10 of the most Frequently Asked Questions By Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach

Parenting in the 21^st century is challenging and confusing for most parents. Families look and are different than years ago. Dads are raising kids more and more and more and more are the primary caregivers. We have to parent differently now. What values do we want to pass on? What do we want to teach our kids? What kind of people do we want them to be? Dads need to provide an environment for their children that is nurturing and loving with clear expectations and consequences that teach but do not shame. A Parent Coach can help with these challenges.

1. Question: What are some key reasons that a dad would seek out a Parent Coach’s help?

Answer: You have a child with difficult behavior (lack of respect, anger, back-talk, interrupting, tantrums, etc), or who is acting out or not doing well in school.  Also if you are going through: divorce, remarriage, blending a family, trauma or loss, teen alcohol or drug use, or if you want to improve family communication, balance or support.

2. Question: What should I look for in a Parent Coach?

Answer: An expert in the areas of child development and family dynamics.  They should be non-judgemental, good at building rapport, creative (they tailor plans to your family’s needs), patient, and a good teacher and mentor.

3. Question: What if I have already read parenting books and taken my child to a therapist and I am still struggling?

Answer: That’s okay and it means that you are searching for answers. Parent coaching can help because the coach works with you to tailor a parenting plan for your family.

4. Question: I have a special needs child and/or my child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, Conduct Disorder or Bipolar Disorder. Can a parent coach help us?

Answer: Absolutely, most children/teens will respond to a behavioral plan if the plan is designed for their developmental stage and age.

5. Question: Is waiting until your child is a teenager too late to change their behavioral patterns?

Answer: It is best to start as early as possible. But, even if they are 16 or 17 years old you can still turn that behavior around fairly quickly with the right plan.

6. Question: What is the biggest challenge that dads face in today’s world?

Answer: That has to be a combination of disrespect from their children and parent guilt. They go hand in hand. “If I discipline my child for being inappropriate he won’t like me but then I feel guilty because I know that I am not setting limits and this isn’t good for him.” A dad may feel guilty because he is stretched thin and overwhelmed. This is especially difficult with divorce where the kids are going back and forth between two homes. If dad doesn’t want to be “the bad guy” he might let behaviors go that need to be addressed.

7. Question: What are some of the biggest fears that dads have?

Answer: Dads believe that if they yell and scream at their kids that they will damage their children for life. They are also told that if they spank their kids that Child Protection Services will be knocking on the door.  Some dads are afraid to utilize their power and feel as if their hands are tied and they don’t know what to do.

8. Question: How does parent coaching take place?

Answer: Weekly parent telephone sessions and email, group parent telephone sessions, in-home sessions, and coaching products like books, DVDs and audio CDs.

9. Question: What if I am interested in hiring a parent coach but not sure?

Answer: Most parent coaches will provide a free consultation to see if you can work together.

10. Question: How long would I work with my parent coach and what are the costs?

Answer: Every coach has their own recommendations based on the family situation. Minimum is usually 3 months up until 12 months. Sometimes after a period of time weekly calls aren’t as necessary and the appointments can be shorter and less frequent.

Cost varies depending on your coach’s experience and expertise. Expect to pay

$500 -$1200/month for individual coaching. On paper it seems like a lot of money but most parents will tell you it was well worth the cost since the alternative of doing nothing could cost 10 to 20 times that amount. (Residential schools, therapies and medications, attorneys).

Group coaching is less expensive because you are sharing time with other parents. But, this can also be beneficial, knowing you are not alone!

Respect begins at home. When children don’t respect parents, they rarely respect their teachers and if they don’t respect their teachers this transfers to other authority figures such as neighbors, coaches and law enforcement. As young adults they have difficulty holding a job because they lack the social skills and respect that is necessary to make it in society.

Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach, works with parents whose children and adolescents are unmanageable. Susan graduated from the University of California at Berkeley School of Social Welfare.  She is a licensed clinical social worker in Connecticut and Rhode Island and also completed training with the Coaches Training Institute. Susan has written and published two parenting books, “The Take Back Your Parenting Powers System” and “Are You Tired of Nagging?” An expert in the areas of family dynamics, parenting and child development, Susan will uncover and unleash your parenting power. Get your free special report on how to get well behaved kids now at: www.ParentingPowers.com

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A Family First Entrepreneur is someone with an entrepreneurial mindset who keeps his or her family first.  As we look deeper into this definition, we must acknowledge that when business people put their families first, those two elements—business and family—affect one another in profound ways.  For example, when I want time with my kids, that choice relates to and has a direct effect on the time I spend on business and other endeavors.  Family First Entrepreneurs make business choices based on the potential impact they will have on their families first, and on business profitability second.

Another impact that people who align with this principle realize is that their families’ ability to function properly can also affect business.  There is nothing like family trauma to make a day at work both unbearable and unproductive.  They realize they need a healthy marriage and family life to be their best while producing a living.  You can see that one affects the other in profound ways, so Family First Entrepreneurs need a healthy work-life balance.

Lastly, Family First Entrepreneurs have an attitude about wealth creation which puts the goal of building wealth for the enhancement of their family first, and for “material possessions” second.  Things like time with family are bought before the Ferrari.

Whether you’re an empty nester, a single person, or have chosen to not have children, you still have a “family.”  If you are someone who puts your family first, who wants work-life balance, and who would enjoy creating wealth entrepreneurially…I welcome you to the club.

You can read more of Marc’s blogs and learn about his new book “ONO, Options not Obligations” at www.MarcWarnke.com.

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It’s at this very point, when mention of Christmas shopping starts, that husbands everywhere start to feel a little bit of panic. Don’t worry, you’ve still got 57 days until Christmas morning. Plenty of time to prepare. To spur your thinking and get your creative juices flowing, here are some ideas for some of the most popular ideas for gifts:

Jewelry. While women like shiny things, you don’t have to go really expensive. If you’re like most men, you’re hoping to find something that won’t break the bank. Next month we will showcase some of the best inexpensive handmade jewelry that your wife could ever hope to receive. She’ll be over the moon with gratitude.

Services. Spa treatments, massages, facials, self-spa kits, acupuncture, or get a maid to clean the house…for a month! It’s the gift that keeps on giving, as each time she gets a little special treatment she thinks of you.

Experiences. Glass blowing classes, a museum membership, season tickets to the theatre, pottery classes – any of these things will be a big hit with the one you love!

Things. Don’t just give a thing. Put some thought into your wife. What does she keep wishing she had? For example, my wife keeps wishing that she had a Kitchen Aid Mixer. She hasn’t gotten one yet because they’re $400, but it’s something that would mean a lot to her.

Time. The thing that makes vacations special for your wife and kids is not so much what you do, but the time you get to spend together as a family. Most of us can look back and remember some time spent with family that wasn’t doing any special thing, but that still carries a lot of positive emotional impact. Take your family on a trip for Christmas, or just give them the gift of you being there for them. Don’t forget that grandparents want to see your kids as well, and you can make Christmas extra special just by having all three generations together.

Look for upcoming guides to each of these categories – how to provide each of these things at Holiday time.

What about you? What gifts have you given your wife or kids that was really special? Ladies, what gifts have you received that have been really special?

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An essay recently released by the National Marriage Project, a research group based out of Rutgers University, seems to indicate that feminism may actually be helping marriage.

The essay, titled The Future of Marriage in America, talks about how there is a growing “marriage gap” between college educated women and those women who never went to college.  Since most women learn about the roots of feminism and gain their indoctrination during their college years, it would stand to reason that going to college and being exposed to feminism has somehow helped marriage’s cause.

Of women marriage in the 1990′s, only 16 percent of college educated women had been divorced within a ten year period.  Compare that with a 46 percent divorce rate for those with less than a full high school diploma.  What’s more, the data shows that the divorce rate is continuing to decline among the highly educated, and continuing to increase among the poorly educated.

Even accounting for later marriage age and a better income among those who are educated, it would seem that exposure to the intellectual ideas of feminism are almost a certainty, and almost certainly help improve their attitudes toward marriage.

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Michael Kimmel is a professor of gender studies, specializing in men’s issues.  His new book, Guyland, explores the emergence of a new developmental stage in men’s lives.

Cory: Tell me about your work and how you decided to write Guyland.

MK: I started writing Guyland because there was something going in this new developmental stage between adolescence.  People are getting married 6 or 7 years later than they were 50 years ago.  So, what are people doing in that time?

I began to talk to my students.  They seemed to be drifting.  They seemed to be delaying the ability to have a plan for their lives, to know what they were going to be like.  How they were planning to be the husbands and fathers they were trying to be.  I wrote this book to try to explain this world they live in, why Guyland has emerged…and how to navigate this world and be the kind of adult that [they] say [they] want to be.

Cory:  So you’re saying you’re hoping to create a dialogue among guys about how to use this time to prepare?

MK: Right, how to navigate this developmental stage more consciously and more ethically.

Cory: You’re not advocating getting rid of this developmental stage or going back to a time when people got married earlier?

MK: Absolutely not.  This developmental stage is here to stay.  Many guys that I talked to are saying things like, “What’s the rush?  Why do I have to commit to a relationship and then be married to someone for 70 years?  Give me a break!”  Other guys are saying, “That world where you retire at age 65 and you get a gold watch, that world is gone.  Corporations aren’t nearly so loyal.”  What happens is that guys are taking more time to commit to careers, more time to commit to relationships.  I don’t put any value judgement on that.  What I think is that’s the world we live in, so are we going to make that a time of drift, or are we going to make it a time when people engage ethically in these issues at this time in their lives?

Cory: So, what led you to be interested in this subject in the first place?

MK: Observing college kids.  Having a 9 year old son, watching him at the very beginning start to think about what masculinity means, what it means to be a guy, what guys are like and the differences between guys and girls.  Most of my scholarship has been on the evolving and changing definitions of masculinity in America, in response, in part to the changes in women’s lives.  And I think that the most important component to this.  In the past 30 – 40 years women’s lives have changed so dramatically that it has left a lot of men confused about their own world.  If women are our equals on the athletic field, in the corporate boardroom, in the operating room in the hospital, what’s distinctive, what is there that makes us feel like men?

Cory: You’re saying that because of women’s rights coming to the forefront, men are becoming confused about their own role in society?

MK: I think some are confused.  I think some have become angry, defensive.  I think there is an edge to a lot of Guyland.  I get a lot of, where can a guy go to just be a jerk? We can’t say disgusting things about girls anymore.  Y’know, where can a guy go to just be a guy?  To just be alone with other guys and just be as jerky as he wants to be?  They feel like there’s no place any longer that’s just for them.

Cory: Would you say that guys in Guyland are happy?

MK:  I wouldn’t.   They spend a lot of time being drunk and sloppy and proclaiming how happy they are.  If guys are truly honest about it, they are not thrilled about all the sorts of things that go on and that they have to participate in – all the drunken revels, the binging, the hazing, the hooking up.  I mean, it leaves you feeling kind’ve empty the next morning.  How does a guy get a map to leave this place of being so excitedly entertained all the time with every new video game, CD, movie, all the entertainment that is constantly swirling around?  How do you navigate your world, your way through this place, and that’s why I wrote the book.

Cory: If you could sum up how a guy gets a map out of Guyland, what would say that is?

MK: Most guys drift out.  Five or six guys from the same fraternity will rent a house.  Eventually around 27 or 28 they will start to drift away.  One guy will get a job where he has to get up at 7:00 in the morning, so he can’t go out binge drinking every night.  Another guy will get serious with his girlfriend, they’ll move in together.  Another guy will say he’s going to go back to law school so he has to study real hard.  Gradually they drift away.  Most guys eventually get through this, but they don’t get through it unscarred and they don’t really develop a good life plan for their careers or for being the good fathers we want them to be.

They want to be good fathers, by the way.

The second part is, they do it with some help.  They need the support network.  One of the things I talk about in this book is how to develop the really good male friend.  Finding one other guy with whom you can share your feelings without the sort of mask and bravado that you always have to have out in public.  Remembering your parents, keeping them involved in your lives.  Remembering to maintain those relationships.

The final thing, and I think this is really important, is to listen to their own hearts.  In the name of masculinity, we guys are often asked to go along with really stupid stuff.  Guys who are making cat calls on the street and we are sort of shuffling off, hoping she doesn’t see you, all the kind of stupid stuff that we are asked to put up with all the time.  You know you don’t’ feel very comfortable with it, you laughed when I said it.

The other night I was reading the very first Harry Potter book to my 9 year old son and at the very end of that book Professor Dumbledore says it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies.  It takes even more to stand up to your friends.  That’s what I think guys need to do as well, and they need to look inside themselves at their own sense of right and wrong and stop being bystanders because it’s just easier because they’ll pick on you instead, and do the right thing.

Cory: Who inspired you to go into this kind of work and research?

MK: Feminist women.  That’s the easiest answer.  I started my graduate work doing 17^th century French history and I got turned around to thinking about male/female relationship.  At the time in graduate school feminism was exploding all around me.  Women in my life kept saying you’ve got to write about this, think about this in your own life.  I changed the course of my life and eventually taught the very first course in the state of New Jersey on men and masculinity.  I’ve started, with other people, a sub-field of gender studies on masculinity, and that’s been the subject I’ve become an expert on the past 20 years or so.

Cory: I took a gender studies course in college.  One professor talked about male issues and it was really interesting.

MK: Was that professor male or female?

Cory: Female

MK: Most of the people who are interested in gender are women.

Cory: Most sociologists who study gender are women?

MK: Most people who think about gender are women.  Most people who think about race are black people.  White people don’t spend a whole lot of time, unless they’re white supremacists, thinking about how white they are.

Cory: So a lot of the guys who are wrapped up in this lifestyle aren’t thinking about it.

MK:  Right.  There’s a lot of confusion, a lot of reluctant bystanding, because they feel like they don’t have a choice.  My students to a man tell me they want to be good fathers.  They don’t have a clue.  They’ve done no preparation, no practice.  They’ve never diapered a baby, they’ve no idea how to cook, clean, anything that you’ll have to do if you’re a parent.  You know, for them, being a father is like this mystical state of being.  Suddenly when the baby emerges they think they will know all the things they need to know and of course they won’t.  So one of the things I’m interested in is helping them develop those skills.

Cory: How would you go about trying to get your students interested in seeking out information [on being] good husbands and fathers, like you’re talking about.  Why don’t they seek out the information?

MK: Most guys are not egalitarian parents because their wives do it.  They don’t do it because they don’t have to, no one forces them to do it.  My wife wanted me to clean a lot more than I normally do so I tried cleaning up the living room, I vacuumed, and she came in and said, “this is a mess.”  Then she re-did it for me.  I can’t do it right, she’s always going to re-do it for me, so I stopped.  So, I say to these guys, if you were working at your job and your boss came in and said this is all wrong, would you stop?  Would you say, “That’s okay, I can learn to do it better?”  Why is it that when it comes to house work, guys just “stop?”  Why not say, “I can learn to do it better?  Show me what to do.”  I think that a lot of guys don’t have a plan for this and don’t know they need one.  In my experience, obviously there are a ton of mommy bloggers out there, obviously they have a lot of free time, talking about being a good enough mother.  A lot of working mothers feel guilty that they’re not being the kind of mother that they want to be, that they’re not baking home-made chocolate chip cookies from scratch every day.  The reason they’re feeling so guilty is that so often they are comparing themselves to their own mothers who did do that sort of stuff.  They’re comparing themselves to their mothers and they don’t match up because they have careers.

The thing about dads though, is that instead of feeling guilty, we compare ourselves to our own fathers and we feel pretty damn self-congratulatory.  If we do one dish, fix one meal, make the bed once, do the laundry once, we’re doing light years better than our fathers did.  We’re out there patting ourselves on the back, so we don’t need to read a blog about it.

Cory: Anything else you would tell me [and our audience]?

MK: There are two things I would say to your audience.  I speak to your audience as young men thinking about being husbands and fathers, but a lot of the men you connect with are probably also themselves the fathers of young men.  It is essential that both mothers and fathers stay involved in their sons lives.  We have this model of helicopter parenting early in their lives, we micromanage them and completely over-schedule them, and they go off to college and we go, “Okay, bye, see you later.”  Then they go off into this vacuum where there’s no adult supervision at all.  I think both parts are wrong.  At a young age parents need to back off a little bit, and we also have to stay connected to our sons when they do leave home and go to college.  Instead of being helicopter parents, I call it being power strip parents.  You help your kids stay connected, you provide grounding for them, and if it gets to overload you run interference.

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Pornography is sometimes viewed as “normal” or an “art form.” A person might say, “What’s wrong with it?…I am not hurting anybody….everybody does it.” Those who promote, want to use, or can’t stop using porn, often have this perspective.

Here are some of the harmful consequences:

1. Porn often leads to more harmful sexually addictive behavior; e.g., compulsive masturbation, fantasy, promiscuity, exhibitionism, soliciting prostitutes, pedophilia, and rape. The user tends to gravitate toward the type of porn most being observed.

2. Porn by its very nature isolates an individual-making him more intent on satisfying selfish needs even at the expense of his marriage, family, financial stability, and career.

3. Porn stimulates a very powerful sexual desire followed by sexual release, most often through masturbation. Unfortunately, the release provides only momentary satisfaction, then an escalation of the behavior is required in an attempt to maintain a high level of sexual arousal.

4. Porn has the ability to control the user where he cannot stop. The fantasies occur more frequently as the addiction progresses.

Of the two pleasure centers in the brain, one is high impact, thrilling pleasure stimulated by pornography, erotic fantasies, or new sexual encounters. The other is a steady, less intense pleasure realized by walking on a beach, making love with a long term partner, helping a child with homework, experiencing deep feelings (painful or pleasant) and sharing them in a significant relationship.

A man doesn’t have to act out in dramatic ways to create harm in his life. Satisfaction can be achieved in small ways and still be detrimental. A beginner gets tastes of the high impact pleasure and slowly starts to integrate fantasies, images, and desires into everyday thoughts and behaviors. Even if he does not graduate to more involvement, this infiltration will still have a negative impact.

Supermodel Christy Brinkley’s family was destroyed by pornography. She and her husband, Peter Cook, had viewed porn together and considered it harmless. Then she discovered he had been masturbating via a web cam over the internet and had an affair with his 18 year old secretary whom he had groomed for sex since she was 15. She then pursued a public divorce trial to openly display his shameful behavior. In the settlement she was awarded full custody of the children. These severe consequences are just one example of what can happen to people.

People who stimulate the high impact pleasure center too often rarely get enough satisfaction. Porn can generate this type of pleasure with little effort. Once a man is hooked, he will have an extremely difficult time transitioning to healthy, more stable pleasure.

In my psychotherapy practice, couples enter therapy where the man has been caught using porn or acting out sexually. His wife is shocked, dismayed, and extremely angry about the betrayal. More often than not, they both believe it is about willpower and if he could only stay away from the computer, the prostitutes, or the porn, everything would be okay. They fail to realize that the sexual behavior is the symptom not the problem.

This is not like a substance addiction where a user can avoid a drink, a pusher or a drug. This compulsive behavior is lethal, since a man cannot simply avoid erotic thoughts. Especially in our culture, provocative images are everywhere. The underlying problem is that he is addicted to high intensity pleasure and does not know how to experience pleasure from everyday, ordinary life situations; such as, spending quality time with his family or having intimate talks and sharing with his wife. Frequently, neither partner knows how to enjoy these simple pleasures, therefore, it is not just the man who needs therapy. The marriage needs an overhaul where both have to address emotional issues.

I inform the couple, “this unfortunate, painful event can be used to open your eyes and turn your marriage around…you can end up with a wonderful marriage, one you never knew was possible. Yes, your husband betrayed you and he is responsible to repair the damage done to you…and his behavior is indicative of a person who is unhappy, bored, anxious, even depressed in his marriage. He did not know what to do to address his unhappiness. If he is so unhappy that he is willing to endanger his marriage, then more than likely you also are in an unsatisfying marriage….at some point you both will look back on this and the porn will no longer be an issue…in fact you will even be grateful that he got caught.”

The couple needs to learn to replace the depression, loneliness, anxiety and the high intensity pleasure with the everyday pleasures of delight and wonder for their marriage and their family life.

With the clinical evidence rapidly mounting against pornography use, the question remains: how can couples explore intimacy and their sexuality with suffering the negative effects of pornography?

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Ladies, this one is for you.  When your dear, sweet husband is getting on your nerves because he is so tense, or he’s getting all up in your business and you need some time alone, you might try one of these brilliant moves.

Guys, this one is for you.  Do yourselves a favor, and email this article to your wives.  Heck, print it off and give it to her if you have to.

Sex.  Most wives have experienced the post sex snore.  Besides the fact that sex often occurs at night when it’s easy to fall asleep, sex is a lot of physical work, and during orgasm, men’s brains release a chemical known as prolactin, which is present in people’s brains in high amounts during sleep.  As a side note, four times as much prolactin is released during intercourse as there is during masturbation.  In other words, wives, we really do need your help on this one.

Video Games. Racing games, puzzles, RPG’s, first person shooters – don’t understand any of that terminology?  That’s okay.  Odds are, your husband does.  About 80% of video game players are men ages 18 – 35.  Obviously video games are not just the realm of little boys any more.  Guys use the gaming time as a way to forget responsibilities and pressures that are weighing them down.  If you don’t like to play games with him, sit him down in front of the TV or pack him into the car and send him to a friend’s house and tell him not to come back until he’s achieved at least level 25 on Xbox Live’s Halo 3.

Sports.  We all need exercise in order to release muscle tension, but some guys need more physical activity to relax.  A weekly basketball game, a flag football pickup game, racquetball, tennis…heck, ping pong might even do the trick.  Guys brains get engaged when they play sports and after a couple hours of physical exertion, there’s all those endorphins flowing and it’s a lot easier to sit down and listen to you talk.  Get him a gym membership and drop him off on your way to the spa.

Manual Labor. Does your husband have a mini wood-working shop in the garage?  Does he like to garden?  Does he like to build things with his hands?  If he’s getting cranky you might be able to kill two birds with one stone: tell him to go to Lowe’s, pick up some lumber, and build that impenetrable fortress for the chickens that you haven’t yet told him you’re going to raise.

Watching TV/Movies. An hour or two of watching his favorite crime drama or sporting event can put your man in a better mood.  Tell him to stop picking at the food on the stove and go relax in front of the TV.  He might even be grateful.

Fishing.  Don’t ask me why, but for some reason many guys associate fishing with relaxation.  While I may not understand it, there’s something to be said for being in a quiet place in the woods next to a lake.  Of course, if you catch something, that’s not really very relaxing.  Perhaps it has something to do with all of the beer that my stepdad drank while he was out “fishing.”

Food.  As the saying goes, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  Besides tryptophan-laced turkey, there are lots of other foods that can induce a relaxed state of being.  Do you know your husband’s favorite recipes?  Do you make them?  Secret trick: find out what foods your mother-in-law used to make for your husband as a little boy and make those on occasion – your husband will adore you.  Just remember to make it the way mom made it.

Pulling us away from work. Some of us really like to work.  Even when we say that we’re going to not work, we think about work.  It’s probably even part of one of the qualities you like in your husband.  Sometimes even the work we like stresses us out though.  Pull your man away from the computer, make him stand up from the desk, take away his Crackberry, and push him into one of the other activities above.

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We live in a society in which people always seem to want more. What we have is never enough. We are uber-consumers and obsessed with stuff. My house is filled with stuff that we don’t need, yet we find a way to continue buying things. Am I thankful for what we have? Absolutely – my wife and I have worked hard to get to this point in our careers and lives.

The stuff around me, though, is not what really matters. I am much more appreciative of other more substantial things in my life.

Here are some of the things I am thankful for:

My Wife – I am very proud to have a wife who is smart, intelligent, independent, beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and considerate. She is an incredible partner and a wonderful mother. I’m fortunate to have someone who understands me for who I am and values my strengths.

My Kids – My life as a father has been one of high highs and low lows. I don’t like to talk about it much, but my first daughter died of a heart disease shortly after being born. This was extremely hard on me emotionally and mentally. Anyone who has suffered a loss like this knows that life is precious and should be treasured. Now, I have a teenage daughter, toddler son and baby girl whom I appreciate more than life itself. My youngest daughter had a very rough start to life, being born premature and developing a very serious infection.  After a month in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, she came home and is doing very well now.  I am blessed beyond belief with three amazing kids!

My Family – I feel extremely fortunate to have parents who are also great leaders and role models. My inlaws are incredible people too, so I am thankful that my kids will be positively influenced by many outstanding relatives. You can’t choose your family, but if I could, I would pick one like mine.

My Strengths – I’m thankful for the natural abilities that God has given me, or nature has granted me through genetics, or the abilities I have learned or developed myself. I have always lived in, and created, an environment of building upon strengths, and I know that most people do not live like this. Life is hard for most, and I’ve had my fair share of troubles; however, I was always taught to leverage my strengths and overcome obstacles. I live an empowered life, and I know that most things happen because of me and not to me. I have the power! (I always enjoyed watching He-Man cartoons as a kid – “I have the power!”)

My Experiences – My life is full. It’s always been that way. I’m not a passive observer, even though I like to write about and chronicle experiences that I witness. I am an active participant in life, and I like to make things happen. I get involved. I volunteer. I am the first to try things, which caused many trips to the emergency room when I was a kid. I’m not afraid to fail, and I’ve done so many times. I like to learn from both mistakes and successes. My experiences have helped shape who I am as a man, husband, father, friend and leader, and I value them greatly.

I could probably write a few thousand words on the things that I’m thankful for in my life, but it seems slightly narcisstic. I’d much rather hear from you about the things that you’re thankful for in life.

What are you thankful for right now?  Please share.

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Sex. Married couples have sex more often, and report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, according to the National Marriage Project.  This applies even as couples get older, into their mid-40′s and early 50′s.  This is a result of a number of factors including an evolving sense of trust, the absence of guilt for religious couples, security in the relationship, security in physical needs being met, a deeper understanding of what partners like and, well, proximity.

Health.  All jokes about grey hair and stress aside, men who are married live an average of 10 years longer than those who are not married.  Not only that, but their quality of life and health goes up as well.  Sociologist Linda Waite’s research shows that men who are married engage in fewer risky behaviors, like drinking or dangerous hobbies and careers.  Married men also eat more healthily and see the doctor more often.

Higher rate of happiness. Michael Kimmel, a sociologist at State University of New York, recently wrote a book illustrating this point.  Even though so many men are choosing to marry later and later in life, often in their mid-30′s or early 40′s, these men are unhappy.  Dr. Kimmel’s work across the last three decades has shown that men are higher achieving when they are married.  It’s easy to be healthy when you’re healthy, have a high income, and experience a high degree of sexual satisfaction.

Tax & Financial benefits. A single residence, shared health insurance and other benefits, insurance breaks, and automatic inheritance rights give married couples big legal advantages when it comes to money.  In addition, according to 2006 tax data, middle class married couples save an average of $1300 per year on taxes (the so-called “marriage penalty” mostly applies to those with very high or very low incomes).  Finally, married couples tend to have higher incomes than single couples.  Marriage increases incomes by about $1800 for each year of marriage.

Love.  There’s something to be said for tradition.  Standing in front of witnesses and publicly declaring your formal commitment to your new bride says a lot about what kind of man you are and how you view your relationship with your partner.  If you really love your partner, marriage is one very powerful way of showing her that your commitment is for real, and invites her to do the same.

©2012 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

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How many times have you been in love? I’m not talking about the number of times that you think you were in love, or all of the instances in which you were passionately attracted to another person. I mean really in love with someone, caring about her more than you do yourself and accepting her without wanting to change a thing.

True love, as Tolstoy says, is about loving the “whole person” as they are, and “not as you would like them to be.” Spouses are not meant to be malleable pieces of clay for you to shape and mold.  If this were true, then we’d all have Stepford Wives.  By the time you get married, much of your wife’s character has already been formed.

People seem to like to learn things for themselves though, and oftentimes after years (or months) of failure in trying to change a person the marriage ends in divorce.  The current divorce rate in America is hovering around 40%.

What are the Top 10 Reasons for Divorce (DivorceGuide.com)?

1. Infidelity

2. Communication Breakdown

3.  Abuse

4.  Money

5.  Sex

6.  Boredom

7.  Religious or Cultural differences

8. Parenting

9. Addiction

10. Different goals or priorities in life

How many of those things do you think one or both of the people in the marriage thought they could change about the other?  Is there something these people could have done differently to produce a better outcome?  If you agree with Tolstoy, then the answer is “yes” – true love is the only antidote to divorce.

True love is genuine and personal – it is a connection that extends beyond the bounds of friendship, although it does include those feelings, and it combines acceptance with accountability and forgiveness. In other words, true love is unconditional love.

Many times, though, it seems that people love the idea or concept of being in a serious relationship with another person – the relationship is the object of their genuine affection, as opposed to the individual. As a result, conflict or dissatisfaction arises because one person, or both people, cannot conform to the ideal envisioned in the other’s mind.  Eventually, this kind of love becomes conditioned upon change, which we have already established to be a recipe for failure.

True love happens when you accept people for who they are without stipulations. Are you “in love” with your wife, or do you just love “the idea” of her? If it’s true love, then be sure to cherish and celebrate it. However, if it’s conceptual and not genuine, then you’re cheating yourself and her out of something very special in life by hanging on to a fantasy that will never come true.

Does that mean you should divorce?  No.  Divorce should be a last resort and not a quick-and-easy solution to your relationship problems.

If you want to save your relationship, then you will need to let go of the fantasy and discover the reality about who you wife really is as a person.  Real marriages (or relationships of any kind) take work, but for every little bit of effort you put into it you are likely to get a greater return on that investment of time, energy or thoughtfulness.

True love is often uncovered or strengthened through the trials, struggles and hardships a couple faces together.  Working through your differences builds trust and appreciation for one another.  That doesn’t mean you should go looking for trouble, but it also means you shouldn’t be quick to throw in the towel and give up.

Divorce should only be viewed as the last and final option available.  We all have problems and none of us are ever going to fit the perfect ideal that exists in our spouse’s mind.  True love, though, in my opinion, has a hard time existing in a perfect world – it needs those tiny imperfections to cling to so that it can grow.

Let’s face it – relationships are messy. They take work. Example: one of my favorite movies ever is Good Will Hunting, which about getting past those imperfections to find the perfect life (*Warning: Strong Language in Video Clip):

True love exists, but not in fairy tales. It exists in the real world between real people who, like Tolstoy said, are willing to “love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.”

True love is the only antidote for divorce because it is the one thing that makes two imperfect people perfect for each other.

©2012 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

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In the United States since 2000, between 7% and 25% of all couples are cohabiting in any given year.  About 50 percent of all people between the ages of 22 and 44 have cohabited at some point in their lives, compared to almost none one hundred years ago.  Not only do those who are married live longer, happier, healthier lives, but children of those in cohabiting relationships are in danger.

Cohabiting couples put their children at risk in the following ways:

- According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, since cohabiting couples are more likely to break up than married couples, children are five times more likely to experience the breakup of their parents.

- Children are 50 times more likely to be abused when they are not living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to U.S. Census data.

- Even factoring in socioeconomic and mental health differences, cohabiting couples’ children twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric disorders, diseases, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

- Children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of poverty and low socioeconomic status.

- Children are more likely to have difficulties forming healthy relationships.

This list is a stunning condemnation of the effects of cohabitation on children.  In no published research is there any evidence that cohabitation is beneficial to the health and well being of children.

What does this mean for us, as men?

It may seem a little obvious, but the science shows that marriage, religious or not, is important and that it works.  Arguments fostering the idea that cohabitation is a good replacement for marriage hold little weight.

Pick partners carefully. Serial cohabitation is becoming somewhat commonplace.  Get to know your partner a little bit better before moving in together.

If after dating a while cohabitation still seems like a good idea, examine your relationship a little bit closer and ask yourself if you’re moving in together because you love each other and want to be together forever, or  because it seems like the easiest thing to do?

If it’s the easiest thing to do then perhaps you should consider some of the long term effects of cohabiting.  Studies show you’ll be more likely to split up, show a lower sexual satisfaction, lower overall happiness, and more likely to divorce if you do marry.

If a woman has children, are you okay with being in the company of children?  Do you see them as an obstacle to your relationship with her?  If so, then this relationship is not for you.

There’s no doubt that cohabitation has become a commonplace arrangement in our society.  With most of the evidence against cohabiting, where will the country be when cohabiting replaces marriage as the norm?

©2012 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

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Legal Action Step #1: Prepare Your Playbook — Games are won and lost on pre-game preparation and strategy.  You can increase the chances your team will be successful by preparing your playbook in advance rather than trying to figure out what to do on the fly.  Get your team together for monthly team meetings and determine together where you are going and what you want to do when you get there.  Write down your team’s objectives and the action steps necessary to get there.  Create a playbook for the team where you keep everything organized so that every member of the team has access to vital team documents, such as insurance information, banking information, retirement account information, income and expense information.  Share the playbook with your Wife so that if anything happens to you, she’ll be able to keep the team on track for success.

Legal Action Step #2: Document Your Game Plan — Think of your estate plan as the game plan for your life.  Most people mistakenly think an estate plan is all about planning for death.  That’s faulty thinking.  In truth, your estate plan is about making sure the people you love most would know what to do if anything happened to you.  It’s important to have this game plan spelled out even if you don’t have a whole lot of assets.

Consider the following situation that recently came across my desk – a janitor who hadn’t done any planning because he probably thought he didn’t have enough wealth to need a plan was recently hit by a car.  He didn’t die, but he was hospitalized, unable to communicate or sign documents.  He had only $10,000 in a bank account in his name.  This was $10,000 that his family desperately needed, but could not get access to without a court order because the janitor didn’t think he needed a game plan for his assets.  He did.  More importantly, his family did.

These are the legal documents you’ll need as part of your game plan:

No matter what, you need to have an Advance Health Care Directive (names the person you want making health care decisions for you and tells them how to make those decisions), Durable Power of Attorney (names someone to handle financial matters for you), and a Will (designates what should happen to your assets at your death).

If you also have money or own your home or other real estate, you will want to have a Trust set up to make sure that what you own passes to your Wife as easily as possible.  A Trust also keeps everything private, which is important because there are men out there combing the probate records to find out what devastated spouse is inheriting a big chunk of change so they can weasel there way in at a vulnerable time.  By putting your assets in a Trust, you are protecting your Wife and kids from prying eyes.

If you are not only a good husband, but also a good daddy, you’ll want to also have in place a comprehensive Kids Protection Plan® to make sure that your kids will always be raised by people you know, love and trust.  You can take the first step (naming legal guardians for your kids) for free at http://www.KidsProtectionPlan.com.

Legal Action Step #3:  Fund Your Game Plan — Whether you are the family breadwinner or not, you will want to make sure your team has a stable financial foundation.  You should have at least $250,000 to $1,000,000 of TERM life insurance on your life.  It’s cheap.  It’s there for your family just in case you get yanked from the team before you’ve gotten to the end of your playbook.  I’ve known men who are philosophically opposed to insurance.  I call bulls**t on that.  It’s not a philosophy.  If you love your family, you have insurance on your life to make sure their financial needs are met if you can’t be there.  And, if you are the breadwinner, you make sure you have enough insurance (or savings) in place to support your Wife until she’s well into her 90s even if you check out of the game 30 years earlier.  It happens and if she’s staying home and playing defense so you can mount the best offense possible, it’s your responsibility to make sure she’s got support even if you aren’t there.

Legal Action Step #4:  Recruit the Right Coaches for Your Team — Every successful team relies on the guidance of a strong coach or even team of coaches.   Depending on the size of your assets and where your income comes from, you will need a variety of coaches on your team.

If you own your home, have a retirement account, and you are accumulating assets, you will want to start your team with a Personal Family Lawyer®.  Unlike typical lawyers, a Personal Family Lawyer will guide you to create your playbook, document your game plan and keep it up to date, all without breaking your bank.  By making your Personal Family Lawyer the head coach you consult before making financial plays, you’ll actually save money by not buying insurance you don’t need, entering into bad deals and otherwise making bad financial decisions.

If you have your own business, you will want to add a CPA or other tax professional to your coaching team.  Your CPA will ensure you are making the most of your tax deductions and should work together with your Personal Family Lawyer.

If you have more than $500,000 in investable assets, you’ll want to consider adding an investment advisor to your coaching team.  Your investment advisor will ensure your assets are allocated properly and that your investment strategy fits into your overall game plan.  Your investment advisor should work closely with your Personal Family Lawyer to understand your overall strategy.

While this list isn’t even close to exhaustive, be taking these four initial actions steps, your team will be set up for the maximum chance of success no matter what comes your way.

Alexis Martin Neely is America’s Personal Family Lawyer, author of the bestselling book “Wear Clean Underwear! A Fast, Fun, Friendly – and Essential – Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents” and the nation’s leading legal expert guiding you to more wealth, health and happiness through smart financial and legal decisions for yourself and your family.  Subscribe to Alexis’ online magazine Family Wealth Secrets at http://www.FamilyWealthMatters.com.

©2012 Husbands and Dads. All Rights Reserved.

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Per capita divorce rates 1990-2002:
1991, 0.47%
1992, 0.48%
1993, 0.46%
1994, 0.46%
1995, 0.46%
1996, 0.43%
1997, 0.43%,
1998, 0.42%,
1999, 0.41%,
2000, 0.41%,
2001, 0.40%,
2002, 0.38%

A couple thoughts:

- Divorce rates are down since the 1970′s, and on a downward trend for the most recent 10 years of reporting. So why all the hype around the 50% divorce rate?

- Four states do not report divorce rates: California, Colorado, Indiana and Louisiana. How would these statistics change if these states reported their data?

- These rates are the number of marriages dissolving. Since a marriage involves two, it’s a lot of people affected by this. When you think about it, 38% may seem low but is it?  A 62% (success rate) was not a good grade when I went to school.  What more can be done to lower the rate of failure?

How many people do you know that have been divorced?  Was there anything that could have been done to save the marriage?

*note: Thanks to the readers who pointed out a slip in the original post with the 76% of married people being affected. Even though the number of people is double the percent stays the same at 38%.

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In your practice, how has cohabitation affected your patients?

This is anecdotal at best, but my sense is that those who are cohabiting seem to possess an extra layer of insulation to protect themselves from the disapproval of others. They are not brazen or defiant in an overt way, but they seem to be very locked into their mind set. After marriage, usually long after marriage, they begin to deal with some regrets and some negative attitudes toward the other partner which usually have negative implications in their experience of intimacy.

Can you describe the professional/clinical objections to cohabitation, excluding religious objections?

There is an intrinsic self-serving expediency about cohabitation that undermines the development of empathy. It is emotional sensitivity and empathy that provide the foundation for intimacy. Living together to save money and to prepare for marriage can contribute to companionship, but does not prepare the way for intimacy. The problem we face is that waiting until marriage before living together and having sex together does not guarantee good intimacy (there are many factors that prevent this), but cohabitation seems to be a definite threat to the foundation of secure enduring attachment.

New research on cohabitation shows that couples who cohabit with the intent to marry show little difference in behavior from married couples, suggesting that it’s the intent of cohabitation that may make it a negative behavior. What are your impressions?

I don’t trust the research. Obviously, if the intent of the cohabitation is selfish, the experience can lead to negative outcome. But even if the intent of the cohabitation is idealistic and loving, the inherent motives of impatience, expediency, and freedom from constraint can lead to negative outcomes. The big question for the researcher is what to measure (beyond behavior); then comes how to measure the possible impact of any precursor to marriage; then comes how to separate the contributions of various factors.

Do you see any positive effects of cohabitation?

Certainly. It provides a level of reality in the relationship which can test readiness for coming to terms with life experiences that involve another person.

Dr. Lee Jagers has been a marriage counselor in the North Dallas area for 30 years and has worked with a tremendous number of couples. He maintains his private practice, specializing in the reconciliation of marriages following an affair or addiction relapse. He also maintains a blog about his teaching and counseling work.

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Just like coaches build play books by studying other teams’ plays and analyzing them in great detail, you need to put together a list of marriage resources that you can use to handle whatever marriage throws at you. Where to start you ask? Read the following suggestions. There are options ranging from the keep-yourself-anonymous (for you macho types out there) to the highly interactive (for the post-modern man).

Blogs and online discussion boards – Websites like this one, HusbandsandDads.com, provide articles, tips, resources, and discussion formats for all aspects of marriage. Blogs are highly interactive forms of media, and they’re great for discussing issues that you may not feel comfortable discussing with people you know, or for simply getting additional perspective on whatever is bothering you. I also highly recommend SimpleMarriage.net – Dr. Corey Allen has a fabulous blog about simplifying marriage and making it more fun and engaging.

Books – It seems as though everyone has written a book about marriage and relationships. Fortunately, there are many excellent books out there. Many books specialize in a certain area of relationships, like communication or sex. I highly recommend: The Act of Marriage by Tim Lahaye – it sexual relationships between husband and wife in gently clear detail, taking away the mystery and giving new insight into romantic love. The Five Love Languages, which breaks communication down into five simple categories, helping you to communicate love to your partner in a way they understand, and helping you understand what makes you feel loved.

MarriageAdvice.com – Advice from counselors. The site is built from a clinical perspective, but many of the articles are engaging, and it’s always good to hear a professional’s point of view. Also great for the man who likes to read but doesn’t have the attention span for longer media.

Your pastor - Many pastors are also qualified counselors or have taken classes in counseling. They also see things from a spiritual perspective which, if your religious views align, can be immensely helpful in your journey through marriage.

MarriageBuilders.com – Marriage Builders is an organization with a weekly radio broadcast, weekend marriage retreats, and has a bevy of coaches willing and ready to help you in your marriage. They’re not the only game in town, so if you can’t access their radio broadcast or their retreats, there are many more marriage retreats out there.

Your parents – It’s tough to do, but asking your parents for relationship advice can actually be a wonderfully helpful thing. If you respect your parents and they have made marriage work, it might be a good idea to swallow your pride and ask for some advice. The good thing about going to your parents, no matter what age you are, is that it can help build a closer bond with them as they help you work through whatever issue you might be having with marriage.

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