The Cohabitation Effect on Children
Posted on 10 September 2008 by cory
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Many people are of opinion that cohabitation is a good way to “test out” a relationship and see if it’s ready for marriage. Indeed, some people are even seeing cohabitation as a substitute for marriage. Are those who are cohabiting thinking of how that practice will affect their children?
In the United States since 2000, between 7% and 25% of all couples are cohabiting in any given year. About 50 percent of all people between the ages of 22 and 44 have cohabited at some point in their lives, compared to almost none one hundred years ago. Not only do those who are married live longer, happier, healthier lives, but children of those in cohabiting relationships are in danger.
Cohabiting couples put their children at risk in the following ways:
- According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, since cohabiting couples are more likely to break up than married couples, children are five times more likely to experience the breakup of their parents.
- Children are 50 times more likely to be abused when they are not living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to U.S. Census data.
- Even factoring in socioeconomic and mental health differences, cohabiting couples’ children twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric disorders, diseases, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug abuse.
- Children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of poverty and low socioeconomic status.
- Children are more likely to have difficulties forming healthy relationships.
This list is a stunning condemnation of the effects of cohabitation on children. In no published research is there any evidence that cohabitation is beneficial to the health and well being of children.
What does this mean for us, as men?
It may seem a little obvious, but the science shows that marriage, religious or not, is important and that it works. Arguments fostering the idea that cohabitation is a good replacement for marriage hold little weight.
Pick partners carefully. Serial cohabitation is becoming somewhat commonplace. Get to know your partner a little bit better before moving in together.
If after dating a while cohabitation still seems like a good idea, examine your relationship a little bit closer and ask yourself if you’re moving in together because you love each other and want to be together forever, or because it seems like the easiest thing to do?
If it’s the easiest thing to do then perhaps you should consider some of the long term effects of cohabiting. Studies show you’ll be more likely to split up, show a lower sexual satisfaction, lower overall happiness, and more likely to divorce if you do marry.
If a woman has children, are you okay with being in the company of children? Do you see them as an obstacle to your relationship with her? If so, then this relationship is not for you.
There’s no doubt that cohabitation has become a commonplace arrangement in our society. With most of the evidence against cohabiting, where will the country be when cohabiting replaces marriage as the norm?
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Tags | abuse, children, cohabitation, cohabiting, Marriage
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September 10th, 2008 at 3:40 am
I think any time a couple considers cohabitation and there are children involve, the parent of the children, be it a man or woman seriously needs to consider the kids first and foremost when making this decision. Much like the decision of whether on not to get married when there are kids is a group effort, parents need to realize what a huge impact this has on their kids, not to mention, what kind of role model are you?
I dated a few women with children, back in the day, but I really was cognizant of the child. A big part of that could have been my fear of children and commitment, but another part of me really empathized with them.
Parents with children have to remember that first and foremost, they are parents.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
For the record, my wife and I cohabited for approximately four years before we got married. In addition, we had our first child prior to being married. We did get married when our son was nearly one year old and have now been married 9 years.
When I think of cohabitation, I personally do not see an issue with it as I think every couple needs to find what works for them. While I think there is some validity to the statistics, I also think there are a fair number of married couples that do not provide a healthy atmosphere for raising children.
Would I have a problem with my children cohabiting when they are older? No, I wouldn’t as I believe that they will be doing what they feel is best for them. In my opinion, whether you cohabit or not is less important than the type of person you are and how you raise your children.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
“Pick partners carefully.”
I second the motion! And I totally agree with OhCaptain…putting your children through ‘dating’ is hard enough.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Hi Cory, I’m glad you’ve written about this as I’ve seen the harmful effects cohabitation can have on children especially. A relative of mine is a single mother with a young son in elementary school, who would date a guy and live together for awhile until the relationship ended for one reason or another.
Then came the next guy, and the next and the next. Her son would get attached very quickly to each guy, even calling him “dad” until that relationship broke up. By the time this poor kid got into the 4th grade, he’d accumulated 8 different “dads” due to his mom’s belief that cohabitation was good and beneficial to “test” the relationships strength and longevity.
This little guy doesn’t have a relationship with his own father and rarely ever sees his ‘real dad’, and has had to endure watching his mother be mistreated by one “dad” after another. Fortunately, she hasn’t been dating anyone for about a year now and I can only hope her young son won’t grow up having a seriously distorted viewpoint of relationships and marriage. Children learn what they live.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
It’s possible that a healthy environment for kids could be created in a situation where people are living together prior to marriage, as Derek mentioned. The problem seems to be how many people do as Lin mentioned - serial cohabitation with kids. I can’t see a single benefit to this type of scenario, and I think parents have an obligation to protect their kids from the potential negative effects of such.
I know many people who have lived together for economic reasons, which is another scenario that I’ve rarely seen play out to a positive end. Real, genuine love seems to be the only motivation that lasts.
Personally, I believe that people are free to make their own choices - good or bad - but when those choices affect an innocent child is when it bothers me which choice they make.
When the potential for harm is high, it just seems selfish to choose to live with someone who may or may not enrich your child’s life.
Shouldn’t the kids safety and well-being come first?
February 12th, 2009 at 2:10 am
protect the children first