cohabit only with their fiance.
- Those who cohabit report a lower marital satisfaction rate and a higher behavioral problem rate. They experience more fights and more violence.
- People who abstain from sex before marriage report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, including number of orgasms among women, than those who do not.
- Children who live with cohabiting parents are 20 – 33 times more likely to be abused.
What do you think? Do you currently cohabitate? What has your experience been like? Do you object to cohabitation for religious or other reasons? Why?
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August 21st, 2008 at 10:42 am
When my wife and I started dating, I did not live in the same town. After about 6 months, I moved, but I got my own apartment (with a roommate). The only night I spent there was the night before our wedding.
Religion was not an important part of our relationship at that time, but it is now. I think we would have preferred not to go the cohabitation route.
Part of the problem is the “wedding system”, I think. In order to have a traditional wedding of any size, you need to book reception space at least a year in advance. So this partially led to cohabitation as we waited until our wedding date arrived. We should have, instead, gotten married immediately, and had a ceremony and reception later.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
My wife and I lived together for three years before getting married. By the time we said, “I do,” we knew one another inside and out. I know it’s not for everyone, but I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
My wife and I were both virgins when we were married. We lived separately. I have to admit that it was a little challenging to remain chaste before the marriage, but we both agree that it was completely worth it.
I was actually very surprised at the statistic that said that couples who cohabit only once, with the person that they marry, actually have a lower divorce rate. That flies in the face of 30 years of research, and a long tradition of religious teaching. I’m really looking forward to more in depth analysis in the near future.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“couples who cohabit only once, with the person that they marry, actually have a lower divorce rate”
That’s how it was with me and Chris – he is the only person I lived with before marriage. We actually weren’t planning on living together until we were married, but his roommate wanted to move in with her boyfriend sooner rather than later.
So far, so awesome!
August 21st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I think this is a complex issue that probably is unique to every situation. I’m interested in learning what the statistics say about this, but speaking from experience, there are many more huge factors at play when it comes to the success of a marriage.
I was brought up to believe that living together (and sex) outside of wedlock was a sin with severe spiritual consequences…I rebelled against both those teachings – rightly or wrongly.
My first marriage failed, and we only lived together for the month prior to the wedding. My second marriage is stronger than I could have ever imagined (going on 10 years), and we moved in together shortly after getting engaged.
I’m very interested in this issue though, as I do have a teenage daughter and her future has been on my mind a lot lately.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I fit the same mold as Cory; and my marriage is great! I wouldn’t go back and change anything…
It’s hard to argue with the stats posted here – they’re sort of staggering. And yet, I fear, for our kids, cohabitation is already the norm.
(You know, becoming a parent, I totally get the argument for arranged marriages now!)
August 21st, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Having been married twice (once for 15 years, and presently for 17 years) I think I know why the research shows this is true.
I don’t think it’s the cohabiting “per se” which is causing divorce. It’s that in the couples who are cohabiting, either one or both of the members is not fully committed to the relationship. If and when those couples marry, this ambivalence continues. I think more couples who marry directly without seeing a need to cohabit are more COMMITTED to their relationships (less ambivalent). I think it’s this committment which makes a marriage stronger, through the good times and bad.
It’s a question of a lot of cohabiting people where one partner is wondering, “Is there someone better out there for me?” or “I don’t want to be tied for life to this partner I’m with” (in other words, they don’t really love that person, they are just spending time with them until someone/something better comes along).
My first husband had similar attitudes to this (always wondering if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence), whereas my second husband is fully committed in his entire being. My second husband is even of a different religion, but that doesn’t make any difference–it’s his COMMITTMENT that makes the difference!
Eileen
Dedicated Elementary Teacher Overseas (in the Middle East)
elementaryteacher.wordpress.com
August 21st, 2008 at 5:10 pm
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August 21st, 2008 at 5:48 pm
My wife and I lived together for a few years before we were were married. To me, I couldn’t imagine NOT living with someone before getting married. Only when you live with someone do you find those little things that, while cute at first, grow old after they are repeated ad nasueum.
One argument for cohabitation is that one can “test the waters” with the mate they could potentially live with for the rest of their lives. Is it right? Who is to say, aside from the couple themselves? But, most people that I have talked to consider cohabiting to be more practical.. if you can’t get along living together, one only needs to pack their stuff.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
my husband and i lived together before we got married… we started living together 2 months into our dating and 4 months after that we eloped…
i think it’s good to live together before marrying because you get to see how the person really is versus being surprised after the wedding…
August 21st, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I think the “test the waters” theory is a fallacy.
We did live together for over a year, and nothing grew so old as to stop the marriage. In fact, most of the ad nauseum stuff has happened since and is still happening.
With that logic, one should never marry because there could be a “deal breaker” tomorrow – some new annoying habit that develops.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Today is my wife and my 4 year anniversary. we lived together before we were married for 5 years. We have a 3 yr old son and our relationship is only getting stronger. It’s good to know who you are marrying. You can never work out all the quirks, a relationship takes effort, it’s work. Living together before you take the big plunge is imho very important. I won’t be ending up divorced like my parents were.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I’ve been staying out of the conversation a little bit since I’m writing the article. I’m trying to stay objective while writing and doing research simply because I already have such a strong bias against cohabitation, but it’s hard.
I really appreciate your comments, however. They provide me some things to ponder.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm
My wife and I had separate places up until our wedding and you would have thought we had two heads when people heard that we were getting married and NOT living together.In our situation, both of our families would have objected to us living together before marriage (Italian Catholic, what can I say).
From a financial standpoint if marriage is certain cohabitation makes a lot of sense and our world’s ‘now’ mentality, so I understand the mindset. But it’s like getting all your Christmas presents in July… what does the actual day mean at that point.
After the fact, my wife and I were both happy we waited to move in together until after the big day. There was a real feeling of accomplishment that we took a spiritual, as well as locational, step forward in our relationship.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I would say that my wife and I living together for the time that we did (about 6 months) was good for us as it was a period when we were engaged and were still getting to know each other even better. What was interesting was that after that six months we were apart for about 6 months as I moved to another State to start graduate school and she did her student teaching (talk about a stressful time) all in the last six months prior to our wedding… for us, it was definitely a good precursor to the real thing.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
I can relate to what Chris is saying. After my wife and I got married, we spent more than 70% of the time apart for the next year due to extended work travel. It was nuts!
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
The longest period of time that I’ve ever spent away from my wife was about 3 weeks when I was traveling for work. If was about a year after that I decided to change careers. There’s no job, no amount of money that justifies being away from my family for that long.
December 8th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
i am a college student. i have to write an essay about the cohabitation. your comments are very useful.