10 of the most Frequently Asked Questions By Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach

Parenting in the 21^st century is challenging and confusing for most parents. Families look and are different than years ago. Dads are raising kids more and more and more and more are the primary caregivers. We have to parent differently now. What values do we want to pass on? What do we want to teach our kids? What kind of people do we want them to be? Dads need to provide an environment for their children that is nurturing and loving with clear expectations and consequences that teach but do not shame. A Parent Coach can help with these challenges.

1. Question: What are some key reasons that a dad would seek out a Parent Coach’s help?

Answer: You have a child with difficult behavior (lack of respect, anger, back-talk, interrupting, tantrums, etc), or who is acting out or not doing well in school.  Also if you are going through: divorce, remarriage, blending a family, trauma or loss, teen alcohol or drug use, or if you want to improve family communication, balance or support.

2. Question: What should I look for in a Parent Coach?

Answer: An expert in the areas of child development and family dynamics.  They should be non-judgemental, good at building rapport, creative (they tailor plans to your family’s needs), patient, and a good teacher and mentor.

3. Question: What if I have already read parenting books and taken my child to a therapist and I am still struggling?

Answer: That’s okay and it means that you are searching for answers. Parent coaching can help because the coach works with you to tailor a parenting plan for your family.

4. Question: I have a special needs child and/or my child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, Conduct Disorder or Bipolar Disorder. Can a parent coach help us?

Answer: Absolutely, most children/teens will respond to a behavioral plan if the plan is designed for their developmental stage and age.

5. Question: Is waiting until your child is a teenager too late to change their behavioral patterns?

Answer: It is best to start as early as possible. But, even if they are 16 or 17 years old you can still turn that behavior around fairly quickly with the right plan.

6. Question: What is the biggest challenge that dads face in today’s world?

Answer: That has to be a combination of disrespect from their children and parent guilt. They go hand in hand. “If I discipline my child for being inappropriate he won’t like me but then I feel guilty because I know that I am not setting limits and this isn’t good for him.” A dad may feel guilty because he is stretched thin and overwhelmed. This is especially difficult with divorce where the kids are going back and forth between two homes. If dad doesn’t want to be “the bad guy” he might let behaviors go that need to be addressed.

7. Question: What are some of the biggest fears that dads have?

Answer: Dads believe that if they yell and scream at their kids that they will damage their children for life. They are also told that if they spank their kids that Child Protection Services will be knocking on the door.  Some dads are afraid to utilize their power and feel as if their hands are tied and they don’t know what to do.

8. Question: How does parent coaching take place?

Answer: Weekly parent telephone sessions and email, group parent telephone sessions, in-home sessions, and coaching products like books, DVDs and audio CDs.

9. Question: What if I am interested in hiring a parent coach but not sure?

Answer: Most parent coaches will provide a free consultation to see if you can work together.

10. Question: How long would I work with my parent coach and what are the costs?

Answer: Every coach has their own recommendations based on the family situation. Minimum is usually 3 months up until 12 months. Sometimes after a period of time weekly calls aren’t as necessary and the appointments can be shorter and less frequent.

Cost varies depending on your coach’s experience and expertise. Expect to pay

$500 -$1200/month for individual coaching. On paper it seems like a lot of money but most parents will tell you it was well worth the cost since the alternative of doing nothing could cost 10 to 20 times that amount. (Residential schools, therapies and medications, attorneys).

Group coaching is less expensive because you are sharing time with other parents. But, this can also be beneficial, knowing you are not alone!

Respect begins at home. When children don’t respect parents, they rarely respect their teachers and if they don’t respect their teachers this transfers to other authority figures such as neighbors, coaches and law enforcement. As young adults they have difficulty holding a job because they lack the social skills and respect that is necessary to make it in society.

Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach, works with parents whose children and adolescents are unmanageable. Susan graduated from the University of California at Berkeley School of Social Welfare.  She is a licensed clinical social worker in Connecticut and Rhode Island and also completed training with the Coaches Training Institute. Susan has written and published two parenting books, “The Take Back Your Parenting Powers System” and “Are You Tired of Nagging?” An expert in the areas of family dynamics, parenting and child development, Susan will uncover and unleash your parenting power. Get your free special report on how to get well behaved kids now at: www.ParentingPowers.com

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A Family First Entrepreneur is someone with an entrepreneurial mindset who keeps his or her family first.  As we look deeper into this definition, we must acknowledge that when business people put their families first, those two elements—business and family—affect one another in profound ways.  For example, when I want time with my kids, that choice relates to and has a direct effect on the time I spend on business and other endeavors.  Family First Entrepreneurs make business choices based on the potential impact they will have on their families first, and on business profitability second.

Another impact that people who align with this principle realize is that their families’ ability to function properly can also affect business.  There is nothing like family trauma to make a day at work both unbearable and unproductive.  They realize they need a healthy marriage and family life to be their best while producing a living.  You can see that one affects the other in profound ways, so Family First Entrepreneurs need a healthy work-life balance.

Lastly, Family First Entrepreneurs have an attitude about wealth creation which puts the goal of building wealth for the enhancement of their family first, and for “material possessions” second.  Things like time with family are bought before the Ferrari.

Whether you’re an empty nester, a single person, or have chosen to not have children, you still have a “family.”  If you are someone who puts your family first, who wants work-life balance, and who would enjoy creating wealth entrepreneurially…I welcome you to the club.

You can read more of Marc’s blogs and learn about his new book “ONO, Options not Obligations” at www.MarcWarnke.com.

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It’s at this very point, when mention of Christmas shopping starts, that husbands everywhere start to feel a little bit of panic. Don’t worry, you’ve still got 57 days until Christmas morning. Plenty of time to prepare. To spur your thinking and get your creative juices flowing, here are some ideas for some of the most popular ideas for gifts:

Jewelry. While women like shiny things, you don’t have to go really expensive. If you’re like most men, you’re hoping to find something that won’t break the bank. Next month we will showcase some of the best inexpensive handmade jewelry that your wife could ever hope to receive. She’ll be over the moon with gratitude.

Services. Spa treatments, massages, facials, self-spa kits, acupuncture, or get a maid to clean the house…for a month! It’s the gift that keeps on giving, as each time she gets a little special treatment she thinks of you.

Experiences. Glass blowing classes, a museum membership, season tickets to the theatre, pottery classes - any of these things will be a big hit with the one you love!

Things. Don’t just give a thing. Put some thought into your wife. What does she keep wishing she had? For example, my wife keeps wishing that she had a Kitchen Aid Mixer. She hasn’t gotten one yet because they’re $400, but it’s something that would mean a lot to her.

Time. The thing that makes vacations special for your wife and kids is not so much what you do, but the time you get to spend together as a family. Most of us can look back and remember some time spent with family that wasn’t doing any special thing, but that still carries a lot of positive emotional impact. Take your family on a trip for Christmas, or just give them the gift of you being there for them. Don’t forget that grandparents want to see your kids as well, and you can make Christmas extra special just by having all three generations together.

Look for upcoming guides to each of these categories - how to provide each of these things at Holiday time.

What about you? What gifts have you given your wife or kids that was really special? Ladies, what gifts have you received that have been really special?

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Teenage sexual activity is down from 53% in 1991 to just under 47% in 2005, and teenage pregnancy has decreased from 117 in 1000 to 72 in 1000 in the same time frame. National efforts to raise awareness about the problem of teenage pregnancy seems to be effective.

With all that said, fathers are still the best line of defense for stopping their daughters from having sex, getting into abusive relationships, and from getting pregnant once they are sexually active. The following chart from a 2007 survey by the National Project for the Prevention of Teenage and Unplanned pregnancy shows that while many parents think that media and their kids’ friends sway their teenagers’ attitudes about sex, the teenagers themselves say that their parents are much more likely to be a stronger guide in their choices and attitudes regarding sex.

The question that was asked was, “When it comes to your/teens’ decisions about sex, who is most influential? Is it…?” You can click on the image to enlarge it.

Fathers can help their daughters avoid teenage pregnancy in the following ways:

Have the talk. You know, that one. Have it early, have it often. I know many of you fathers go into a murderous rage or melt into a incoherent puddle when you think about some boy touching your daughter, but the fact is that your daughter needs to understand that she can talk about this with you, and that she can ask questions if she wants. Don’t allow your daughter to find out how sex works by overhearing other girls’ conversations in aerobics class. By the way, the survey cited above

Encourage teenagers to seek out positive entertainment and entertainers. The super popular Jonas Brothers have all taken vows of chastity until marriage, as has American Idol and current radio darling Jordin Sparks. Virginity is becoming as retro and cool as bell bottom jeans, tube socks, and plaid sweaters.

Be open and available to talk to your daughter. Teenagers don’t talk when you want to listen, and they don’t listen when you want to talk. They do it on their own time. Anyone with a teenager can tell you that. You have to be open to the signals. If your child wants to talk, you might only have a small window to instill a little bit of parental wisdom.

Treat your wife with respect and dignity. In case after case, girls marry men who remind them of their fathers, and children pattern their marriages after the ones that they saw growing up. If your daughter sees you treating your wife with respect, she will expect the same thing in her own relationships.

Take your daughter on a Daddy Daughter Date. One daughter shared a story about how when she was 14 years old, her father invited her on a date for the following Friday. He showed up at the front door at the time of their appointed date in a suit, with a flower for her. He escorted her to her car, opened her door, and drove her to a nice dinner at a local restaurant. The entire night, he treated her as he wanted a young man to treat her on a date. He pulled out her chair, stood when she got up from the table, and gave her his full attention (no Blackberry, no texting). Towards the end of the evening, he gave his daughter a special gift. He gave her a ring that he told her represented her chastity. He told her that he trusted her and that he only asked that when she lost her virginity she return the ring to him. The daughter held onto the ring until after her wedding and then gave it to her father, letting him know that she had stayed chaste until her wedding night.

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Here are 5 Speeches to Help Inspire Fathers:

1.  The Sermon on the Mount - Matthew 5 - 7 from the Holy Bible.  You don’t have to be incredibly religious to gain insights and inspiration from this speech by Jesus of Nazareth, in which he said, “Ye are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

2.  The Famous Patton Speech by General George S. Patton, Jr.  Patton was a legendary general.  His words are not only relevant to troops of soldiers, but also dads who want to be good leaders within their families.  He said, “The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared…a real man will never let his fear of death overpower his honour, his sense of duty to his country and his innate manhood.”

3.  Inaugural Address of John F. Kennedy.  JFK’s speech speaks to the possibilities in life, and it encourages you to take action to positively affect the world around you.  Dads want their kids to change the world for the better, and Kennedy’s words can help motivate and inspire both father and child.  “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”

4.  I Have a Dream by Martin Luther King, Jr.  King’s words stir the soul and move the spirit.  This speech will make you want to talk to you kids about living a good and moral life, as well as appreciating all of the blessings in your family has today.  Dr. King said, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:  We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.”

5.  Strength and Decency by Theodore Roosevelt.  “Teddy” Roosevelt was a hard-nosed and courageous leader, and as the speech title suggests, his words inspire strength, decency and more.  He advocated leading by example, “It is peculiarly incumbent upon you who have strength to set a right example to others….You must feel that the most effective way in which you can preach is by your practice.”

Are there any great speeches throughout history that inspire you to be a better father?  How about a better man?  Please share them with us.

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With so many adoptions happening each year, why are so many men afraid of adoption?  Well, according to a new study released by the Federal Government, they aren’t.

Wait, what?

The traditional stereotype has been that men want to continue their lineage with biological children of their own and are reluctant to adopt.  The new study shows, however, that men adopt almost twice as much as women do.

A large portion (more than half) of these adoptions are men adopting stepchildren from new marriages.  Another portion is single men, straight and gay, adopting.  Many married men are also becoming more comfortable with the idea of adoption.

Here are a few stories of men who have chosen to adopt.  Their stories are varied and interesting, at times heartwarming and difficult.

Charles Rathman, a marketing analyst from Wisconsin, and his wife adopted an ethnic child.  Went through a Lutheran adoption agency and had an uncommonly quick experience.

After completing the necessary paperwork, background checks, and home study, Charles and his wife Carla felt like they were ready to adopt.  Having heard stories about adoptions taking months, sometimes years, Charles and his wife felt like they were prepared for the wait.  They didn’t understand why their adoption caseworker was so insistent that they finish up the last few loose ends so quickly, but they soon found out.

It turns out that the agency already had a child under care that they were looking to adopt as soon as possible, and the agency wanted Charles and his wife to take this child.  Within weeks of finishing their paperwork, they had a child placed in their home.

There are a ton of couples who have chosen to share their stories of adoption on the internet.  Many of these couples share their stories using free blogging software like Blogger.com or Wordpress.com.  To read a few, try clicking here for Charles & Carla’s story, or here for Mary & Mike’s story.

John Smith and his wife adopted a child from Korea.  John said that concerns about bonding were never a problem, but that he and his wife were hampered by their family feeling that adoption was wrong, that if they were going to have children, that God would make them get pregnant.  It took 2 years for them to arrange their adoption because of international laws.  John and his wife used a non-religious international non-profit organization that has been in operation for over 30 years.  They are planning on bringing home their child by january.

Don, from Portland, Oregon, had a negative experience with adoption.  Of all of the stories that were sent to me, this one was the only negative.  He reported that while the child he and his wife adopted was fine initially, after several years the child began having behavioral problems that tests later showed were related to fetal alcohol syndrome.  He faults the adoption for his wife leaving and says that he no longer has contact with his adopted daughter.  Don reported that he and several other individuals were part of a support network that helped people deal with adoptions gone wrong.

Chris Nolte, from Iowa, related his story about adopting their now 16 year old daughter. Chris and his wife also used a Lutheran adoption ministry to find a child to adopt.  In 1992, just three months after receiving approval to adopt, Chris and his wife received a phone call telling them that they had been selected for an adoption and that they needed to arrive at the hospital to pick up their new infant the next morning.  Chris also reported never having a problem bonding with his child, and says that fatherhood is “the greatest job in the world.”

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Michael Kimmel is a professor of gender studies, specializing in men’s issues.  His new book, Guyland, explores the emergence of a new developmental stage in men’s lives.

Cory: Tell me about your work and how you decided to write Guyland.

MK: I started writing Guyland because there was something going in this new developmental stage between adolescence.  People are getting married 6 or 7 years later than they were 50 years ago.  So, what are people doing in that time?

I began to talk to my students.  They seemed to be drifting.  They seemed to be delaying the ability to have a plan for their lives, to know what they were going to be like.  How they were planning to be the husbands and fathers they were trying to be.  I wrote this book to try to explain this world they live in, why Guyland has emerged…and how to navigate this world and be the kind of adult that [they] say [they] want to be.

Cory:  So you’re saying you’re hoping to create a dialogue among guys about how to use this time to prepare?

MK: Right, how to navigate this developmental stage more consciously and more ethically.

Cory: You’re not advocating getting rid of this developmental stage or going back to a time when people got married earlier?

MK: Absolutely not.  This developmental stage is here to stay.  Many guys that I talked to are saying things like, “What’s the rush?  Why do I have to commit to a relationship and then be married to someone for 70 years?  Give me a break!”  Other guys are saying, “That world where you retire at age 65 and you get a gold watch, that world is gone.  Corporations aren’t nearly so loyal.”  What happens is that guys are taking more time to commit to careers, more time to commit to relationships.  I don’t put any value judgement on that.  What I think is that’s the world we live in, so are we going to make that a time of drift, or are we going to make it a time when people engage ethically in these issues at this time in their lives?

Cory: So, what led you to be interested in this subject in the first place?

MK: Observing college kids.  Having a 9 year old son, watching him at the very beginning start to think about what masculinity means, what it means to be a guy, what guys are like and the differences between guys and girls.  Most of my scholarship has been on the evolving and changing definitions of masculinity in America, in response, in part to the changes in women’s lives.  And I think that the most important component to this.  In the past 30 - 40 years women’s lives have changed so dramatically that it has left a lot of men confused about their own world.  If women are our equals on the athletic field, in the corporate boardroom, in the operating room in the hospital, what’s distinctive, what is there that makes us feel like men?

Cory: You’re saying that because of women’s rights coming to the forefront, men are becoming confused about their own role in society?

MK: I think some are confused.  I think some have become angry, defensive.  I think there is an edge to a lot of Guyland.  I get a lot of, where can a guy go to just be a jerk? We can’t say disgusting things about girls anymore.  Y’know, where can a guy go to just be a guy?  To just be alone with other guys and just be as jerky as he wants to be?  They feel like there’s no place any longer that’s just for them.

Cory: Would you say that guys in Guyland are happy?

MK:  I wouldn’t.   They spend a lot of time being drunk and sloppy and proclaiming how happy they are.  If guys are truly honest about it, they are not thrilled about all the sorts of things that go on and that they have to participate in - all the drunken revels, the binging, the hazing, the hooking up.  I mean, it leaves you feeling kind’ve empty the next morning.  How does a guy get a map to leave this place of being so excitedly entertained all the time with every new video game, CD, movie, all the entertainment that is constantly swirling around?  How do you navigate your world, your way through this place, and that’s why I wrote the book.

Cory: If you could sum up how a guy gets a map out of Guyland, what would say that is?

MK: Most guys drift out.  Five or six guys from the same fraternity will rent a house.  Eventually around 27 or 28 they will start to drift away.  One guy will get a job where he has to get up at 7:00 in the morning, so he can’t go out binge drinking every night.  Another guy will get serious with his girlfriend, they’ll move in together.  Another guy will say he’s going to go back to law school so he has to study real hard.  Gradually they drift away.  Most guys eventually get through this, but they don’t get through it unscarred and they don’t really develop a good life plan for their careers or for being the good fathers we want them to be.

They want to be good fathers, by the way.

The second part is, they do it with some help.  They need the support network.  One of the things I talk about in this book is how to develop the really good male friend.  Finding one other guy with whom you can share your feelings without the sort of mask and bravado that you always have to have out in public.  Remembering your parents, keeping them involved in your lives.  Remembering to maintain those relationships.

The final thing, and I think this is really important, is to listen to their own hearts.  In the name of masculinity, we guys are often asked to go along with really stupid stuff.  Guys who are making cat calls on the street and we are sort of shuffling off, hoping she doesn’t see you, all the kind of stupid stuff that we are asked to put up with all the time.  You know you don’t’ feel very comfortable with it, you laughed when I said it.

The other night I was reading the very first Harry Potter book to my 9 year old son and at the very end of that book Professor Dumbledore says it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies.  It takes even more to stand up to your friends.  That’s what I think guys need to do as well, and they need to look inside themselves at their own sense of right and wrong and stop being bystanders because it’s just easier because they’ll pick on you instead, and do the right thing.

Cory: Who inspired you to go into this kind of work and research?

MK: Feminist women.  That’s the easiest answer.  I started my graduate work doing 17^th century French history and I got turned around to thinking about male/female relationship.  At the time in graduate school feminism was exploding all around me.  Women in my life kept saying you’ve got to write about this, think about this in your own life.  I changed the course of my life and eventually taught the very first course in the state of New Jersey on men and masculinity.  I’ve started, with other people, a sub-field of gender studies on masculinity, and that’s been the subject I’ve become an expert on the past 20 years or so.

Cory: I took a gender studies course in college.  One professor talked about male issues and it was really interesting.

MK: Was that professor male or female?

Cory: Female

MK: Most of the people who are interested in gender are women.

Cory: Most sociologists who study gender are women?

MK: Most people who think about gender are women.  Most people who think about race are black people.  White people don’t spend a whole lot of time, unless they’re white supremacists, thinking about how white they are.

Cory: So a lot of the guys who are wrapped up in this lifestyle aren’t thinking about it.

MK:  Right.  There’s a lot of confusion, a lot of reluctant bystanding, because they feel like they don’t have a choice.  My students to a man tell me they want to be good fathers.  They don’t have a clue.  They’ve done no preparation, no practice.  They’ve never diapered a baby, they’ve no idea how to cook, clean, anything that you’ll have to do if you’re a parent.  You know, for them, being a father is like this mystical state of being.  Suddenly when the baby emerges they think they will know all the things they need to know and of course they won’t.  So one of the things I’m interested in is helping them develop those skills.

Cory: How would you go about trying to get your students interested in seeking out information [on being] good husbands and fathers, like you’re talking about.  Why don’t they seek out the information?

MK: Most guys are not egalitarian parents because their wives do it.  They don’t do it because they don’t have to, no one forces them to do it.  My wife wanted me to clean a lot more than I normally do so I tried cleaning up the living room, I vacuumed, and she came in and said, “this is a mess.”  Then she re-did it for me.  I can’t do it right, she’s always going to re-do it for me, so I stopped.  So, I say to these guys, if you were working at your job and your boss came in and said this is all wrong, would you stop?  Would you say, “That’s okay, I can learn to do it better?”  Why is it that when it comes to house work, guys just “stop?”  Why not say, “I can learn to do it better?  Show me what to do.”  I think that a lot of guys don’t have a plan for this and don’t know they need one.  In my experience, obviously there are a ton of mommy bloggers out there, obviously they have a lot of free time, talking about being a good enough mother.  A lot of working mothers feel guilty that they’re not being the kind of mother that they want to be, that they’re not baking home-made chocolate chip cookies from scratch every day.  The reason they’re feeling so guilty is that so often they are comparing themselves to their own mothers who did do that sort of stuff.  They’re comparing themselves to their mothers and they don’t match up because they have careers.

The thing about dads though, is that instead of feeling guilty, we compare ourselves to our own fathers and we feel pretty damn self-congratulatory.  If we do one dish, fix one meal, make the bed once, do the laundry once, we’re doing light years better than our fathers did.  We’re out there patting ourselves on the back, so we don’t need to read a blog about it.

Cory: Anything else you would tell me [and our audience]?

MK: There are two things I would say to your audience.  I speak to your audience as young men thinking about being husbands and fathers, but a lot of the men you connect with are probably also themselves the fathers of young men.  It is essential that both mothers and fathers stay involved in their sons lives.  We have this model of helicopter parenting early in their lives, we micromanage them and completely over-schedule them, and they go off to college and we go, “Okay, bye, see you later.”  Then they go off into this vacuum where there’s no adult supervision at all.  I think both parts are wrong.  At a young age parents need to back off a little bit, and we also have to stay connected to our sons when they do leave home and go to college.  Instead of being helicopter parents, I call it being power strip parents.  You help your kids stay connected, you provide grounding for them, and if it gets to overload you run interference.

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All of us want to become better fathers, and there is a lot to learn from great leaders of the past.

Here are 19 Things Dads Can Learn from Past Presidents:

1. Nobody is perfect. As John Adams said, “No man is entirely free from weakness and imperfection in this life.”

2. Values are a necessity in life. As Jimmy Carter said, “Our American values are not luxuries, but necessities— not the salt in our bread, but the bread itself.”

3. Punishment fits the crime. As Grover Cleveland said, “No man has ever yet been hanged for breaking the spirit of a law.”

4. Keep moving forward. As Bill Clinton said, “Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.”

5. You get what you pay for in life. As Dwight D. Eisenhower said, “There is no victory at bargain basement prices.”

6. Play fair and by the rules. As Millard Fillmore said, “An honorable defeat is better than a dishonorable victory.”

7. Life is not rocket science - don’t make things harder than they need to be. As Gerald Ford said, “Tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time.”

8. Act on ideas and try new things. As James Garfield said, “Ideas control the world.”

9. Treat others with fairness, respect and dignity. As Benjamin Harrison said, “I pity the man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth will starve in the process.”

10. No one likes a show off. As Herbert Hoover said, “All men are equal before fish.”

11. Be careful what you say. As Thomas Jefferson said, “When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.”

12. Admit when you don’t know the answer or what to do. As Lyndon Johnson said, “You know, doing what is right is easy. The problem is knowing what is right.”

13. Embrace change. As John F. Kennedy said, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

14. We all have something in common. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.”

15. Make the best of every situation. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

16. Take responsibility for your own actions. As Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”

17. Do a job right. As Martin Van Buren said, “It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn’t.”

18. Choose your friends wisely. As George Washington said, “Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

19. All of us are smarter than one of us. As Woodrow Wilson said, “I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.”

No matter what your political persuasion, there are many things Dads can learn from past Presidents of the United States. In addition to these useful insights, it is important for all parents to talk about the upcoming national election in the U.S. on November 4th. One of the smartest things any dad can do is teach his kids the importance of voting.

What is your favorite quote, maxim or lesson learned from a past U.S. President?

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We live in a society in which people always seem to want more. What we have is never enough. We are uber-consumers and obsessed with stuff. My house is filled with stuff that we don’t need, yet we find a way to continue buying things. Am I thankful for what we have? Absolutely - my wife and I have worked hard to get to this point in our careers and lives.

The stuff around me, though, is not what really matters. I am much more appreciative of other more substantial things in my life.

Here are some of the things I am thankful for:

My Wife - I am very proud to have a wife who is smart, intelligent, independent, beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and considerate. She is an incredible partner and a wonderful mother. I’m fortunate to have someone who understands me for who I am and values my strengths.

My Kids - My life as a father has been one of high highs and low lows. I don’t like to talk about it much, but my first daughter died of a heart disease shortly after being born. This was extremely hard on me emotionally and mentally. Anyone who has suffered a loss like this knows that life is precious and should be treasured. Now, I have a teenage daughter, toddler son and baby girl whom I appreciate more than life itself. My youngest daughter had a very rough start to life, being born premature and developing a very serious infection.  After a month in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, she came home and is doing very well now.  I am blessed beyond belief with three amazing kids!

My Family - I feel extremely fortunate to have parents who are also great leaders and role models. My inlaws are incredible people too, so I am thankful that my kids will be positively influenced by many outstanding relatives. You can’t choose your family, but if I could, I would pick one like mine.

My Strengths - I’m thankful for the natural abilities that God has given me, or nature has granted me through genetics, or the abilities I have learned or developed myself. I have always lived in, and created, an environment of building upon strengths, and I know that most people do not live like this. Life is hard for most, and I’ve had my fair share of troubles; however, I was always taught to leverage my strengths and overcome obstacles. I live an empowered life, and I know that most things happen because of me and not to me. I have the power! (I always enjoyed watching He-Man cartoons as a kid - “I have the power!”)

My Experiences - My life is full. It’s always been that way. I’m not a passive observer, even though I like to write about and chronicle experiences that I witness. I am an active participant in life, and I like to make things happen. I get involved. I volunteer. I am the first to try things, which caused many trips to the emergency room when I was a kid. I’m not afraid to fail, and I’ve done so many times. I like to learn from both mistakes and successes. My experiences have helped shape who I am as a man, husband, father, friend and leader, and I value them greatly.

I could probably write a few thousand words on the things that I’m thankful for in my life, but it seems slightly narcisstic. I’d much rather hear from you about the things that you’re thankful for in life.

What are you thankful for right now?  Please share.

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In the United States since 2000, between 7% and 25% of all couples are cohabiting in any given year.  About 50 percent of all people between the ages of 22 and 44 have cohabited at some point in their lives, compared to almost none one hundred years ago.  Not only do those who are married live longer, happier, healthier lives, but children of those in cohabiting relationships are in danger.

Cohabiting couples put their children at risk in the following ways:

- According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, since cohabiting couples are more likely to break up than married couples, children are five times more likely to experience the breakup of their parents.

- Children are 50 times more likely to be abused when they are not living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to U.S. Census data.

- Even factoring in socioeconomic and mental health differences, cohabiting couples’ children twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric disorders, diseases, suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug abuse.

- Children are more likely to suffer the negative effects of poverty and low socioeconomic status.

- Children are more likely to have difficulties forming healthy relationships.

This list is a stunning condemnation of the effects of cohabitation on children.  In no published research is there any evidence that cohabitation is beneficial to the health and well being of children.

What does this mean for us, as men?

It may seem a little obvious, but the science shows that marriage, religious or not, is important and that it works.  Arguments fostering the idea that cohabitation is a good replacement for marriage hold little weight.

Pick partners carefully. Serial cohabitation is becoming somewhat commonplace.  Get to know your partner a little bit better before moving in together.

If after dating a while cohabitation still seems like a good idea, examine your relationship a little bit closer and ask yourself if you’re moving in together because you love each other and want to be together forever, or  because it seems like the easiest thing to do?

If it’s the easiest thing to do then perhaps you should consider some of the long term effects of cohabiting.  Studies show you’ll be more likely to split up, show a lower sexual satisfaction, lower overall happiness, and more likely to divorce if you do marry.

If a woman has children, are you okay with being in the company of children?  Do you see them as an obstacle to your relationship with her?  If so, then this relationship is not for you.

There’s no doubt that cohabitation has become a commonplace arrangement in our society.  With most of the evidence against cohabiting, where will the country be when cohabiting replaces marriage as the norm?

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Native American cigars consisted of dried tobacco leaves rolled in maize or palm.  Today, cigars are slightly more extravagant, but the tradition of new dads handing out cigars to their “tribe” mates carries on.  There’s a wide range of cigars to choose from now too, and most cigar companies will let you order custom bands/boxes for the big day.

Picking the right cigar to hand out to your buddies (generic term to include gal friends) can be a daunting task, especially for someone who is not a connoisseur, so I enlisted the help of a couple of dad bloggers to make a recommendation of their favorite cigar:

Derek from The Man Page and Jim from The Busy Dad Blog both recommend: Hoyo de Monterrey Excalibur No. 1 Maduro

What Derek likes about this cigar: Ever since my days working in a cigar shop, the Hoyo Excalibur has been one of my favorites. With the large size, it was a perfect smoke that would last through much of my shift working in the store. Now the size, as well as the full-bodied and somewhat spicy flavor, make a perfect match with a nice glass of scotch while enjoying the peacefulness of my back yard. The Excalibur is a Honduran cigar made with a filler of Honduran, Nicaraguan, Dominican tobaccos and is a must smoke for anyone that enjoys a cigar that starts smooth and can bring it home with a spicy finish.

What Jim likes about this cigar: If I had to pick a nice “daily smoker” it would be the Hoyo de Monterrey Excalibur. Spicier than other favorites like Macanudo from Jamaica (which is the best starter cigar in my opinion), and more full-bodied than the ever-popular Fuente, which is currently made in the Dominican Republic, the Hoyo de Monterrey is a great cigar that has the best balance of rich flavors and just enough spiciness to give it a kick but not overpower you.

Eric from SportsDaddy recommends:  La Gloria Cubana Serie R No. 5

What Eric likes about this cigar:  This is a full-bodied cigar that also has a smooth finish to it.  It has a well-balanced, spicy flavor but it’s not so intense that you taste it for hours later.  If you’re looking for a good smoke to give to friends who know cigars, then this is definitely one to bring along.

Jared from Dadthing recommends: Good, old Swisher Sweets

What Jared likes about this cigar: My favorite cigars were the ones that we bought when our son was born that said “It’s A Boy!”  I’m not a cigar buff, but I thought they were pretty good.

Jeremy (me) recommends: Perdomo Reserve Champagne

What I like about this cigar:  The thing I like most about the Perdomo Reserve Champagne is how smooth it is to smoke.  It’s a great cigar to give out to friends who may not enjoy cigars very often. It’s mild and not too expensive (runs about $5 - $7 a pop), yet it has a rich flavor and light body.  The smell is not overpowering either.  This is a great celebratory cigar because just about anyone could smoke it and enjoy the experience.

New dads have been handing out cigars for generations, mostly as a way to connect and celebrate with friends after the birth of their new baby boy or girl.  These are just a few recommendations of cigars you may want to try for a celebration, but there are literally hundreds of brands, flavors and variations to choose from.

Did you hand out cigars at the birth of your new baby?  If so, what kind?  Even if you’re not a dad, feel free to leave a comment with your favorite cigar recommendation.

Note: Husbands & Dads is a place “where it’s cool to be a family man,” and it’s not “cool” to smoke cigars around kids.  Enjoy your favorite cigar(s) responsibly.

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Why is it more stressful for dads? Because we like to fix things…immediately; however, turning off a baby’s tears is not as simple as fixing a leaky faucet.  And, unfortunately, there are times when nothing you do works to calm an upset child.  Not to fear, though, there are some simple techniques that dads can use that will work the majority of the time.

Here are a few Tips for Soothing a Crying Baby:

1.  Eliminate the easy reasons why your child might be upset, like hunger or dirty diaper.  Most of the time, if your baby is crying, it’s because he or she wants something.  Check the child’s diaper and change it if necessary.  If you’re baby is working on a poop, then it may take a while to calm her, especially since some babies might not poop every day and build-up gas “poop-losions.”  After you try the diaper, warm-up a bottle and offer it to the baby.

2.  The five “S”s from The Happiest Baby on the Block.  If you haven’t seen the Happiest Baby DVD, it is worth every penny when it comes to soothing your child.  Basically, it covers the art of swaddling, side/stomach (positioning), shhhushing, swinging and sucking.  All of these 5 things can be used together or separately to help calm your child.  Personally, I have found that swaddling, shhhushing and swaying with my kids almost always works, if they are tired or overstimulated.

3.  Stand up, sway and sing or hum.  Babies like to be held, and you shouldn’t worry about spoiling them.  Many times just being close to you makes them feel better.  If holding them alone doesn’t work, then stand up and hold the baby with her head close to your neck.  Sway back and forth and sing or hum softly.  The combination of the closeness, motion and sound will likely put your baby to sleep, and this technique has earned many a dad the title of “sleepinator.”

4.  Make sure he isn’t too warm or cold.  Babies are very sensitive to temperature, and it’s not always good to have your child wrapped in multiple layers of clothes and blankets.  A good rule of thumb is to give your baby one extra layer than you are comfortable with in the room.  Also, if you’re outside with the child, it is important to protech him from the sun, but it may be hard to do that for very long without making him too hot.  Plan for shorter periods outside during warm or cold months, and if your child gets upset, trying going into a more controlled environment.

5.  Walk, dance, stroll or drive.  Find the type of motion that your baby likes, but only use it as a last resort.  Why?  Do you really want to have to walk around the block or drive around the neighborhood every time your baby cries?  Save this technique as your ace in the hole or last resort.

6.  Smile, make funny faces, talk to her.  Attitude is contagious, even among babies.  Your child can tell whether you’re happy, sad or stressed.  Take a deep breath, smile and make bright eyes at her - I guarantee that when she smiles back at you it will make everything “all better” for both of you.

7.  Pacify.  This is my least favorite technique, but sometimes it’s the only one that works.  Ever hear the expression, “like taking candy from a baby?” Well, this technique is like giving candy to a baby.  Pacifiers may get your child to stop crying in the moment, but it will be a battle later to get her to stop using it if a habit is developed.  Some babies find their thumbs or fingers quickly, and this may be slightly better if only because the child learns to soothe himself.  I’ve seen some dads stick their own fingers in a baby’s mouth to calm him, which to me is totally disgusting - do you know how dirty our hands are? You may need to resort to pacification, but I wouldn’t recommend relying on it as a primary means of soothing your child.

Here are some additional resources you may find useful:

Seven Reasons Babies Cry and How to Soothe Them
10 Dad Tested Ways to Soothe a Crying Baby
21 Ways to Soothe Your Crying Baby

These techniques have worked well with my kids, but I’m definitely interested in learning what has worked for you?  Moms often have the luxury of soothing through breast feeding, which is also a great way for bonding; however, dads obviously need to find different ways to calm baby.

What are some ways that you’ve found work to calm a crying baby?

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I’m a very strong believer in the power of praise to influence behavior in others.  Husbands and fathers have the ability to guide and influence family members and help them on their development path. As leaders, it is important to let people know the things that they do right and encourage them to repeat behaviors that produce good results.  Too often, people take the easy way out and focus only on weaknesses or areas of opportunity.

I really like the book How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton. The book uses the metaphor of filling a bucket to illustrate the importance and impact of filling other people’s souls with praise and positivity. Think you’re good at filling buckets? Take the Positive Impact Test to see if you’re right.

Many people have the false perception that praise given too often will decrease productivity, or deplete the ‘hunger’ inside of others to do more than what is expected. In reality, the opposite is true. When people don’t receive praise or positive reinforcement yet they do receive criticisms or negative feedback, then the direct result is a decrease in productivity and motivation.

Like anything, though, it can go too far. Over-the-top praise may seem disingenuous, and a lack of balanced feedback doesn’t help a person improve performance or grow in their role. It’s OK to be liberal with praise though - it almost always inspires short-term changes in behaviors. Sustainability of positive behaviors over the long haul, though, is linked to a combination of praise and accountability.

Effective use of praise helps to make sure that your direct reports, co-workers, spouse, kids and friends know that you appreciate them. By contrast, you may be surprised at what the Bucket Book sites as the real costs to an organization when workers feel under appreciated due to negativity and a lack of praise. A similar correlation could be made to the relationship costs within your family when you fail to ensure your wife and kids feel valued.

When a person feels valued, he or she will be much more motivated to do a good a job; be a good spouse; be a happy child; become a better friend; and, maximize their potential through enhanced confidence and self-esteem.  Positive reinforcement is one of the most powerful tools available to you as a husband and father - I hope it’s not one of those tools collecting dust in the garage next to the power saw you never use.

I believe in the power of praise. What about you?

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As your child grows into the teenage years, it’s healthy for him or her to develop their own identity and a sense of independence.  During this time, the relationship you have with them will be tested.  Some parents want their kids to treat them like a “friend,” but I’ve always found the my teenage daughter has enough friends.  She needs me to be a parent.  Still, I like to maintain a strong bond with her, even though it is at a further distance than prior times in her life.

10 Easy Ways to Bond with Your Teenager

1.  Schedule 2 days a month to spend time together one-on-one.  Let your teenager decide what to do on one day, then you decide what to do on the other.  Empower them to make decisions that you’ll actually agree to doing.  You may need to set some basic ground rules in advance, such as budget or time available.  Then, when it’s your turn to decide, pick something interesting and unexpected that might also be a pleasant surprise.

2.  Go to their games, practices or rehearsals.  They might not act like their scared, but most teens are nervous about competitive environments, mostly because they are afraid of failure.  Your presence is meaningful to them because you represent the strongest support network in their lives.  You may think that they’re ignoring you at these events, but they know you’re there and it does matter.

3.  Positive Talk - you show, they tell, every day.  Teenagers self-esteem hangs by a thread, and it’s easy for them to develop a habit of negative self talk.  You can enhance your relationship with them by setting a good example of positive self talk (show), while also teaching them to verbalize good things about themselves (tell).  Share with your teenager something you really like and appreciate about them every day, and then have them tell you something they really like about themselves too.  Make this about them and not you (trust me, that will not be hard to do - everything is about them!).

4.  Eat dinner together as a family.  Having a meal together as a family is an excellent way to open the door to family conversations.  If you’ve made this a habit prior to the teen years, then it will be easier to maintain afterward.  Teens will remember the family routines when they’re older, so you’re actually teaching them some important lessons now.  Get your teenager talking about his or her day.  Ask conversational questions.  Actively listen to them and engage in real, genuine conversation.  Put your work aside and turn the TV off.  Focus on your teen, and she will be more likely to focus on you.

5.  Help them with their homework or studies.  Making the transition from grade-to-grade during the teenage years is really hard for many kids, especially going from Middle School to High School.  Help your kids by setting rules, guidelines and expectations about homework and grades, and then take the time to help them build effective habits and understand the topics of study.  If they have a big test coming up, spend an hour quizzing them - you might actually learn some new things yourself!

6.  Volunteerism.  Most teenagers are involved in some kind of extracurricular activity, or you may be involved in something with the school or local community.  Either way, there is always a need for volunteers.  Ask your teenager what he or she is really passionate about, such as animals or the environment or elder care, then schedule some time to go and do volunteer work together.

7.  Pick a vacation destination that your teenager will actually enjoy.  Your teenager may feel like he or she is too old to go to Disneyland or Sea World, but Six Flags or Busch Gardens might be something they find more fun and exciting.  The beach is always a popular destination in the summer, and snow skiing is a fun winter activity.  Picking the right destination will greatly impact your teenager’s attitude about the trip, which will directly impact your ability to bond with him or her during that time.

8.  Enroll in an activity of their choice together.  Sign-up for karate, yoga, piano lessons, equestrian, the local 4-H or whatever they would like to do together with you (again within certain boundaries).  Doing activities like these with your teen gives you something in common to talk about other than school or friends or family.  It may also turn into something of great pride and satisfaction for you both.

9.  Play games - board games or video games.  This is one of my teenage daughter’s favorite things to do with me.  It’s easier to talk during board games, but video games may be slightly more exciting.  It’s hard to keep up with all of the video games, but it would be worth your while to learn how to play a few.  Many games also develop cognitive thinking skills, so you’re actually helping him or her while having fun.

10.  Be supportive of them when they fall.  Teens are an extremely emotional bunch.  They’re feelings are easily hurt, and every relationship they have is tenuous.  There are a lot of crying days for teens, so it creates an opportuntiy to comfort them, listen to and encourage them.

The bond you have with your teenager can be maintained with some effort on your part.  It may not seem like a big deal now, especially if you are feeling ignored or at odds with your teen, but they will remember it later in life. A father’s influence in a teenager’s life is critical.

Please feel free to share any tips you have for bonding with your teenager.

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One such person is Dana Glazer, Director of the documentary film project The Evolution of Dad. Dana is making a film about the changing role of fathers in American society. I had a chance to talk with Dana about the film, where it’s currently at in production and what he’s gleaned from the project thus far.

How did The Evolution of Dad film originate?

I was seeking a documentary subject to focus on and an old NYU classmate suggested I make a film about At-Home Dads. However, after doing some research, it dawned on me that there has never been a documentary that explores the larger role of fatherhood and that the film should be more inclusive of all types of dads.

How far along in the project are you?

I’m still shooting and will continue to be shooting for some time. There’s a lot to cover.

What are your objectives in creating the film?

To inspire dads to get more involved with their kids. To educate people about how de-emphasized the role of fatherhood is in our culture.

How many interviews have you done? Which ones surprised you the most?

I’ve done several dozen already. What is always a great surprise is when listening to a subject I become completely immersed in what they are saying to the extent that I lose any sense of time. This has happened a few times and is always a great joy. It’s also a thrill when dads are willing to open up on a very deep, emotional level - something I know will be very cathartic for viewers watching when the film is done. An example is Ralph Benitez, a Bronx dad I’m currently following. To see what I mean, you can check out a clip here.

How has making the film impacted you as a Dad?

Well, first off it makes me appreciate being a dad more. It inspires me to try and be a better dad and live up to some of the subjects I’m covering. It’s also a challenge sometimes of trying to balance taking care of the kids and making the film.

Based on your experience, are dads “evolving”? How are things different now compared to 20 or 30 years ago?

Yes, there’s definitely some ‘evolution’ going on, but, honestly, I think too many dads of today are still a throwback to that 50’s idea of what a dad should be and don’t step out of the box when it comes to rethinking family/work balance. I believe thirty years from now they’re going to be looking at us present dads like we were cavemen.

What do you want people to learn from this film?

To question their situations when it comes to work/family balance and strive to find more creative ways of creating a balance. I hope it changes mindsets about how possible (or impossible) these things are.

How have you been able to finance the project?

Honestly, it’s been a struggle. I have some seed money from a generous friend, but it’s been a challenge to raise funds. Sometimes I think that the subject of fatherhood is so de-emphasized that people just fail to see how important it is and how much the world would truly change if more dads were genuinely involved in their kid’s lives.

When and how will the film be released?

TBD. Stay tuned.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Just that I really appreciate your support of my project, Jeremy, and all that you are doing to get the word out there about how important being a dad truly is. Keep it up!

Here’s the trailer for the documentary:

Dana Glazer is an award winning filmmaker and father of two young boys. He is currently making the documentary about the changing role of fatherhood, titled The Evolution of Dad. For more information please visit The Evolution of Dad.

If you would like to help support the film by making a donation, please click here.

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