Sex. Married couples have sex more often, and report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, according to the National Marriage Project.  This applies even as couples get older, into their mid-40’s and early 50’s.  This is a result of a number of factors including an evolving sense of trust, the absence of guilt for religious couples, security in the relationship, security in physical needs being met, a deeper understanding of what partners like and, well, proximity.

Health.  All jokes about grey hair and stress aside, men who are married live an average of 10 years longer than those who are not married.  Not only that, but their quality of life and health goes up as well.  Sociologist Linda Waite’s research shows that men who are married engage in fewer risky behaviors, like drinking or dangerous hobbies and careers.  Married men also eat more healthily and see the doctor more often.

Higher rate of happiness. Michael Kimmel, a sociologist at State University of New York, recently wrote a book illustrating this point.  Even though so many men are choosing to marry later and later in life, often in their mid-30’s or early 40’s, these men are unhappy.  Dr. Kimmel’s work across the last three decades has shown that men are higher achieving when they are married.  It’s easy to be healthy when you’re healthy, have a high income, and experience a high degree of sexual satisfaction.

Tax & Financial benefits. A single residence, shared health insurance and other benefits, insurance breaks, and automatic inheritance rights give married couples big legal advantages when it comes to money.  In addition, according to 2006 tax data, middle class married couples save an average of $1300 per year on taxes (the so-called “marriage penalty” mostly applies to those with very high or very low incomes).  Finally, married couples tend to have higher incomes than single couples.  Marriage increases incomes by about $1800 for each year of marriage.

Love.  There’s something to be said for tradition.  Standing in front of witnesses and publicly declaring your formal commitment to your new bride says a lot about what kind of man you are and how you view your relationship with your partner.  If you really love your partner, marriage is one very powerful way of showing her that your commitment is for real, and invites her to do the same.

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Just like coaches build play books by studying other teams’ plays and analyzing them in great detail, you need to put together a list of marriage resources that you can use to handle whatever marriage throws at you. Where to start you ask? Read the following suggestions. There are options ranging from the keep-yourself-anonymous (for you macho types out there) to the highly interactive (for the post-modern man).

Blogs and online discussion boards – Websites like this one, HusbandsandDads.com, provide articles, tips, resources, and discussion formats for all aspects of marriage. Blogs are highly interactive forms of media, and they’re great for discussing issues that you may not feel comfortable discussing with people you know, or for simply getting additional perspective on whatever is bothering you. I also highly recommend SimpleMarriage.net - Dr. Corey Allen has a fabulous blog about simplifying marriage and making it more fun and engaging.

Books – It seems as though everyone has written a book about marriage and relationships. Fortunately, there are many excellent books out there. Many books specialize in a certain area of relationships, like communication or sex. I highly recommend: The Act of Marriage by Tim Lahaye – it sexual relationships between husband and wife in gently clear detail, taking away the mystery and giving new insight into romantic love. The Five Love Languages, which breaks communication down into five simple categories, helping you to communicate love to your partner in a way they understand, and helping you understand what makes you feel loved.

MarriageAdvice.com - Advice from counselors. The site is built from a clinical perspective, but many of the articles are engaging, and it’s always good to hear a professional’s point of view. Also great for the man who likes to read but doesn’t have the attention span for longer media.

Your pastor - Many pastors are also qualified counselors or have taken classes in counseling. They also see things from a spiritual perspective which, if your religious views align, can be immensely helpful in your journey through marriage.

MarriageBuilders.com - Marriage Builders is an organization with a weekly radio broadcast, weekend marriage retreats, and has a bevy of coaches willing and ready to help you in your marriage. They’re not the only game in town, so if you can’t access their radio broadcast or their retreats, there are many more marriage retreats out there.

Your parents - It’s tough to do, but asking your parents for relationship advice can actually be a wonderfully helpful thing. If you respect your parents and they have made marriage work, it might be a good idea to swallow your pride and ask for some advice. The good thing about going to your parents, no matter what age you are, is that it can help build a closer bond with them as they help you work through whatever issue you might be having with marriage.

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The truth is, marriage preparation begins long before getting engaged.

Some things to consider before getting married.

Are you financially ready for marriage? How will you and your spouse pay for the wedding?  It’s not a smart financial decision to finance it with high interest credit cards or personal loans.  After the wedding, do you have money to get a place together?  Do you have savings put away?

Are you emotionally ready for marriage? You may be in love, but are you emotionally equipped for when things become difficult?  You don’t have to be a “sensitive guy,” but it certainly helps to have the ability to talk about your feelings.  While the stereotype that women talk more than men is not true, it is certainly true that men talk about feelings less, and generally don’t have the same working emotional vocabulary that women do.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking about feelings, there are a plethora of books and classes out there to help you feel a little more comfortable.

Invest in Preparations. Most people spend plenty of money on classes and training.  College, professional development, and other courses.  There are a plethora of marriage preparation courses out there, most of them taught by churches of different denominations.  Try The Marriage Course, the self help marriage course, or the Family Life/Respect Life course.

What things are most important to you and what do you think you should spend the most time on?  Some of the topics you will definitely want to discuss are:

Religion.  Surpassed by only money and sex as the topics that can cause massive fighting, religion needs to be discussed.  Are you really okay with not sharing the same religious beliefs?  Will you be okay with it when you have children?  When you are old?  What about on holidays?  Are you going to feel cheated if you have to compromise on important principles you teach your children?

Sex.  Studies done by the University of Wisconsin show that cohabitation makes couples far more likely to divorce.  One of the best things you can do for your marriage to help insure long lasting marriage is to remain chaste before marriage and loyal after.  Whether you agree with traditional religious views of chastity before marriage, you must come to an agreement with your spouse that you can at least talk about sex.  You need to be able to openly communicate about the subject from the very beginning.

Money.  People have a lot of issues surrounding what money represents.  Talk with your spouse about how important money is to her.  What is your career?  Is that going to provide for your family?  Will you both work?  Will there be a stay at home parent?

There are many other topics that you could discuss.  The idea is that you communicate openly and honestly about what’s important to you, and to her.  Also, you are building a foundation for future communication.  Not everything will come up before the wedding.  Some things won’t become issues until years later or until after you have children.  Learning to communicate up front will save a lot of heartache in your marriage.

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Try a foot massage. Odds are that your wife has spent most of the day either working, chasing after the kids, or both, while also preparing meals, balancing budgets, and fixing owies.  Foot massages release endorphins, ease tension, and by their very nature force people to sit or lie down for a while.  There are few things that help a person relax better than a foot massage.  Learn how to give a foot massage, or take your wife to a reflexologist.

Alexander Technique. Developed by F. M. Alexander in the early 1900’s, Alexander technique was originally created as a way of releasing excess tension from the throat to allow for free expression.  Now, Alexander technique practitioners help their clients dance, sing, and walk better.  Even just a few visits with a licensed practitioner can give your wife the skills to let go of excess tension. To find a teacher visit the Official Alexander Technique website.

Reiki. Of Japanese origin, Reiki practitioners believe that a person can learn to consciously guide a person’s life energy to promote clarity, relaxation, and healing.  According to Reiki.org, “A treatment feels like a wonderful glowing radiance that flows through and around you. Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation and feelings of peace, security and well being. Many have reported miraculous results.”

Massage Therapy. Most people are familiar with massage therapy, but did you know that there are many different levels of massage therapy?  In addition to the “deep tissue” massage that many are familiar with, massage therapists are often trained to do shallow massages that don’t hurt as much, localized massages on certain trouble spots, as well as Lymphatic massage, a very light touch massage that is designed to relax surface muscles and stimulate the Lymph system, thus helping the body rid itself of toxins.

Spa Treatments. There are day spas everywhere, and sending your wife to a spa for the afternoon can make her feel absolutely wonderful.  Spa professionals will mud wrap, cucumber treat, massage, pedicure, manicure, and align your wife into a happy, content being.  Familiarize yourself with prices before you send her as spas can run from inexpensive to prohibitively costly.  Visit SpaFinder.com to find your local spa.  You might even decide to do a couple’s spa treatment (but this is about her, not you, right?)

Treat her to a lavish bath. Familiarize yourself with things like scented candles, bath bombs, bath salts, essential oils, lotions, terry cloth towels, soft water, and bubble bath.  Now, pick and purchase an array of scented bath accompaniments that you think she’ll like.  If you do, I promise your wife will not only be grateful but will be impressed that you took the time to care.  Extra points if you can find scents that you both like, so that when she gets out of the tub you can’t help but get close to her.

Yoga. Not that crazy sweat-room Bikram Yoga that is so popular lately, but Iyengar, Hatha, or Anusara Yogas all emphasize body alignment, meditation, and are more gentle than Bikram.  While not immediately relaxing while doing the exercises, yoga builds flexibility and strength which allows for ease of relaxation later.

Get her to talk to her girlfriends. Seriously.  For you newly married guys, you’ll grow to understand this.  As wonderful of a husband as you undoubtedly are, women need female conversation, even if they won’t admit they do.  You just don’t have the female perspective.

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Each Sunday my wife and I sit down and hold a weekly review that we call Companionship Inventory. We’ve been doing this since the beginning of our marriage, just over five years. It’s important to do this with your partner weekly, independent of children. You can call it anything that you want, but it basically consists of the following four parts:

1. Weekly Planning

We whip out our calendars and (quickly) go over what we have planned for the week, one at a time. We skip repetitive things like work or classes and instead focus on what we’re doing during the evenings and weekends that will interfere with our time together or that we might need the other’s help or presence for. Specific items might include: dinner parties, things we need the car for, going out with friends so I can’t see you then, study groups, or a myriad of other things.

2. Business

Next we mostly talk about finances - what major expenditures we might have this week or in the near future, planning dates, housekeeping issues, future plans like long term goals.

3. Testimony Time

Companionship Inventory is a left over from when I was a full time missionary in Vancouver, Canada. As such, testimony time is a time to share with each other our feelings about what really matters - our spirituality. Some people may not feel comfortable with this, but for the two of us, it’s an intrinsic part of our lives and our marriage. Your testimony time could just include your thoughts on what’s really important to you or what you’ve been thinking about during that week. It’s often the most fulfilling part of our Companionship Inventory.

4. Compliment Time

My wife’s favorite part of our weekly review, we take turns telling each other one thing we admire about the other. We give at least 3 - 5 compliments every time, no matter how angry we might be at each other or how tired we are. It’s amazing how much complimenting the one you love does for your relationship. Whenever we have anyone staying with us we always include them in compliment time and they always enjoy it.

That’s pretty much it - it usually lasts less around 45 minutes. It may not be so for every couple, but Companionship Inventory is the single most important thing that we do that has helped our relationship.

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1. A Higher Power. Whether you are Christian, Jew, Muslim or something else you owe your respect and diligence to something outside of yourself. Even if you are an Atheist, you will find your life more fulfilling if you have something outside of you and bigger than you to believe in. Your duty to a Higher Power should be first in your life, before everything else. If it is, then you will have the proper perspective on life and your spirit will be fed, enlarged, and enlightened.

2. Self. You are not able to help others with all your capacity if you are not functioning at your highest level. You need to make sure you are healthy, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Jesus Christ told the hypocritical Pharisees that they were “whited sepulchres full of dead men’s bones and rotting flesh,” and that before they could tell others how to act they must first “cleanse the inner vessel.”

3. Spouse. The most important person in your life is your spouse. Not your boss, mother, father, or any other. If you treat your spouse as being important, and your marriage as sacrosanct, many problems will fall away without even being noticed.

4. Church/Volunteering. Rendering service is important and good. It builds character and perspective. Notice that I put duty to a higher power above duty to your church. They’re often separate.

5. Career. Far too many men obsess about their careers. They see it as what defines them. Many men do it without realizing they are obsessing. If your career is getting in the way of your spirit, your health, or your relationship, then something is wrong. I truly believe that placing your higher power, your self, and your spouse above your career is a true key to happiness.

6. Social. Friends, football games, and backyard barbecues are wonderful, enriching, and fun. They can also be very time consuming. A husband should not let any of these things interfere with his relationship with his higher power or with his spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and really enjoy spending time with them, but I know where my first priorities belong.

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Put your marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, some things are just sacred. Marriage is very near the top of the list of sacred things. Society is built on successful families and successful families are built on a bedrock foundation of trust, love and fidelity. If every man in the world would treat his marriage like it was the most important thing in the world, above his career, friends, and hobbies, then so much of society’s problems would be solved.

2. Be Her Sounding Board

Listen to what your wife has to say. Sometimes she needs to talk to someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs you to fix it. This has always been a difficult thing for me to do. Sometimes instead of having a problem fixed, women just want someone to listen to them so they can talk it out and work it out in their own minds and hearts. She might ask for suggestions or thoughts, but sometimes what she really wants is just a sounding board.

3. Show Respect and Withhold Judgement

Most likely (HOPEFULLY!) you respected your wife’s intelligence and capabilities when you married her. You should continue to do that. Women want to feel respected and cherished. They want to feel safe. If your wife makes a suggestion that you disagree with or find unreasonable, try asking her what she means, and do it in as kind a tone as possible. You might find that behind her unreasonable suggestion is a little nugget of wisdom that you did not recognize.

4. Know When to Make it About You

Every marriage should be built on the premise of making it about your spouse first. There are times, however, when an individual’s needs must be met before they can be capable of helping others. If you are really upset about something, don’t just bury it under manly silence. Tell her about it and ask for her help. Most wives will be more than glad to listen and care about you. You are not less of a man if you need help with a problem every once in a while, or if you just need to blow off a little steam. Indeed, I would say that most wives appreciate it a great deal when their husbands really open up to them about what’s troubling them.

5. Word Hard and Work Smart

Women are attracted to men who are able providers, protectors, and nurturers. They want a man who can and will be an able partner in life. It is fulfilling for a man to work hard and succeed at whatever he does. if the job requires more time than originally estimated, if it’s more strenuous than originally thought, a Good Husband will gird up his loins and redouble his efforts. Of course, working long and difficult hours when you don’t have to is less than effective. Think about what you’re doing and whether it’s actually worth it. Is there a better way to get it done? Can it be more efficient? Good Husbands use their intellect as well as their brawn.

6. Be A Leader

Do you have something you believe in? Do you hold to your convictions no matter what? If so, these are admirable traits in a man. I’m not talking about being obstinate or obtuse, I mean standing up for what’s right and convincing others to do the same. There is a whole industry built around learning how to lead, but let me just say this: if more men would take the time to help those who need a little direction, the world would be a better place.

7. Be Affectionate

Admit it. You like cuddling just a little bit. No? Fake it. Women need to feel loved and cared about. Give her a little pat when you walk by, compliment her when she’s doing some task, give her a kiss before you walk out the door. If you don’t know what kind of affection makes your wife happy, then I suggest you read The Five Love Languages. That book will show you how to find out what each of you needs in a relationship to communicate love and affection.

8. Care About Her Well Being

Not all of you will have to live with a spouse who is chronically ill, but you will have to deal with illness, injury, and emotional distress. You should care about how your wife is feeling. She is delicate and sensitive. She needs to be cared for and it is your responsibility to do so. In addition to general health concerns, women feel better when they are allowed to be beautiful. Pamper her. I remember when I first got married and found out how much makeup and hair products cost. I almost went through the roof, but then I realized that it makes my wife happy, which in turn makes me happy.

9. Be Generous and Fair

I take care of the family finances in our household and I always make sure that my wife has some money. Whoever takes care of the money in your house, make sure that your wife is cared for and not deprived. Buy her treats and presents. Be liberal with your household budget and trust that she will be careful with the hard earned money. It’s amazing what a woman can do with a home when she is allowed free reign with decorating and arranging.

10. Think Like a Team

However you have worked out your roles within the household, whether one works and one stays home with the kids, or both work, you are a team working towards a common goal. Do you have goals? My wife and I sit down each Sunday afternoon and have family counsel. We talk about our plans for the week, how we can help each other, any business that needs to be discussed, and then we share at least 3 three things we like about each other. It usually takes about 30 minutes but it’s an integral part of our marriage.

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