Only Fathers Can Prevent Teenage Pregnancy
Posted on 15 October 2008 by cory
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Despite alarmist sentiment that they are running out of control, teenage sex and pregnancies are on the decline and have been for the last 15 years of available data. Teenagers are definitely having sex, but not as much as the media seems to sensationalize it, and definitely not as much as hormone laden shows like the OC, Beverly Hills 90210, and Greek seem to point to.
Teenage sexual activity is down from 53% in 1991 to just under 47% in 2005, and teenage pregnancy has decreased from 117 in 1000 to 72 in 1000 in the same time frame. National efforts to raise awareness about the problem of teenage pregnancy seems to be effective.
With all that said, fathers are still the best line of defense for stopping their daughters from having sex, getting into abusive relationships, and from getting pregnant once they are sexually active. The following chart from a 2007 survey by the National Project for the Prevention of Teenage and Unplanned pregnancy shows that while many parents think that media and their kids’ friends sway their teenagers’ attitudes about sex, the teenagers themselves say that their parents are much more likely to be a stronger guide in their choices and attitudes regarding sex.
The question that was asked was, “When it comes to your/teens’ decisions about sex, who is most influential? Is it…?” You can click on the image to enlarge it.
Fathers can help their daughters avoid teenage pregnancy in the following ways:
Have the talk. You know, that one. Have it early, have it often. I know many of you fathers go into a murderous rage or melt into a incoherent puddle when you think about some boy touching your daughter, but the fact is that your daughter needs to understand that she can talk about this with you, and that she can ask questions if she wants. Don’t allow your daughter to find out how sex works by overhearing other girls’ conversations in aerobics class. By the way, the survey cited above
Encourage teenagers to seek out positive entertainment and entertainers. The super popular Jonas Brothers have all taken vows of chastity until marriage, as has American Idol and current radio darling Jordin Sparks. Virginity is becoming as retro and cool as bell bottom jeans, tube socks, and plaid sweaters.
Be open and available to talk to your daughter. Teenagers don’t talk when you want to listen, and they don’t listen when you want to talk. They do it on their own time. Anyone with a teenager can tell you that. You have to be open to the signals. If your child wants to talk, you might only have a small window to instill a little bit of parental wisdom.
Treat your wife with respect and dignity. In case after case, girls marry men who remind them of their fathers, and children pattern their marriages after the ones that they saw growing up. If your daughter sees you treating your wife with respect, she will expect the same thing in her own relationships.
Take your daughter on a Daddy Daughter Date. One daughter shared a story about how when she was 14 years old, her father invited her on a date for the following Friday. He showed up at the front door at the time of their appointed date in a suit, with a flower for her. He escorted her to her car, opened her door, and drove her to a nice dinner at a local restaurant. The entire night, he treated her as he wanted a young man to treat her on a date. He pulled out her chair, stood when she got up from the table, and gave her his full attention (no Blackberry, no texting). Towards the end of the evening, he gave his daughter a special gift. He gave her a ring that he told her represented her chastity. He told her that he trusted her and that he only asked that when she lost her virginity she return the ring to him. The daughter held onto the ring until after her wedding and then gave it to her father, letting him know that she had stayed chaste until her wedding night.
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Tags | parenting, sex, teen pregnancy, teenagers
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October 15th, 2008 at 4:18 am
Fathers also play an important role in preventing their sons from getting other fathers’ daughters knocked up.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:45 am
My only question is at what age should you start talking with your (in my case) daughters about this???
October 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Dad of Divas – the national project on preventing teenage & unwanted pregnancy has stats & suggestions on how & when to have The Talk. I’ve even seen some experts recommend starting as early as 7 – 8 years old, or whenever the child starts asking about where babies come from or what sex is.
Have any of you had success talking with your kids about sex? How did you approach it?
October 15th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I think it’s high time we quit putting all the blame and responsibility on the girls. It still takes an egg AND a sperm cell to make a baby – the egg can’t do it alone. There is so much I could say on that, but I haven’t had enough coffee yet to do so politely.
Talk to your sons and daughters and early and often. Show them, by your example, not only how they should expect to be treated, but how to treat others themselves.
And be prepared that sometimes all the talking and example setting in the world will not keep your daughter – or son – from making a mistake or a bad decision and finding themselves in this situation. That’s when the hard stuff of parenting comes in. Be prepared to love and support your child without condemnation even when the unthinkable happens.
And remember, too, that in this day and age – pregnancy is the least of what can happen when sex is had.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I think 4 and 5 are the most important because they have to do with showing an example of what a good man is. I think once they have a vision of what they really want and what is good then it will be easier for them to make the right decision.
Also the relationship will give you more say into their life and stick with them when your not there to say it.
Great Post!
October 15th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
It’s important for parents to give boys and girls the facts on human sexuality and reproduction, a bit at a time, as they get older and can understand more.
Once they are physically mature, it’s important that both boys and girls understand how incredibly easy it is to get pregnant, and the lifelong consequences of unplanned pregnancy. It’s not enough to just thunder Thou Shalt Not. We all know that a teen’s first response to parental thundering is to think hey, this must be something good, I’m gonna sneak out and try it. (We have a nationally recognized exmple now of the failure of Thou Shalt Not–Bristol Palin and her child to be.)
If it is part of your value system that sex be saved for marriage, explain this to your children, don’t thunder it, and explain as calmly and thoroughly as you can, the reasons behind why you feel this way. Don’t just say “don’t do it” and expect that to be all the sex education they need till they’re ready to tie the knot.
If you don’t feel so strongly about abstinence till marriage, then explain to your sons and daughters that they should neither pressure anyone nor allow themselves to be pressured into having sex before they feel emotionally ready for it. The more mature they are when they have sex for the first time, the better for all concerned. Explain to them about contraception and protection from sexually transmitted diseases (get a book that explains it all if you can’t face the idea of doing this yourself). Tell them that you expect them to use protection from Day One. This may be embarrassing for the parents, but far better a red face than being called Grandma and Grandpa before your child is out of high school.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
While I agree with the commenter who suggest that we as fathers talk to both daughters and sons, the simple fact is, it’s daughters who get pregnant. They’re the ones who bear the brunt of the consequences, and thus have the unfortunate responsibility of bearing the brunt of the decision making.
I completely agree with the fact that boys need to be instructed in how to properly treat a woman, how to express themselves within a relationship, and how to keep their lust-sodden hands to themselves.
But the significance of a father’s role in his daughters emotional and physical well-being cannot be understated or even compared to his relationship with his son. If a daddy abdicates his duty to love and protect his daughter or his role as the premier example of a man, his daughter is essentially left adrift in terms of how to respond to guys she encounters, and will more easily fall prey to whatever the guy’s schemes are.
Yes, dads: talk to your sons and instruct them properly.
But don’t forget to be there for your daughters. Be strong, be an loving, be solid, be uncompromising, exemplify true love so your daughter will know the real from the phony when it comes along.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:21 am
I can’t believe the variance between parents/friends and everything else from teachers on down the chart. Amazing how much difference the influence is. This is a tough topic that you’ve addressed extremely well. My oldest is almost 13 and my hope is that I can maintain a close relationship with her throughout the years and that it will have the kind of impact you’re talking about.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Well I have been blessed to have (successfully) raised three biological daughters (28, 24 & 19).
Although, like every father, I made plenty of mistakes I did a lot of things right too.
I ALWAYS opened my daughters doors (car, the mall, all doors). We would have regular “date nights.” You may not think that something as small as opening your daughters’ doors will make a difference but here was my reasoning. When they began dating and some kid doesn’t treat her with the same respect her dad does then I think that sets off something inside of her. She may not know what’s going on but she will just know that something isn’t quite right.
When those boys began coming around I INSISTED that each and every one of them come in for… “the interview.” I may have been a bit over the top but… I would ask them their name, ask to see their drivers license and read (out loud) their address. I would ask them if anything happened is this where I could find them. I’m not interested in your parents or your insurance company. I wouild make sure the kid knows when curfew is and find out EXACTLY where they were going. This bit of “just out” doesn’t cut it with me.
Dating… is a privilage. You can group date (4 or more at the age of 15), movies, skating, etc. You can double date at the age of 16 (again at least two couples). Single date at the age of 17, by this time the rules are pretty much public knowledge and I can ease up just a tad… but always, always on guard.
Our 28 year old daughter has been married to the second guy she ever dated for a little over five years now and they have a three year old son. They live in our neighborhood, as does the son-in-law’s parents.
Our 24 year old daughter was married just over two years when her husband was killed in actiion in Afghanistan (you can read about him on my blog http://mssc54.wordpress.com/our-american-hero/). Their son was three months old when Buddy was killed. That was in Feb 07 and she and the baby also live in our neighborhood.
Our 19 year old daughter still lives at home and is attending a local college while also working full time in her field at a local hospital.
I will also add my oldest daughter has been working at a local hospital since she got out of high school and her husband works for the same construction company since he got out of high school.
Our middle daughter is the senior pharmacy technician for a major drug store chain in charge of hiring their new pharm techs and training them.
As if that isn’t enough… we, just last week, signed the papers to adopt a four and six year old brother and sister that we have had physical placement of since May of 06. It’ a long sad (for them) saga and if you want you can read about that here (http://mssc54.wordpress.com/2008/08/05/older-parenting/)
For the record I will be 72 years old when our boy graduates high school. Life is so interesting. lol
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I agree with Tom on so many levels. This is an excellent resource and article. The only thing it leaves out is Fathers, when having ‘the talk’ with their sons, instilling not only respect and care for the girls and women they will date, but also the virtue of respecting themselves. Boys aren’t the only ones with raging hormones. And the more they hold females in high regard and respect females and themselves the more attractive they become to the fairer sex and the better esteem they have of themselves.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Daddy/daughter date is a fantastic idea. This will be kept in the back of my mind about 14 years from now. We are in line to adopt from China and she will be here in about a year so I need to remember this notion. Fantastic!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Good article Cory. Well written. I especially like the story about daddy-daughter dates and the chastity pin. I have 3 married daughters now. I took them on daddy-daughter dates often. We had many wonderful times together, and several teaching moments. It really is important to let them know how you feel about chastity.
December 17th, 2008 at 6:19 am
@ Tom, Leisel, et al
Thanks for pointing out how important it is to talk to boys about sex and prevention, the importance of abstinence and good decision-making. Too many men feel as though having unprotected sex with as many women as possible is some kind of biological imperative, and we fathers need to work to combat that for the physical and mental health of our sons and daughters.
And we also need to make sure that they know that sexual activity of any sort “counts” and has real consequences. Too many young men and women think that by not going all the way (do kids even say that anymore? God, I feel old), they are behaving responsibly and are safe.
It’s so tempting to say that talking to the girls is their mothers’ job, but having a strong message from dad underlines how important being safe and responisble is to both parents, and can make sure that that message is received loud and clear.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Too often, dads will “check-out” of their duties as fathers to their daughters when they enter an age where dad isn’t sure how to communicate or connect with his daughter. The challenge here is that daughter is just as confused, but expects her dad to guide her. If she can’t find that guidance in him, she will look to another male figure and his comfort may be delivered in a more complicated package.
I challenge all dads to set the pace for their daughters early on in the relationship. If you are uncomfortable communicating about sexual or intimate issues with your daughter, figure out how to get help to get over it. As I tell my son often – it is much better to be uncomfortable in these few minutes of conversation with me – his mother – than to spend a lifetime making up for a choice made in haste.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:04 am
NO CHASTITY RING. This sends the WRONG message to little girls – that they are their father’s property and have to depend on them for protection. The goal of a father (and mother) should be to teach a girl how to take care of herself.
Otherwise this article is very lovely. It is absolutely true, how the mother is treated will role model for the girl.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:31 am
Your tips are excellent. Showing love, respect and protection from Dad on a regular basis can also help these teenagers to behave.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:45 am
Sociologists and psychologists do have a say on the disciplinarian and supportive role that fathers play on their daughters. I agree in this article on that basis, but it’s a bit technical for assuming that “only” fathers can prevent a teenage pregnancy. Although parents are primary role models, if all else fails we cannot blame them, lest the fathers when their daughters become pregnant. It is the totally of the environment, more often teenagers are exposed to the peer adventurism and sexual curiosities heightened by explicit media. However we can never underestimate the power of a father in counseling the daughter as soon as she’s exposed to the opposite sex, instilling positive attitudes of success and independence for the future.
August 3rd, 2010 at 9:49 am
Wrong!! Many people can prevent teenage pregnancy, mostly the teens themselves. It starts with people putting equal focus on the sperm side of pregnancy, yeah the side that is too often overlooked because folks are too busy focusing on keeping daughters vagina’s un-penetrated. How about losing the archaic notion of placing great importance on protecting a girl’s chastity while boy’s chastity is treated as a side note. BTW chastity rings and ceremonies for girls are so twisted, I could write a book on all the things that are wrong with them.
Back to my main point- Everyone (mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, sisters, brothers) must play a role in preventing teen pregnancy by reinforcing sexual responsibility and personal accountability of both boys and girls. By rejecting notions that it’s the dad’s duty to protect his daughters vagina…
…oh sorry what are people calling it, protecting girls “self esteem”, “self worth”, “chastity”, “purity”…whatever, it’s all code for claiming girl’s vagina like territory that daddy passes on to whomever he approves of. This notion needs to stop, and be replaced with focus on sexual responsibility of both sexes because they are equally responsible for pregnancy, even though girl’s are the one’s who become pregnant.
If anything everyone needs to place boys chastity as a high priority to protect. After all it is boys who fall prey to engaging in sex for the wrong reasons. Boys seek sex for selfish sexual gratification, to try gain their identities as men, to gain approval of other males, and become promiscuous to boost their low ego.