In the United States since 2000, between 7% and 25% of all couples are cohabiting in any given year.  About 50 percent of all people between the ages of 22 and 44 have cohabited at some point in their lives, compared to almost none one hundred years ago.  Not only do those who are married live longer, happier, healthier lives, but children of those in cohabiting relationships are in danger.

Cohabiting couples put their children at risk in the following ways:

- According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, since cohabiting couples are more likely to break up than married couples, children are five times more likely to experience the breakup of their parents.

- Children are 50 times more likely to be abused when they are not living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to U.S. Census data.

- Even factoring in socioeconomic and mental health differences, cohabiting couples’ children twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric disorders, diseases, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

- Children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of poverty and low socioeconomic status.

- Children are more likely to have difficulties forming healthy relationships.

This list is a stunning condemnation of the effects of cohabitation on children.  In no published research is there any evidence that cohabitation is beneficial to the health and well being of children.

What does this mean for us, as men?

It may seem a little obvious, but the science shows that marriage, religious or not, is important and that it works.  Arguments fostering the idea that cohabitation is a good replacement for marriage hold little weight.

Pick partners carefully. Serial cohabitation is becoming somewhat commonplace.  Get to know your partner a little bit better before moving in together.

If after dating a while cohabitation still seems like a good idea, examine your relationship a little bit closer and ask yourself if you’re moving in together because you love each other and want to be together forever, or  because it seems like the easiest thing to do?

If it’s the easiest thing to do then perhaps you should consider some of the long term effects of cohabiting.  Studies show you’ll be more likely to split up, show a lower sexual satisfaction, lower overall happiness, and more likely to divorce if you do marry.

If a woman has children, are you okay with being in the company of children?  Do you see them as an obstacle to your relationship with her?  If so, then this relationship is not for you.

There’s no doubt that cohabitation has become a commonplace arrangement in our society.  With most of the evidence against cohabiting, where will the country be when cohabiting replaces marriage as the norm?

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In your practice, how has cohabitation affected your patients?

This is anecdotal at best, but my sense is that those who are cohabiting seem to possess an extra layer of insulation to protect themselves from the disapproval of others. They are not brazen or defiant in an overt way, but they seem to be very locked into their mind set. After marriage, usually long after marriage, they begin to deal with some regrets and some negative attitudes toward the other partner which usually have negative implications in their experience of intimacy.

Can you describe the professional/clinical objections to cohabitation, excluding religious objections?

There is an intrinsic self-serving expediency about cohabitation that undermines the development of empathy. It is emotional sensitivity and empathy that provide the foundation for intimacy. Living together to save money and to prepare for marriage can contribute to companionship, but does not prepare the way for intimacy. The problem we face is that waiting until marriage before living together and having sex together does not guarantee good intimacy (there are many factors that prevent this), but cohabitation seems to be a definite threat to the foundation of secure enduring attachment.

New research on cohabitation shows that couples who cohabit with the intent to marry show little difference in behavior from married couples, suggesting that it’s the intent of cohabitation that may make it a negative behavior. What are your impressions?

I don’t trust the research. Obviously, if the intent of the cohabitation is selfish, the experience can lead to negative outcome. But even if the intent of the cohabitation is idealistic and loving, the inherent motives of impatience, expediency, and freedom from constraint can lead to negative outcomes. The big question for the researcher is what to measure (beyond behavior); then comes how to measure the possible impact of any precursor to marriage; then comes how to separate the contributions of various factors.

Do you see any positive effects of cohabitation?

Certainly. It provides a level of reality in the relationship which can test readiness for coming to terms with life experiences that involve another person.

Dr. Lee Jagers has been a marriage counselor in the North Dallas area for 30 years and has worked with a tremendous number of couples. He maintains his private practice, specializing in the reconciliation of marriages following an affair or addiction relapse. He also maintains a blog about his teaching and counseling work.

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Many people today are seeing cohabitation as an acceptable alternative to marriage, but is it? Since 1970 the number of heterosexual couples living together outside of marriage has increased over 1000 percent, according to the Rutgers National Marriage Project (NMP).

From a NMP study:

“Yet cohabitation in place of marriage should be considered a major societal concern. For one thing, marriage typically brings with it, according to an abundance of research, many benefits for those involved. Married people tend to be happier, healthier, wealthier, and they live longer. The available empirical evidence suggests that these benefits of marriage diminish considerably if the marital bond is replaced by non-marital cohabitation. Moreover, the evidence is now clear that people who marry after cohabiting (assuming that they are not already engaged or committed to each other when they first cohabit) tend to have a higher chance of breakup.”

Cohabitation has started a gradual decline in the attitude toward marriage. 44 percent of Europeans and 17 percent of Americans have agreed with the statement that living together in a long term relationship is just as good as marriage. This is the sort of attitude that lays the foundation for negative attitudes toward marriage. If marriage is not seen as more special or important than another form of commitment, then will not be treated as such.

Studies have shown that 11 percent more women who are in cohabiting relationships report physical abuse than those women who are in married relationships. Moreover, couples who cohabit experience more infidelity and are less likely to receive financial assistance from family.

Education also plays a huge part in cohabitation. The more educated someone is, the less likely they are cohabit. This brings an interesting idea to the forefront, since many people believe marriage to be a religious issue. Most people who are highly educated tend to be less active in their religion. Lower levels of education also point toward lower levels of income, so cohabiting couples are also likely to have lower incomes.

The negative effects of cohabitation do tend to break down among cohabiting couples who intend to marry. Many, but not all couples who cohabit with the intent to marry, exhibit relational behaviors similar to married couples.

So, the question then, is why cohabit? If you do not intend to marry the person that you are with, why are you living with them?

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There is a strong trend among contemporary couples toward cohabitation.  Religion plays less and less of a decision in sexual relationships, therefore more couples are choosing to “get to know each other” better before getting married.  They see marriage as an outmoded piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything.

Over the next couple weeks, we will examine cohabitation from several angles.  Studies conducted through the 70′s, 80′s and 90′s showed that cohabitation has a strong correlation with divorce.  Recent studies, however, have pointed to possible different results. We’ll dive into the statistics and see what we can extrapolate from them.

Cohabitation is on the rise, and many people are okay with it.  Take a look at the following statistics.  In the next post I will introduce some of the studies that these statistics and we’ll discuss their context and what they mean.

• 9.6% of couples who live together are not married.

• Those who cohabit only with their fiance have lower divorce rates than those who do not cohabit at all.

• Those who cohabit more than once have a divorce rate twice that of those who cohabit only with their fiance.

• Those who cohabit report a lower marital satisfaction rate and a higher behavioral problem rate.  They experience more fights and more violence.

• People who abstain from sex before marriage report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, including number of orgasms among women, than those who do not.

• Children who live with cohabiting parents are 20 – 33 times more likely to be abused.

What do you think?  Do you currently cohabitate?  What has your experience been like?  Do you object to cohabitation for religious or other reasons?  Why?

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