Is True Love the Antidote to Divorce?
Posted on 13 September 2008 by Jeremy
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“When you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” -Leo Tolstoy, 19th Century Russian Writer and Philosopher
How many times have you been in love? I’m not talking about the number of times that you think you were in love, or all of the instances in which you were passionately attracted to another person. I mean really in love with someone, caring about her more than you do yourself and accepting her without wanting to change a thing.
True love, as Tolstoy says, is about loving the “whole person” as they are, and “not as you would like them to be.” Spouses are not meant to be malleable pieces of clay for you to shape and mold. If this were true, then we’d all have Stepford Wives. By the time you get married, much of your wife’s character has already been formed.
People seem to like to learn things for themselves though, and oftentimes after years (or months) of failure in trying to change a person the marriage ends in divorce. The current divorce rate in America is hovering around 40%.
What are the Top 10 Reasons for Divorce (DivorceGuide.com)?
1. Infidelity
2. Communication Breakdown
3. Abuse
4. Money
5. Sex
6. Boredom
7. Religious or Cultural differences
8. Parenting
9. Addiction
10. Different goals or priorities in life
How many of those things do you think one or both of the people in the marriage thought they could change about the other? Is there something these people could have done differently to produce a better outcome? If you agree with Tolstoy, then the answer is “yes” – true love is the only antidote to divorce.
True love is genuine and personal – it is a connection that extends beyond the bounds of friendship, although it does include those feelings, and it combines acceptance with accountability and forgiveness. In other words, true love is unconditional love.
Many times, though, it seems that people love the idea or concept of being in a serious relationship with another person – the relationship is the object of their genuine affection, as opposed to the individual. As a result, conflict or dissatisfaction arises because one person, or both people, cannot conform to the ideal envisioned in the other’s mind. Eventually, this kind of love becomes conditioned upon change, which we have already established to be a recipe for failure.
True love happens when you accept people for who they are without stipulations. Are you “in love” with your wife, or do you just love “the idea” of her? If it’s true love, then be sure to cherish and celebrate it. However, if it’s conceptual and not genuine, then you’re cheating yourself and her out of something very special in life by hanging on to a fantasy that will never come true.
Does that mean you should divorce? No. Divorce should be a last resort and not a quick-and-easy solution to your relationship problems.
If you want to save your relationship, then you will need to let go of the fantasy and discover the reality about who you wife really is as a person. Real marriages (or relationships of any kind) take work, but for every little bit of effort you put into it you are likely to get a greater return on that investment of time, energy or thoughtfulness.
True love is often uncovered or strengthened through the trials, struggles and hardships a couple faces together. Working through your differences builds trust and appreciation for one another. That doesn’t mean you should go looking for trouble, but it also means you shouldn’t be quick to throw in the towel and give up.
Divorce should only be viewed as the last and final option available. We all have problems and none of us are ever going to fit the perfect ideal that exists in our spouse’s mind. True love, though, in my opinion, has a hard time existing in a perfect world – it needs those tiny imperfections to cling to so that it can grow.
Let’s face it – relationships are messy. They take work. Example: one of my favorite movies ever is Good Will Hunting, which about getting past those imperfections to find the perfect life (*Warning: Strong Language in Video Clip):
True love exists, but not in fairy tales. It exists in the real world between real people who, like Tolstoy said, are willing to “love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.”
True love is the only antidote for divorce because it is the one thing that makes two imperfect people perfect for each other.
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Tags | Divorce, Divorce Guide, Good Will Hunting, Leo Tolstoy quote, Marriage, perfection, Relationships, true love
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September 13th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Does it make his statement any less true when you take into account that Tolstoy couldn’t stand the sight of his wife towards the end of his life?
September 14th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Wonderful post, Jeremy. And I agree with pretty much everything you said.
However, there’s a reason #1a not mentioned in your list.
Infidelity is one thing and certainly not an easy situation to deal with, bringing up, as it does, a husband’s (or wife’s) deepest issues around trust and betrayal. In #1a, though, the partner actually leaves for someone else. That’s what happened in my marriage and what led to divorce.
This was not a fling, but a departure (my wife’s), so there was not much to discuss, negotiate or heal. The departure didn’t occur in anger but in love, and we’re still on very good terms nearly four years later.
In the moment, of course, it was devastating. In retrospect, it has turned out to be the best thing for both of us, freeing each of us to grow separately in ways that hadn’t been happening in relationship.
Of course, it would have been better if the growth could have occurred while we were together. Apparently, though, it took the catalyst of a third party to push us to stretch the boundaries of who we could be and what we could achieve.
I hope I never have to experience a break-up like that again, but I remain grateful both for the wonderful marriage it was, as well as for the period since the break-up that has also been filled with gifts and miracles.
Often, couples do break up for the wrong reasons and don’t try hard enough to stay together. Sometimes, though, even in a loving relationship it can be time to move on.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Mark – thanks for sharing that man. I really appreciate you opening up like that, and I agree that it is a tough situation to recover from. Sounds like you’ve made the best of things, and I respect your positive attitude very much. I’m sure you daughter appreciates that attitude as well. Thanks again man!
November 28th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I recently divorced and would have done most anything to keep my marriage together, but perhaps I did not have the antidote to divorce as you describe — true love. I am writing a blog for http://www.divorcenetork.com in a cathartic attempt to get over it, hence the title SO OVER YOU. You can read it at http://www.divorcenetwork.com/profiles/blog/list?user=18w3csbt0xfl9 I look forward to following your site, hope you enjoy mine. I try to make it funny, my first blog is “This Time We’re Gonna Be Virgins”. All the best. Veronica
June 1st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Both are wonderful post and comments! it is really important to think about what you really looking for before you getting married. Life will be completely change if you don’t know that.