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Teenage sexual activity is down from 53% in 1991 to just under 47% in 2005, and teenage pregnancy has decreased from 117 in 1000 to 72 in 1000 in the same time frame. National efforts to raise awareness about the problem of teenage pregnancy seems to be effective.

With all that said, fathers are still the best line of defense for stopping their daughters from having sex, getting into abusive relationships, and from getting pregnant once they are sexually active. The following chart from a 2007 survey by the National Project for the Prevention of Teenage and Unplanned pregnancy shows that while many parents think that media and their kids’ friends sway their teenagers’ attitudes about sex, the teenagers themselves say that their parents are much more likely to be a stronger guide in their choices and attitudes regarding sex.

The question that was asked was, “When it comes to your/teens’ decisions about sex, who is most influential? Is it…?” You can click on the image to enlarge it.

Fathers can help their daughters avoid teenage pregnancy in the following ways:

Have the talk. You know, that one. Have it early, have it often. I know many of you fathers go into a murderous rage or melt into a incoherent puddle when you think about some boy touching your daughter, but the fact is that your daughter needs to understand that she can talk about this with you, and that she can ask questions if she wants. Don’t allow your daughter to find out how sex works by overhearing other girls’ conversations in aerobics class. By the way, the survey cited above

Encourage teenagers to seek out positive entertainment and entertainers. The super popular Jonas Brothers have all taken vows of chastity until marriage, as has American Idol and current radio darling Jordin Sparks. Virginity is becoming as retro and cool as bell bottom jeans, tube socks, and plaid sweaters.

Be open and available to talk to your daughter. Teenagers don’t talk when you want to listen, and they don’t listen when you want to talk. They do it on their own time. Anyone with a teenager can tell you that. You have to be open to the signals. If your child wants to talk, you might only have a small window to instill a little bit of parental wisdom.

Treat your wife with respect and dignity. In case after case, girls marry men who remind them of their fathers, and children pattern their marriages after the ones that they saw growing up. If your daughter sees you treating your wife with respect, she will expect the same thing in her own relationships.

Take your daughter on a Daddy Daughter Date. One daughter shared a story about how when she was 14 years old, her father invited her on a date for the following Friday. He showed up at the front door at the time of their appointed date in a suit, with a flower for her. He escorted her to her car, opened her door, and drove her to a nice dinner at a local restaurant. The entire night, he treated her as he wanted a young man to treat her on a date. He pulled out her chair, stood when she got up from the table, and gave her his full attention (no Blackberry, no texting). Towards the end of the evening, he gave his daughter a special gift. He gave her a ring that he told her represented her chastity. He told her that he trusted her and that he only asked that when she lost her virginity she return the ring to him. The daughter held onto the ring until after her wedding and then gave it to her father, letting him know that she had stayed chaste until her wedding night.

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Michael Kimmel is a professor of gender studies, specializing in men’s issues.  His new book, Guyland, explores the emergence of a new developmental stage in men’s lives.

Cory: Tell me about your work and how you decided to write Guyland.

MK: I started writing Guyland because there was something going in this new developmental stage between adolescence.  People are getting married 6 or 7 years later than they were 50 years ago.  So, what are people doing in that time?

I began to talk to my students.  They seemed to be drifting.  They seemed to be delaying the ability to have a plan for their lives, to know what they were going to be like.  How they were planning to be the husbands and fathers they were trying to be.  I wrote this book to try to explain this world they live in, why Guyland has emerged…and how to navigate this world and be the kind of adult that [they] say [they] want to be.

Cory:  So you’re saying you’re hoping to create a dialogue among guys about how to use this time to prepare?

MK: Right, how to navigate this developmental stage more consciously and more ethically.

Cory: You’re not advocating getting rid of this developmental stage or going back to a time when people got married earlier?

MK: Absolutely not.  This developmental stage is here to stay.  Many guys that I talked to are saying things like, “What’s the rush?  Why do I have to commit to a relationship and then be married to someone for 70 years?  Give me a break!”  Other guys are saying, “That world where you retire at age 65 and you get a gold watch, that world is gone.  Corporations aren’t nearly so loyal.”  What happens is that guys are taking more time to commit to careers, more time to commit to relationships.  I don’t put any value judgement on that.  What I think is that’s the world we live in, so are we going to make that a time of drift, or are we going to make it a time when people engage ethically in these issues at this time in their lives?

Cory: So, what led you to be interested in this subject in the first place?

MK: Observing college kids.  Having a 9 year old son, watching him at the very beginning start to think about what masculinity means, what it means to be a guy, what guys are like and the differences between guys and girls.  Most of my scholarship has been on the evolving and changing definitions of masculinity in America, in response, in part to the changes in women’s lives.  And I think that the most important component to this.  In the past 30 - 40 years women’s lives have changed so dramatically that it has left a lot of men confused about their own world.  If women are our equals on the athletic field, in the corporate boardroom, in the operating room in the hospital, what’s distinctive, what is there that makes us feel like men?

Cory: You’re saying that because of women’s rights coming to the forefront, men are becoming confused about their own role in society?

MK: I think some are confused.  I think some have become angry, defensive.  I think there is an edge to a lot of Guyland.  I get a lot of, where can a guy go to just be a jerk? We can’t say disgusting things about girls anymore.  Y’know, where can a guy go to just be a guy?  To just be alone with other guys and just be as jerky as he wants to be?  They feel like there’s no place any longer that’s just for them.

Cory: Would you say that guys in Guyland are happy?

MK:  I wouldn’t.   They spend a lot of time being drunk and sloppy and proclaiming how happy they are.  If guys are truly honest about it, they are not thrilled about all the sorts of things that go on and that they have to participate in - all the drunken revels, the binging, the hazing, the hooking up.  I mean, it leaves you feeling kind’ve empty the next morning.  How does a guy get a map to leave this place of being so excitedly entertained all the time with every new video game, CD, movie, all the entertainment that is constantly swirling around?  How do you navigate your world, your way through this place, and that’s why I wrote the book.

Cory: If you could sum up how a guy gets a map out of Guyland, what would say that is?

MK: Most guys drift out.  Five or six guys from the same fraternity will rent a house.  Eventually around 27 or 28 they will start to drift away.  One guy will get a job where he has to get up at 7:00 in the morning, so he can’t go out binge drinking every night.  Another guy will get serious with his girlfriend, they’ll move in together.  Another guy will say he’s going to go back to law school so he has to study real hard.  Gradually they drift away.  Most guys eventually get through this, but they don’t get through it unscarred and they don’t really develop a good life plan for their careers or for being the good fathers we want them to be.

They want to be good fathers, by the way.

The second part is, they do it with some help.  They need the support network.  One of the things I talk about in this book is how to develop the really good male friend.  Finding one other guy with whom you can share your feelings without the sort of mask and bravado that you always have to have out in public.  Remembering your parents, keeping them involved in your lives.  Remembering to maintain those relationships.

The final thing, and I think this is really important, is to listen to their own hearts.  In the name of masculinity, we guys are often asked to go along with really stupid stuff.  Guys who are making cat calls on the street and we are sort of shuffling off, hoping she doesn’t see you, all the kind of stupid stuff that we are asked to put up with all the time.  You know you don’t’ feel very comfortable with it, you laughed when I said it.

The other night I was reading the very first Harry Potter book to my 9 year old son and at the very end of that book Professor Dumbledore says it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies.  It takes even more to stand up to your friends.  That’s what I think guys need to do as well, and they need to look inside themselves at their own sense of right and wrong and stop being bystanders because it’s just easier because they’ll pick on you instead, and do the right thing.

Cory: Who inspired you to go into this kind of work and research?

MK: Feminist women.  That’s the easiest answer.  I started my graduate work doing 17^th century French history and I got turned around to thinking about male/female relationship.  At the time in graduate school feminism was exploding all around me.  Women in my life kept saying you’ve got to write about this, think about this in your own life.  I changed the course of my life and eventually taught the very first course in the state of New Jersey on men and masculinity.  I’ve started, with other people, a sub-field of gender studies on masculinity, and that’s been the subject I’ve become an expert on the past 20 years or so.

Cory: I took a gender studies course in college.  One professor talked about male issues and it was really interesting.

MK: Was that professor male or female?

Cory: Female

MK: Most of the people who are interested in gender are women.

Cory: Most sociologists who study gender are women?

MK: Most people who think about gender are women.  Most people who think about race are black people.  White people don’t spend a whole lot of time, unless they’re white supremacists, thinking about how white they are.

Cory: So a lot of the guys who are wrapped up in this lifestyle aren’t thinking about it.

MK:  Right.  There’s a lot of confusion, a lot of reluctant bystanding, because they feel like they don’t have a choice.  My students to a man tell me they want to be good fathers.  They don’t have a clue.  They’ve done no preparation, no practice.  They’ve never diapered a baby, they’ve no idea how to cook, clean, anything that you’ll have to do if you’re a parent.  You know, for them, being a father is like this mystical state of being.  Suddenly when the baby emerges they think they will know all the things they need to know and of course they won’t.  So one of the things I’m interested in is helping them develop those skills.

Cory: How would you go about trying to get your students interested in seeking out information [on being] good husbands and fathers, like you’re talking about.  Why don’t they seek out the information?

MK: Most guys are not egalitarian parents because their wives do it.  They don’t do it because they don’t have to, no one forces them to do it.  My wife wanted me to clean a lot more than I normally do so I tried cleaning up the living room, I vacuumed, and she came in and said, “this is a mess.”  Then she re-did it for me.  I can’t do it right, she’s always going to re-do it for me, so I stopped.  So, I say to these guys, if you were working at your job and your boss came in and said this is all wrong, would you stop?  Would you say, “That’s okay, I can learn to do it better?”  Why is it that when it comes to house work, guys just “stop?”  Why not say, “I can learn to do it better?  Show me what to do.”  I think that a lot of guys don’t have a plan for this and don’t know they need one.  In my experience, obviously there are a ton of mommy bloggers out there, obviously they have a lot of free time, talking about being a good enough mother.  A lot of working mothers feel guilty that they’re not being the kind of mother that they want to be, that they’re not baking home-made chocolate chip cookies from scratch every day.  The reason they’re feeling so guilty is that so often they are comparing themselves to their own mothers who did do that sort of stuff.  They’re comparing themselves to their mothers and they don’t match up because they have careers.

The thing about dads though, is that instead of feeling guilty, we compare ourselves to our own fathers and we feel pretty damn self-congratulatory.  If we do one dish, fix one meal, make the bed once, do the laundry once, we’re doing light years better than our fathers did.  We’re out there patting ourselves on the back, so we don’t need to read a blog about it.

Cory: Anything else you would tell me [and our audience]?

MK: There are two things I would say to your audience.  I speak to your audience as young men thinking about being husbands and fathers, but a lot of the men you connect with are probably also themselves the fathers of young men.  It is essential that both mothers and fathers stay involved in their sons lives.  We have this model of helicopter parenting early in their lives, we micromanage them and completely over-schedule them, and they go off to college and we go, “Okay, bye, see you later.”  Then they go off into this vacuum where there’s no adult supervision at all.  I think both parts are wrong.  At a young age parents need to back off a little bit, and we also have to stay connected to our sons when they do leave home and go to college.  Instead of being helicopter parents, I call it being power strip parents.  You help your kids stay connected, you provide grounding for them, and if it gets to overload you run interference.

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Pornography is sometimes viewed as “normal” or an “art form.” A person might say, “What’s wrong with it?…I am not hurting anybody….everybody does it.” Those who promote, want to use, or can’t stop using porn, often have this perspective.

Here are some of the harmful consequences:

1. Porn often leads to more harmful sexually addictive behavior; e.g., compulsive masturbation, fantasy, promiscuity, exhibitionism, soliciting prostitutes, pedophilia, and rape. The user tends to gravitate toward the type of porn most being observed.

2. Porn by its very nature isolates an individual-making him more intent on satisfying selfish needs even at the expense of his marriage, family, financial stability, and career.

3. Porn stimulates a very powerful sexual desire followed by sexual release, most often through masturbation. Unfortunately, the release provides only momentary satisfaction, then an escalation of the behavior is required in an attempt to maintain a high level of sexual arousal.

4. Porn has the ability to control the user where he cannot stop. The fantasies occur more frequently as the addiction progresses.

Of the two pleasure centers in the brain, one is high impact, thrilling pleasure stimulated by pornography, erotic fantasies, or new sexual encounters. The other is a steady, less intense pleasure realized by walking on a beach, making love with a long term partner, helping a child with homework, experiencing deep feelings (painful or pleasant) and sharing them in a significant relationship.

A man doesn’t have to act out in dramatic ways to create harm in his life. Satisfaction can be achieved in small ways and still be detrimental. A beginner gets tastes of the high impact pleasure and slowly starts to integrate fantasies, images, and desires into everyday thoughts and behaviors. Even if he does not graduate to more involvement, this infiltration will still have a negative impact.

Supermodel Christy Brinkley’s family was destroyed by pornography. She and her husband, Peter Cook, had viewed porn together and considered it harmless. Then she discovered he had been masturbating via a web cam over the internet and had an affair with his 18 year old secretary whom he had groomed for sex since she was 15. She then pursued a public divorce trial to openly display his shameful behavior. In the settlement she was awarded full custody of the children. These severe consequences are just one example of what can happen to people.

People who stimulate the high impact pleasure center too often rarely get enough satisfaction. Porn can generate this type of pleasure with little effort. Once a man is hooked, he will have an extremely difficult time transitioning to healthy, more stable pleasure.

In my psychotherapy practice, couples enter therapy where the man has been caught using porn or acting out sexually. His wife is shocked, dismayed, and extremely angry about the betrayal. More often than not, they both believe it is about willpower and if he could only stay away from the computer, the prostitutes, or the porn, everything would be okay. They fail to realize that the sexual behavior is the symptom not the problem.

This is not like a substance addiction where a user can avoid a drink, a pusher or a drug. This compulsive behavior is lethal, since a man cannot simply avoid erotic thoughts. Especially in our culture, provocative images are everywhere. The underlying problem is that he is addicted to high intensity pleasure and does not know how to experience pleasure from everyday, ordinary life situations; such as, spending quality time with his family or having intimate talks and sharing with his wife. Frequently, neither partner knows how to enjoy these simple pleasures, therefore, it is not just the man who needs therapy. The marriage needs an overhaul where both have to address emotional issues.

I inform the couple, “this unfortunate, painful event can be used to open your eyes and turn your marriage around…you can end up with a wonderful marriage, one you never knew was possible. Yes, your husband betrayed you and he is responsible to repair the damage done to you…and his behavior is indicative of a person who is unhappy, bored, anxious, even depressed in his marriage. He did not know what to do to address his unhappiness. If he is so unhappy that he is willing to endanger his marriage, then more than likely you also are in an unsatisfying marriage….at some point you both will look back on this and the porn will no longer be an issue…in fact you will even be grateful that he got caught.”

The couple needs to learn to replace the depression, loneliness, anxiety and the high intensity pleasure with the everyday pleasures of delight and wonder for their marriage and their family life.

With the clinical evidence rapidly mounting against pornography use, the question remains: how can couples explore intimacy and their sexuality with suffering the negative effects of pornography?

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All of us want to become better fathers, and there is a lot to learn from great leaders of the past.

Here are 19 Things Dads Can Learn from Past Presidents:

1. Nobody is perfect. As John Adams said, “No man is entirely free from weakness and imperfection in this life.”

2. Values are a necessity in life. As Jimmy Carter said, “Our American values are not luxuries, but necessities— not the salt in our bread, but the bread itself.”

3. Punishment fits the crime. As Grover Cleveland said, “No man has ever yet been hanged for breaking the spirit of a law.”

4. Keep moving forward. As Bill Clinton said, “Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.”

5. You get what you pay for in life. As Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “There is no victory at bargain basement prices.”

6. Play fair and by the rules. As Millard Fillmore said, “An honorable defeat is better than a dishonorable victory.”

7. Life is not rocket science - don’t make things harder than they need to be. As Gerald Ford said, “Tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time.”

8. Act on ideas and try new things. As James Garfield said, “Ideas control the world.”

9. Treat others with fairness, respect and dignity. As Benjamin Harrison said, “I pity the man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth will starve in the process.”

10. No one likes a show off. As Herbert Hoover said, “All men are equal before fish.”

11. Be careful what you say. As Thomas Jefferson said, “When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.”

12. Admit when you don’t know the answer or what to do. As Lyndon Johnson said, “You know, doing what is right is easy. The problem is knowing what is right.”

13. Embrace change. As John F. Kennedy said, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

14. We all have something in common. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.”

15. Make the best of every situation. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

16. Take responsibility for your own actions. As Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”

17. Do a job right. As Martin Van Buren said, “It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn’t.”

18. Choose your friends wisely. As George Washington said, “Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

19. All of us are smarter than one of us. As Woodrow Wilson said, “I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.”

No matter what your political persuasion, there are many things Dads can learn from past Presidents of the United States. In addition to these useful insights, it is important for all parents to talk about the upcoming national election in the U.S. on November 4th. One of the smartest things any dad can do is teach his kids the importance of voting.

What is your favorite quote, maxim or lesson learned from a past U.S. President?

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Ladies, this one is for you.  When your dear, sweet husband is getting on your nerves because he is so tense, or he’s getting all up in your business and you need some time alone, you might try one of these brilliant moves.

Guys, this one is for you.  Do yourselves a favor, and email this article to your wives.  Heck, print it off and give it to her if you have to.

Sex.  Most wives have experienced the post sex snore.  Besides the fact that sex often occurs at night when it’s easy to fall asleep, sex is a lot of physical work, and during orgasm, men’s brains release a chemical known as prolactin, which is present in people’s brains in high amounts during sleep.  As a side note, four times as much prolactin is released during intercourse as there is during masturbation.  In other words, wives, we really do need your help on this one.

Video Games. Racing games, puzzles, RPG’s, first person shooters - don’t understand any of that terminology?  That’s okay.  Odds are, your husband does.  About 80% of video game players are men ages 18 - 35.  Obviously video games are not just the realm of little boys any more.  Guys use the gaming time as a way to forget responsibilities and pressures that are weighing them down.  If you don’t like to play games with him, sit him down in front of the TV or pack him into the car and send him to a friend’s house and tell him not to come back until he’s achieved at least level 25 on Xbox Live’s Halo 3.

Sports.  We all need exercise in order to release muscle tension, but some guys need more physical activity to relax.  A weekly basketball game, a flag football pickup game, racquetball, tennis…heck, ping pong might even do the trick.  Guys brains get engaged when they play sports and after a couple hours of physical exertion, there’s all those endorphins flowing and it’s a lot easier to sit down and listen to you talk.  Get him a gym membership and drop him off on your way to the spa.

Manual Labor. Does your husband have a mini wood-working shop in the garage?  Does he like to garden?  Does he like to build things with his hands?  If he’s getting cranky you might be able to kill two birds with one stone: tell him to go to Lowe’s, pick up some lumber, and build that impenetrable fortress for the chickens that you haven’t yet told him you’re going to raise.

Watching TV/Movies. An hour or two of watching his favorite crime drama or sporting event can put your man in a better mood.  Tell him to stop picking at the food on the stove and go relax in front of the TV.  He might even be grateful.

Fishing.  Don’t ask me why, but for some reason many guys associate fishing with relaxation.  While I may not understand it, there’s something to be said for being in a quiet place in the woods next to a lake.  Of course, if you catch something, that’s not really very relaxing.  Perhaps it has something to do with all of the beer that my stepdad drank while he was out “fishing.”

Food.  As the saying goes, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  Besides tryptophan-laced turkey, there are lots of other foods that can induce a relaxed state of being.  Do you know your husband’s favorite recipes?  Do you make them?  Secret trick: find out what foods your mother-in-law used to make for your husband as a little boy and make those on occasion - your husband will adore you.  Just remember to make it the way mom made it.

Pulling us away from work. Some of us really like to work.  Even when we say that we’re going to not work, we think about work.  It’s probably even part of one of the qualities you like in your husband.  Sometimes even the work we like stresses us out though.  Pull your man away from the computer, make him stand up from the desk, take away his Crackberry, and push him into one of the other activities above.

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Sex. Married couples have sex more often, and report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, according to the National Marriage Project.  This applies even as couples get older, into their mid-40’s and early 50’s.  This is a result of a number of factors including an evolving sense of trust, the absence of guilt for religious couples, security in the relationship, security in physical needs being met, a deeper understanding of what partners like and, well, proximity.

Health.  All jokes about grey hair and stress aside, men who are married live an average of 10 years longer than those who are not married.  Not only that, but their quality of life and health goes up as well.  Sociologist Linda Waite’s research shows that men who are married engage in fewer risky behaviors, like drinking or dangerous hobbies and careers.  Married men also eat more healthily and see the doctor more often.

Higher rate of happiness. Michael Kimmel, a sociologist at State University of New York, recently wrote a book illustrating this point.  Even though so many men are choosing to marry later and later in life, often in their mid-30’s or early 40’s, these men are unhappy.  Dr. Kimmel’s work across the last three decades has shown that men are higher achieving when they are married.  It’s easy to be healthy when you’re healthy, have a high income, and experience a high degree of sexual satisfaction.

Tax & Financial benefits. A single residence, shared health insurance and other benefits, insurance breaks, and automatic inheritance rights give married couples big legal advantages when it comes to money.  In addition, according to 2006 tax data, middle class married couples save an average of $1300 per year on taxes (the so-called “marriage penalty” mostly applies to those with very high or very low incomes).  Finally, married couples tend to have higher incomes than single couples.  Marriage increases incomes by about $1800 for each year of marriage.

Love.  There’s something to be said for tradition.  Standing in front of witnesses and publicly declaring your formal commitment to your new bride says a lot about what kind of man you are and how you view your relationship with your partner.  If you really love your partner, marriage is one very powerful way of showing her that your commitment is for real, and invites her to do the same.

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As I drove up to where the ceremony was to be held, I saw several flashing lights and a plume of smoke.  No, this was not a reenactment of the events that happened on September 11, 2001.  This was an actual house fire two blocks away from city center.  All of the fire and rescue service volunteers who were planning to attend the Remembrance Ceremony were instead fighting to save the lives and property of one of our neighbors.

Two of the volunteers ushered me and the other cars through, and while I was greatly concerned for the family and their home I had a sense of pride to live in a community where an all-volunteer fire company still exists.  These brave men and women, along with the volunteer ambulance company and paid police officers, risk their lives to protect and serve our community, and they deserve our gratitude.

It was a prescient and vivid reminder of one of the reasons why I was attending the event this evening - to honor those who have, and would, willingly put their own lives on the line to save another.  More than 400 emergency workers died while serving others in the line of duty on September 11, 2001.

I pulled into the parking lot of City Hall and walked across the street to the park where the service was being held.  The sound of bagpipes filled the air, and members of the local American Legion were in attendance to perform colors.  A large tent was set-up with dozens of metal folding chairs lined in perfect rows.  There were enough seats to accommodate at least a hundred people.

Sadly, only about 40 people attended, including the guest speakers and members of local government.  During the opening prayer, I couldn’t help but wonder if we are too quick to forget the tragedies and bravery of 9/11.

What should we remember about September 11, 2001?

2975 people died (excluding the 19 hijackers)

Approximately 13,500 people escaped the World Trade Center buildings alive

Citizens of 115 nations died from the attacks

24 people are still listed as missing

Approximately 1600 spouses lost their husband/wife

The ratio of men to women who died is 3:1

The number of children who lost a parent is 3051

About 200 people jumped from the World Trade Center towers to their deaths

The center of American military leadership and might was attacked

A group of heroic passengers thwarted the efforts of hijackers and lost their lives in a field near Shanksville, PA

There were no survivors on any of the four planes hijacked and crashed

The world stock markets experienced an accumulated loss of more than $1.5 trillion

or,

The price of freedom in America has gone up billions of dollars and cost thousands of lives

9/11 Memorial at Arlington Cemetery

As I sat and listened to the guest speakers address the small audience of people in attendance, I wondered if the other 6000+ people in my town had forgotten what day it was, or had they simply moved on from the events of September 11, 2001?

Is it time for us as Americans, or those from any nation that experienced a loss on that fateful day, to stop the ceremonies, make peace with our past and forgive?  I thought about the wives, husbands, daughters and sons of all the victims - how did they spend this day?  What would they say or think about all the empty chairs under the tent at the ceremony this evening?  Would they understand?  Should they understand?

Time marches on, and it has now been seven years since the Towers fell, the Pentagon burned and the ashes of heroes scattered across the field in rural Pennsylvania.  The world has changed greatly in the last seven years, but a few things remain the same - there are thousands of families who will never forget the tragic losses of 9/11, and thankfully, there are thousands of volunteer fire/rescue members and police officers who would give their lives like their fallen brethren to save and protect us and our liberties.

The Remembrance Ceremony ended to the sound of Amazing Grace on the bagpipes followed by Taps on the bugle.  I said a prayer for the families of those who lost loved ones on 9/11; I said a prayer for those men and women fighting the fire two blocks away from us; and, I said a prayer for our nation to remember that our freedoms are not free.

Have we all really forgotten what happened on September 11, 2001?  I remember.  Do you?

Crash Site Memorial near Shanksville, PA

Twin Towers burning in front of Lady Liberty

Reference Articles:

9/11 by the Numbers

September 11 Attacks

The 9-11 Commission Final Report

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In the United States since 2000, between 7% and 25% of all couples are cohabiting in any given year.  About 50 percent of all people between the ages of 22 and 44 have cohabited at some point in their lives, compared to almost none one hundred years ago.  Not only do those who are married live longer, happier, healthier lives, but children of those in cohabiting relationships are in danger.

Cohabiting couples put their children at risk in the following ways:

- According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, since cohabiting couples are more likely to break up than married couples, children are five times more likely to experience the breakup of their parents.

- Children are 50 times more likely to be abused when they are not living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to U.S. Census data.

- Even factoring in socioeconomic and mental health differences, cohabiting couples’ children twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric disorders, diseases, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

- Children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of poverty and low socioeconomic status.

- Children are more likely to have difficulties forming healthy relationships.

This list is a stunning condemnation of the effects of cohabitation on children.  In no published research is there any evidence that cohabitation is beneficial to the health and well being of children.

What does this mean for us, as men?

It may seem a little obvious, but the science shows that marriage, religious or not, is important and that it works.  Arguments fostering the idea that cohabitation is a good replacement for marriage hold little weight.

Pick partners carefully. Serial cohabitation is becoming somewhat commonplace.  Get to know your partner a little bit better before moving in together.

If after dating a while cohabitation still seems like a good idea, examine your relationship a little bit closer and ask yourself if you’re moving in together because you love each other and want to be together forever, or  because it seems like the easiest thing to do?

If it’s the easiest thing to do then perhaps you should consider some of the long term effects of cohabiting.  Studies show you’ll be more likely to split up, show a lower sexual satisfaction, lower overall happiness, and more likely to divorce if you do marry.

If a woman has children, are you okay with being in the company of children?  Do you see them as an obstacle to your relationship with her?  If so, then this relationship is not for you.

There’s no doubt that cohabitation has become a commonplace arrangement in our society.  With most of the evidence against cohabiting, where will the country be when cohabiting replaces marriage as the norm?

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Why is it more stressful for dads? Because we like to fix things…immediately; however, turning off a baby’s tears is not as simple as fixing a leaky faucet.  And, unfortunately, there are times when nothing you do works to calm an upset child.  Not to fear, though, there are some simple techniques that dads can use that will work the majority of the time.

Here are a few Tips for Soothing a Crying Baby:

1.  Eliminate the easy reasons why your child might be upset, like hunger or dirty diaper.  Most of the time, if your baby is crying, it’s because he or she wants something.  Check the child’s diaper and change it if necessary.  If you’re baby is working on a poop, then it may take a while to calm her, especially since some babies might not poop every day and build-up gas “poop-losions.”  After you try the diaper, warm-up a bottle and offer it to the baby.

2.  The five “S”s from The Happiest Baby on the Block.  If you haven’t seen the Happiest Baby DVD, it is worth every penny when it comes to soothing your child.  Basically, it covers the art of swaddling, side/stomach (positioning), shhhushing, swinging and sucking.  All of these 5 things can be used together or separately to help calm your child.  Personally, I have found that swaddling, shhhushing and swaying with my kids almost always works, if they are tired or overstimulated.

3.  Stand up, sway and sing or hum.  Babies like to be held, and you shouldn’t worry about spoiling them.  Many times just being close to you makes them feel better.  If holding them alone doesn’t work, then stand up and hold the baby with her head close to your neck.  Sway back and forth and sing or hum softly.  The combination of the closeness, motion and sound will likely put your baby to sleep, and this technique has earned many a dad the title of “sleepinator.”

4.  Make sure he isn’t too warm or cold.  Babies are very sensitive to temperature, and it’s not always good to have your child wrapped in multiple layers of clothes and blankets.  A good rule of thumb is to give your baby one extra layer than you are comfortable with in the room.  Also, if you’re outside with the child, it is important to protech him from the sun, but it may be hard to do that for very long without making him too hot.  Plan for shorter periods outside during warm or cold months, and if your child gets upset, trying going into a more controlled environment.

5.  Walk, dance, stroll or drive.  Find the type of motion that your baby likes, but only use it as a last resort.  Why?  Do you really want to have to walk around the block or drive around the neighborhood every time your baby cries?  Save this technique as your ace in the hole or last resort.

6.  Smile, make funny faces, talk to her.  Attitude is contagious, even among babies.  Your child can tell whether you’re happy, sad or stressed.  Take a deep breath, smile and make bright eyes at her - I guarantee that when she smiles back at you it will make everything “all better” for both of you.

7.  Pacify.  This is my least favorite technique, but sometimes it’s the only one that works.  Ever hear the expression, “like taking candy from a baby?” Well, this technique is like giving candy to a baby.  Pacifiers may get your child to stop crying in the moment, but it will be a battle later to get her to stop using it if a habit is developed.  Some babies find their thumbs or fingers quickly, and this may be slightly better if only because the child learns to soothe himself.  I’ve seen some dads stick their own fingers in a baby’s mouth to calm him, which to me is totally disgusting - do you know how dirty our hands are? You may need to resort to pacification, but I wouldn’t recommend relying on it as a primary means of soothing your child.

Here are some additional resources you may find useful:

Seven Reasons Babies Cry and How to Soothe Them
10 Dad Tested Ways to Soothe a Crying Baby
21 Ways to Soothe Your Crying Baby

These techniques have worked well with my kids, but I’m definitely interested in learning what has worked for you?  Moms often have the luxury of soothing through breast feeding, which is also a great way for bonding; however, dads obviously need to find different ways to calm baby.

What are some ways that you’ve found work to calm a crying baby?

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Many people today are seeing cohabitation as an acceptable alternative to marriage, but is it? Since 1970 the number of heterosexual couples living together outside of marriage has increased over 1000 percent, according to the Rutgers National Marriage Project (NMP).

From a NMP study:

“Yet cohabitation in place of marriage should be considered a major societal concern. For one thing, marriage typically brings with it, according to an abundance of research, many benefits for those involved. Married people tend to be happier, healthier, wealthier, and they live longer. The available empirical evidence suggests that these benefits of marriage diminish considerably if the marital bond is replaced by non-marital cohabitation. Moreover, the evidence is now clear that people who marry after cohabiting (assuming that they are not already engaged or committed to each other when they first cohabit) tend to have a higher chance of breakup.”

Cohabitation has started a gradual decline in the attitude toward marriage. 44 percent of Europeans and 17 percent of Americans have agreed with the statement that living together in a long term relationship is just as good as marriage. This is the sort of attitude that lays the foundation for negative attitudes toward marriage. If marriage is not seen as more special or important than another form of commitment, then will not be treated as such.

Studies have shown that 11 percent more women who are in cohabiting relationships report physical abuse than those women who are in married relationships. Moreover, couples who cohabit experience more infidelity and are less likely to receive financial assistance from family.

Education also plays a huge part in cohabitation. The more educated someone is, the less likely they are cohabit. This brings an interesting idea to the forefront, since many people believe marriage to be a religious issue. Most people who are highly educated tend to be less active in their religion. Lower levels of education also point toward lower levels of income, so cohabiting couples are also likely to have lower incomes.

The negative effects of cohabitation do tend to break down among cohabiting couples who intend to marry. Many, but not all couples who cohabit with the intent to marry, exhibit relational behaviors similar to married couples.

So, the question then, is why cohabit? If you do not intend to marry the person that you are with, why are you living with them?

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One such person is Dana Glazer, Director of the documentary film project The Evolution of Dad. Dana is making a film about the changing role of fathers in American society. I had a chance to talk with Dana about the film, where it’s currently at in production and what he’s gleaned from the project thus far.

How did The Evolution of Dad film originate?

I was seeking a documentary subject to focus on and an old NYU classmate suggested I make a film about At-Home Dads. However, after doing some research, it dawned on me that there has never been a documentary that explores the larger role of fatherhood and that the film should be more inclusive of all types of dads.

How far along in the project are you?

I’m still shooting and will continue to be shooting for some time. There’s a lot to cover.

What are your objectives in creating the film?

To inspire dads to get more involved with their kids. To educate people about how de-emphasized the role of fatherhood is in our culture.

How many interviews have you done? Which ones surprised you the most?

I’ve done several dozen already. What is always a great surprise is when listening to a subject I become completely immersed in what they are saying to the extent that I lose any sense of time. This has happened a few times and is always a great joy. It’s also a thrill when dads are willing to open up on a very deep, emotional level - something I know will be very cathartic for viewers watching when the film is done. An example is Ralph Benitez, a Bronx dad I’m currently following. To see what I mean, you can check out a clip here.

How has making the film impacted you as a Dad?

Well, first off it makes me appreciate being a dad more. It inspires me to try and be a better dad and live up to some of the subjects I’m covering. It’s also a challenge sometimes of trying to balance taking care of the kids and making the film.

Based on your experience, are dads “evolving”? How are things different now compared to 20 or 30 years ago?

Yes, there’s definitely some ‘evolution’ going on, but, honestly, I think too many dads of today are still a throwback to that 50’s idea of what a dad should be and don’t step out of the box when it comes to rethinking family/work balance. I believe thirty years from now they’re going to be looking at us present dads like we were cavemen.

What do you want people to learn from this film?

To question their situations when it comes to work/family balance and strive to find more creative ways of creating a balance. I hope it changes mindsets about how possible (or impossible) these things are.

How have you been able to finance the project?

Honestly, it’s been a struggle. I have some seed money from a generous friend, but it’s been a challenge to raise funds. Sometimes I think that the subject of fatherhood is so de-emphasized that people just fail to see how important it is and how much the world would truly change if more dads were genuinely involved in their kid’s lives.

When and how will the film be released?

TBD. Stay tuned.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Just that I really appreciate your support of my project, Jeremy, and all that you are doing to get the word out there about how important being a dad truly is. Keep it up!

Here’s the trailer for the documentary:

Dana Glazer is an award winning filmmaker and father of two young boys. He is currently making the documentary about the changing role of fatherhood, titled The Evolution of Dad. For more information please visit The Evolution of Dad.

If you would like to help support the film by making a donation, please click here.

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Ray Hernandez, Co-Founder MyBabyOurBaby

MyBabyOurBaby.com allows parents to create a fun family eBook that friends and relatives can all help to build and write.  I created an eBook for my son Ty shortly after the site launched, and I’ve enjoyed sharing photos and “firsts” with family members since then.  I had a chance to talk with co-founder Ray Hernandez last week about the background and progress of the site since it’s launch earlier this year.

What is My Baby Our Baby? MyBabyOurBaby is a couple of different things. The most important thing that MyBabyOurBaby provides is a way for parents to archive and share their photos, memories, growth charts, and “firsts” with friends and family in a completely private environment. We also provide a social scrapbooking feature. Meaning that the friends and family you invite, can also have permission (you set your own permissions for people) to add photos or stories they may have collecting dust on their cameras or hard drives. So not only are you archiving memories, but your discovering new memories of your children that your friends and family have had with them and, possibly, not shared with you.

How did the concept for the site originate? When did the site launch? Me and Beau (Lebens - the other co-founder) are both in our late 20’s. All of our friends are getting married and having kids. Well, one-by-one we were being asked to design and build a website for our friend’s kids. We just realized that more people out there would probably be interested in a service like this. So we decided to take the initiative and just launch a full blown site for everyone.  The site officially launched on February 14, 2008.  It was a nice little Valentine’s present.

Does it cost users anything to sign-up or use the site? MyBabyOurBaby is completely free. We started off as a subscription-based service, but we just felt bad. We wanted people to be able to use our site with no obligations. So we switched our service to a free model. Under the free model you are allowed to upload 20 photos a month. And every month you get a fresh new 20. If you want to upload more than that, then we do have a premium service ($39.95 a year) that gives every person connected to your child the ability to upload an unlimited amount of photos. Other than unlimited uploads every other feature is completely free.

What are some of the cool things parents can do with the site? Can they take “books” they create and turn them into hard copies? You know how grandma is always yelling “Send me photos!” Well, if you invite grandma to MyBabyOurBaby, then she will instantly receive updates the second you post anything on the site. Friends and family can also comment on any story written about the child, if they are signed up. This is great when family members live in another city, state or country.

Hardcover books, prints, dvd archives…all of these things are in the works, and they will definitely be features in the near future. If you work for a company that handles any of these features please come talk to me.

I know that the site started out as a subscription service, then changed to offer the majority of features for free. How else has the site evolved over time? Actually, all of our features are FREE. We don’t hold back any of our features and never will. The only thing we charge for is to cover our costs of large amount of uploads and archiving of everything. Other than changing to a free model, we really haven’t changed anything since the launch. We’ve just been trying to listen to our members and give them what they want.  Members can give us feedback in a forums section of the site or via e-mail.

Are you planning on adding any additional features or services in the future? What are you currently working on? I’m non-stop designing new themes/designs for you to choose from for your baby book. New features are an ever growing list that we have running. A few things we will have in the future: full hd video, importing from other photo/video sites, custom photo galleries, Facebook/MySpace apps, as well as cleaning up the design of the overall site.

You also have a blog attached to the site. How does this add value to the site/community? The blog is ever evolving. Before we launched, it was a way for people to see where were in development, but since the launch it’s become a place to share cool things I see that I hope parents might find interesting. I’m not sure where it’ll go in the future - I’m definitely open to ideas.

Any other cool things happening that you’d like to share? Well I just got married a few days ago. That’s pretty cool. So I’m a new husband and working on becoming a new dad. Hopefully soon I’ll have my own kid on MyBabyOurBaby.com.

—————————

Ray Hernandez is Co-Founder and Creative Genius of MyBabyOurBaby.com. He is a web designer by day, and a new yet amazing husband by night. He just recently left Hawaii for Austin, Texas. He encourages people who sign-up and create an eBook for their child or family to provide him with feedback via e-mail at ray@mybabyourbaby.com or on Twitter: @raydawg88.

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The Top 10 Most Underrated TV Dads

10. Dick Solomon - 3rd Rock From the Sun: The High Commander of the Solomon alien family works as a physics professor by day and expedition leader by night. Solomon is not the best father figure in the universe, in fact his selfish and arrogant antics often make him look downright foolish (how many dads do you know who save toenail clippings to avoid being cloned?), but in the end, he always stumbles upon a key life lesson for the family/crew to learn from and add to their experience on Earth. Quotable: “This is just perfect. I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much. Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don’t think so!”

9.  Hayden Fox - Coach: Hayden Fox is the typical, work-obsessed football coach of the Minnesota State University Screaming Eagles.  The only major distraction from his team was the relationship he had with his teenage daughter Kelly - his perfect “little girl” who he did not want to grow up.  When she up and married a theater mime, Fox was the perennial spoiler dad.  Eventually, he learns to let go and stop trying to protect Kelly from life and theater. He develops a love interest of his own, who could care less about his football or sports. Many divorced dads can relate to his experiences on the show, both with his daughter and dating.

8. Worf - Star Trek: The Next Generation: a galactic career man on the rise, Worf was also a widower and single dad to son Alexander. Worf was the kind of dad that taught his son the virtues of a warrior, and he often had to teach him to value of integrity and honor in dealing with others.  It wasn’t easy being a good guy from a bad race, and it was always interesting seeing him overcome the pressures of being an outsider in a leadership role.  Worf was a military dad with a big heart who always set a good example for his son to follow.

7. Philip Banks - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: a Harvard educated attorney, Philip Banks was the atypical rags to riches dad who rose from farm boy to judge.  A towering figure, he blustered his way through fatherhood with not only his own kids, but also his nephew (Will Smith) from Philadelphia.  While he had a gruff and tough exterior, he was really a kind and generous man underneath and an excellent role model for young black men of the day. He was a board member for the NAACP, and hey, you gotta love a man who meets his wife on an episode of Soul Train.  The only thing bigger than his heart was the size of his stomach, which served as a the “butt” of many jokes on the show. Quotable: “A hard head makes for a soft behind.”

6. Gomez Addams - The Addams Family:Gomez was a dad with style.  Always dressed to the nines with his striped suit and necktie, and he was rarely seen without an expensive cigar in hand.  An expert swordsman, juggler and knife thrower, he taught his kids to react quickly and decisively to situations presented to them in life, albeit he lacked a concern for the dramatic.  Instead, he was an eternal optimist with a vibrant inner child.  He connected well with his kids on their level, and it was always fun to watch him interact with them and make all kinds of animal noises to get a laugh.  He was a lovable, goofy father and husband, and to top it all off, he was also a billionaire.  Quotable: “He wore that finger trap for two years. Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet.”

5. Dan Conner - Roseanne: Oh, big Dan Conner was a jolly old soul, a jolly old soul was he; he had a bossy wife Roseanne who whined and complained and four little kids on his knee.  Dan was a working class dad who has a hard time keeping a job, not for lack of trying though.  He is a good worker and role model for his kids, in a loud and twisted sort of way.  He is the dad who becomes the father figure to his daughters’ friends and boyfriends, and he is often seen helping his son DJ overcome the challenges of being a slightly odd kid who enjoyed beheading barbie dolls.  If there weren’t enough reasons to like him, his youngest child on the show was named Jerry Garcia Conner.  Dan was a great example of the every man’s dad in a working class town struggling to survive financially yet keeping a positive outlook on life no matter what.

4. Red Forman - That 70’s Show: As a former Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, Red is the kind of dad that never lacks for accountability.  Having said that, he is oblivious to the antics of his cheeba lovin’ son Eric and stoner friends Hyde and Kelso.  Still, Red manages to teach some of life’s most important lessons to the kids who always hang around his house, and he does it through a combination of shame, guilt and sarcasm.  Much of the humor of the show is centered around Red’s struggle with showing his true emotions and love for his wife and kids.  His traditional views of what it means to be a rough-and-tough man often conflicted with his real feelings of concern and pride for his children.  Red was much tougher on his son Eric because that is the way his father taught him to become a real man.  In Red’s house, similar to the military, there were rules and expectations for everything, and if they weren’t followed, you were bound to receive the acrimonious “dumbass” award.  Quotable: “Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.”

3. Uncle Jesse Duke - Dukes of Hazard: Uncle Jesse wasn’t the biological father to Bo, Luke and Daisy Duke, but he was the man who cared for and guided them.  He took the kids in after their parents died in a car accident, and then he raised them on the family farm like they were his own youngins.  Jesse made a name for himself as a moonshine ridge runner back in the day, and unfortunately, Bo and Luke followed in his footsteps and got arrested.  Jesse went to bat for them and agreed to cease all shine operations in order to get them released.  Having learned many lessons in life the hard way, Jesse dispensed simple, sage-like wisdom to Bo, Luke and Daisy.  Quotable: “Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather’s clock. Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock. Guy said, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going.” The drunk says, “Why don’t you carry a wristwatch like everybody else.’”

2. Herman Munster - The Munsters: Herman was a dad who really understood what it meant to be different.  Not only was he a creation of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, but also an adopted child to an exclusive British family.  Once he became a dad himself after fighting in WWII for the American Army, he settled into a fairly normal routine of being the sole bread winner and typical father of the day.  The difference was that he was over 7 feet tall and 380 pounds.  People often underestimated Herman, but he was smarter than he looked, especially when it came to sniffing out little tricks his son Eddie tried to pull.  By all accounts, Herman was your classic and typical working dad, only he was also a monster. Quotable: “You know, Eddie, I was so far ahead of the pack, the crowd had to run after me with torches to show me the finish line.”

1. Tim Taylor - Home Improvement: Tim “The Toolman” Taylor was an incredible tool-totin’, grunt-laughin’, fix anything kind of dad.  He was father to three boys and lived outside of Rock City (Detroit).  Tim had some unexpected help from a faceless neighbor Wilson when it came to understanding some of life and parenting’s toughest problems.  The problem is that he often misses a key point from Wilson and wrecks the advice/plan.  Tim’s own father died when he was just a boy, so that helps explain why he is so involved in his own boys’ lives.  He takes time to teach them new things in a “show-and-tell” manner, and if that doesn’t work, he will resort to more extreme measures (like blowing something up).  Quotable: “More Power!”

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to share your list or suggestions for the most underrated TV dad and why.

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There is a strong trend among contemporary couples toward cohabitation.  Religion plays less and less of a decision in sexual relationships, therefore more couples are choosing to “get to know each other” better before getting married.  They see marriage as an outmoded piece of paper that doesn’t mean anything.

Over the next couple weeks, we will examine cohabitation from several angles.  Studies conducted through the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s showed that cohabitation has a strong correlation with divorce.  Recent studies, however, have pointed to possible different results. We’ll dive into the statistics and see what we can extrapolate from them.

Cohabitation is on the rise, and many people are okay with it.  Take a look at the following statistics.  In the next post I will introduce some of the studies that these statistics and we’ll discuss their context and what they mean.

• 9.6% of couples who live together are not married.

• Those who cohabit only with their fiance have lower divorce rates than those who do not cohabit at all.

• Those who cohabit more than once have a divorce rate twice that of those who cohabit only with their fiance.

• Those who cohabit report a lower marital satisfaction rate and a higher behavioral problem rate.  They experience more fights and more violence.

• People who abstain from sex before marriage report a higher rate of sexual satisfaction, including number of orgasms among women, than those who do not.

• Children who live with cohabiting parents are 20 - 33 times more likely to be abused.

What do you think?  Do you currently cohabitate?  What has your experience been like?  Do you object to cohabitation for religious or other reasons?  Why?

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