Are You A Porn Addict?
Posted on 30 September 2008 by cory
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This is a guest post from Chris Diggins, professional counselor (LMHC). You can check out his practice and blog by visiting Relationship Counseling Seattle.
Pornography is sometimes viewed as “normal” or an “art form.” A person might say, “What’s wrong with it?…I am not hurting anybody….everybody does it.” Those who promote, want to use, or can’t stop using porn, often have this perspective.
Here are some of the harmful consequences:
1. Porn often leads to more harmful sexually addictive behavior; e.g., compulsive masturbation, fantasy, promiscuity, exhibitionism, soliciting prostitutes, pedophilia, and rape. The user tends to gravitate toward the type of porn most being observed.
2. Porn by its very nature isolates an individual-making him more intent on satisfying selfish needs even at the expense of his marriage, family, financial stability, and career.
3. Porn stimulates a very powerful sexual desire followed by sexual release, most often through masturbation. Unfortunately, the release provides only momentary satisfaction, then an escalation of the behavior is required in an attempt to maintain a high level of sexual arousal.
4. Porn has the ability to control the user where he cannot stop. The fantasies occur more frequently as the addiction progresses.
Of the two pleasure centers in the brain, one is high impact, thrilling pleasure stimulated by pornography, erotic fantasies, or new sexual encounters. The other is a steady, less intense pleasure realized by walking on a beach, making love with a long term partner, helping a child with homework, experiencing deep feelings (painful or pleasant) and sharing them in a significant relationship.
A man doesn’t have to act out in dramatic ways to create harm in his life. Satisfaction can be achieved in small ways and still be detrimental. A beginner gets tastes of the high impact pleasure and slowly starts to integrate fantasies, images, and desires into everyday thoughts and behaviors. Even if he does not graduate to more involvement, this infiltration will still have a negative impact.
Supermodel Christy Brinkley’s family was destroyed by pornography. She and her husband, Peter Cook, had viewed porn together and considered it harmless. Then she discovered he had been masturbating via a web cam over the internet and had an affair with his 18 year old secretary whom he had groomed for sex since she was 15. She then pursued a public divorce trial to openly display his shameful behavior. In the settlement she was awarded full custody of the children. These severe consequences are just one example of what can happen to people.
People who stimulate the high impact pleasure center too often rarely get enough satisfaction. Porn can generate this type of pleasure with little effort. Once a man is hooked, he will have an extremely difficult time transitioning to healthy, more stable pleasure.
In my psychotherapy practice, couples enter therapy where the man has been caught using porn or acting out sexually. His wife is shocked, dismayed, and extremely angry about the betrayal. More often than not, they both believe it is about willpower and if he could only stay away from the computer, the prostitutes, or the porn, everything would be okay. They fail to realize that the sexual behavior is the symptom not the problem.
This is not like a substance addiction where a user can avoid a drink, a pusher or a drug. This compulsive behavior is lethal, since a man cannot simply avoid erotic thoughts. Especially in our culture, provocative images are everywhere. The underlying problem is that he is addicted to high intensity pleasure and does not know how to experience pleasure from everyday, ordinary life situations; such as, spending quality time with his family or having intimate talks and sharing with his wife. Frequently, neither partner knows how to enjoy these simple pleasures, therefore, it is not just the man who needs therapy. The marriage needs an overhaul where both have to address emotional issues.
I inform the couple, “this unfortunate, painful event can be used to open your eyes and turn your marriage around…you can end up with a wonderful marriage, one you never knew was possible. Yes, your husband betrayed you and he is responsible to repair the damage done to you…and his behavior is indicative of a person who is unhappy, bored, anxious, even depressed in his marriage. He did not know what to do to address his unhappiness. If he is so unhappy that he is willing to endanger his marriage, then more than likely you also are in an unsatisfying marriage….at some point you both will look back on this and the porn will no longer be an issue…in fact you will even be grateful that he got caught.”
The couple needs to learn to replace the depression, loneliness, anxiety and the high intensity pleasure with the everyday pleasures of delight and wonder for their marriage and their family life.
With the clinical evidence rapidly mounting against pornography use, the question remains: how can couples explore intimacy and their sexuality with suffering the negative effects of pornography?
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Tags | addict, addiction, christi brinkley, Marriage, marriage advice, porn, pornography
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October 1st, 2008 at 4:23 pm
People really have alone time to sit down and view porn?
But seriously, I think porn is best viewed together with husband and wife as a stimulus. Other than that, it probably can be damaging.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Check out this free e-book that I and many other men have found to be very helpful (I have a hard copy) on the effects of porn. http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
October 5th, 2008 at 5:02 am
I couldn’t agree more. There needs to be more more courageous, educated posts like this. Serial killer, Ted Bundy, in an interview prior to his execution, stated that he believed it was pornography that contributed to his actions. No good comes of this.
October 5th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
There seems to be a lot of opinion in this piece. It would be easier to believe if you would state your sources.
October 6th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Jim: Chris Diggins is a professional counselor and holds a PhD in psychology. His source is medical studies and professional experience.
October 13th, 2008 at 6:15 am
I think this may be a cultural thing. I really see no harm in “mainstream” porn. I really don’t know where you’re getting your facts from – I have yet to read a research that indicates that –
“Porn often leads to more harmful sexually addictive behavior; e.g., compulsive masturbation, fantasy, promiscuity, exhibitionism, soliciting prostitutes, pedophilia, and rape.”
Well, I mean, nothing wrong with more fantasy. I don’t really consider that one harmful sexually addictive behavior. As for “promiscuity, exhibitionism, soliciting prostitutes, pedophilia, and rape”… ummm, I don’t think so. I’m a decent suburban Mom from Israel, and I really don’t think porn is that big a deal. It’s just there, people consume it, and always have. There is such a huge variety of porn, surely not everything in porn is to everyone’s taste. That said, as long as it’s legal (and that rules out child porn and rape btw), I really don’t think that looking at nekkid people having sex is that harmful
October 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I’m with Jim and IsraeliMom. This seems to be some puritan propaganda in the guise of mental health advice.
For single men (and some married men), porn is a safe way to get sexual release and virtual experiences. This is not a danger to their existing relationships (if they have any), as long as it is manageable and does not interfere with other parts of their lives (e.g. school, work, social/friend activities).
The contradictory barrage of messages in our culture that pushes sexuality into all areas of our lives yet demonizes men’s sexuality and actions is the real mental health issue. Women want the benefit of attracting and stimulating men all day long, but they want men to deny their own sexual interests and needs unless it benefits society in some way.
Guess what? Men are no longer hostage to the “buy the cow to get the milk” agenda.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:01 am
It seems to me that those who disagree with Dr. Diggins’ opinion come with very little research to back up their own opinions. If Dr. Diggins can come up with a ream of research to back up his claims, and other people cannot cite references to refute him, wouldn’t that mean that he’s correct?
What empirical evidence is there that shows that porn can be helpful in any way? I’d love to see it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Thanks Cory!
I love this post.
I know so many women who have caught their husbands looking at this stuff.
My husband barley watches TV due to all the “soft” porn images. I feel sorry for the people who think this is a harmless behavior.
I really enjoyed looking around on your blog.
April
October 25th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
What about single guys like myself? I can understand how the obsession with porn can hurt a marriage, but I don’t currently have a girl friend so I look at porn. When I was dating I tended not to look at it so much because the real thing is usually better. But for now I don’t see how this could hurt me in the long run. I haven’t missed work or neglected any social obligations for it.
October 26th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Ron – even if you’re not married yet, everything you do now affects your marriage later. If you look at porn now, it may be setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations later on when you are married.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:14 am
No offense to anyone, and this indeed may be a cultural thing, but I wouldn’t want to marry a guy who says he never looks at porn. To me that means he’s either lying or there’s something seriously wrong with him.
As long as you’re mature enough and know how to draw the line between the porn fantasy and the reality of real women in real life, I don’t see what’s the harm. Cory, what you’re saying doesn’t make sense to me. It’s like saying people shouldn’t be reading or watching science fiction, because it might set the wrong expectations about real life and current technology.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Thanks for your thoughts here! Porn can be devastating to men and young boys. How important it is for people to be proactive when it comes to their use of the Internet!
One great way for fathers to mentor their sons amidst a porn-filled world is through accountability software. When a father is accountable to where he goes online, he models openness and honesty to his whole family:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/07/11/breaking-the-lure-of-internet-porn/
October 27th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Israeli Mom, I am laughing at you. You have no idea what is possible in a good man. My husband truly does not look at porn other than for his very difficult law enforcement career. He is forced to look at child and adult porn on cases he is prosecuting and it disgusts him. He sees firsthand the trauma created by porn, particularly in the lives of the women who pose for it. You think those women are mostly happy to be exploiting themselves for money? Of course they aren’t. And if they aren’t, how can it be a happy, harmless thing? Neither my husband and I can get into porn. It’s not sexy. And yet we have a lively, happy sex life. He’s plenty normal, trust me. He just actually has self-control.
And it’s not even that I’d flip out if he did look at porn. It wouldn’t make me feel cheated on. I wouldn’t think he was a filthy, disgusting slob. I’d be worried for him, knowing how addictive it is and how the desires formed as a result grow upon themseleves. Many men have reported this. I know men who’ve told me how porn ruined their lives for a time and was excruciatingly difficult to overcome.
There are many men like my husband and they are gems, not people with whom to be stuck.
If porn is normal, who wants normal? I’ll take extra-ordinary, thank you.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:17 am
World of Warcraft has been known to be addictive. So addicting that people have let their kids starve to death because of their addiction to this game. Why, then, is porn viewed with such disdain?
I will agree that too much porn can cause some major problems; but too much of ANYTHING can cause some major problems. Addiction is dangerous no matter what the addictive object is – whether it be drugs, video games, or porn. All of these things can destroy marriages and families, all of these things can destroy lives.
Moderation in all things.
Though, I’m with IsraeliMom – I wouldn’t trust a guy who says he doesn’t watch porn. He’s either too puritan or is a liar; I’m not really fond of either.
October 28th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Oh, Natasha, so many assumptions in your comment.
Please don’t make this personal. My husband is an outstanding man, a high ranking officer and actually, as it happens, not too fond of porn. This has nothing to do with the argument I was presenting.
I wouldn’t like to live with a porn addict, just like I wouldn’t want to live with any kind of addict. Addiction is always bad. And please don’t bring in child porn or any other illegal sick stuff – what does that have to do with mainstream porn? Adults can make distinctions, you know. Exploitation of any kind, especially of children, is sickening.
Anyways, not sure how I even got into this argument. Not like it’s on my daily agenda. I was basically commenting how this seems to be a cultural thing. Bowing out respectfully now.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Israeli Mom & Natasha – I’m only going to say please keep it civil and make no personal attacks.
Israeli Mom, I think Natasha was just reacting to your rather strong statement that there’s something wrong with men who don’t look at porn. There are many men who do, and there are many who do not. Simply because it’s not your experience doesn’t mean it’s wrong or aberrant.
Natasha, don’t make comments like “I’m laughing at you.” That’s rude.
We appreciate both of your comments, and I have a question for everyone else:
Why do so many people consider it strange if men don’t look at porn?
November 1st, 2008 at 6:56 am
Yes.
November 5th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Ok, so coming from an addict, porn can and will destroy you. I always thought I could handle in moderation as well. That moderation needed a bit more over time, then a bit more. The same as a drug addict needs more of the drug to get the high, the porn addict goes from “soft mainstream” to harder and harder types to archive that desired feeling. Funny thing, that feeling is gone so fast, you want to get that feeling again as soon as you can. My wife found me out Aug 01, 2006. Since then I’ve had some counseling, had an accountability program on my computer, and still fight it on a daily basis. Have I stumbled, yes. But I get back up and keep going in a direction away from the porn. Now that I’m going to be a father, I have an even stronger desire to overcome this thorn in my flesh. I don’t want my child to be tormented by this in their life. Some say that viewing together can be good for a couple, but that takes away from the act of love that the husband and wife share. I’ve had my time of promiscuity, never again. You want proof that porn is bad for you, there are tons of men and women out that that it has hurt, it’s just not something our society wants to hear about. The addicts aren’t the people you would think are “addicts”, they are your neighbors, your friends, or even your family member, hiding their secret in shame.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:22 am
My ex-husband was addicted to porn. He preferred masturbating to pornography because it was easier – than the real deal. Not only that, pornography fueled his sense of dissatisfaction with my body – because it didn’t look like the women he was accustomed to being turned on by – in porn.
I could go on, but I won’t. There is nothing in this world I could have done to satisfy a man – who was used to a world of “no sexual boundaries”.
The harmful consequences listed in the guest post by Chris Diggins certainly played out in my marriage.
Pornography does have victims – they are called ex-wives and kids.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Chris is right in tune with what I have heard first hand as co-founder of My Internet Doorman, the First Fully Managed Internet Filtering Service.
We have seen an increase in recent months of adults who want to self-censor, a wise choice.
Some of the men I have spoken with are desperate for help in stopping what is clearly a porn addiction. Some have lost jobs, families, and many, their self respect. They want their life back.
Mr. M – My Internet Doorman
December 30th, 2008 at 4:11 am
I completely agree with israeli mom. It is not the porn itself but the excess and easy availability of porn which is usually dangerous. The thing which is causing so much addiction nowadays is actually the internet, because of its easy availability at all times at just one click of a button. I personally have felt addiction to porn and also to news and to classics because of the internet, no 1 being the news. Because in older times you had to go get a cassette put in your VCR , wait for a time when no one is around to watch porn. Similarly to read news you had to buy a newspaper, now you can go on reading thousands of newspapers for all day and they will never end. But now even all the work is done on computer so you get the urge to get what you like ( be it sex, news, games, or whatever).
As a human being interested in sex, a moderate wish to watch porn is the sign that you are normal and sexually active. If you dont wish to watch porn ever, I would recomend that you go see a psychiatrist, as you may have deep seated fears about sex.
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I’m addicted to manliness/daddy blogs! Waaaaaaaaahhhh
January 30th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Reading the comments is interesting and presents a vast dichotomy of thought and position on the topic. These arguments cannot be “won” by either side, but I assure you, given a foothold and left unchecked porn will destroy lives, whether you have been in a relationship for many years or are still looking for mr/mrs right. Maybe you are strong enough to handle the dangers and your personality is such that it won’t affect you long term. Maybe you will be able to manage and control it without the emotional and spiritual self falling victim to the snake like charms it presents. We all have our view that is born from our own experience.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:30 am
I am just reading this article and have to say thank you for it. My boyfriend whom I love very much and am very much committed to struggles with porn addiction. It played a large roll in the end of his marriage and it has come close to ending our relationship… but I love him and care about him and want to see him over come this.
I have been with men before who watched porn and they could cut it off… but it is difficult for those with compulsive addictive personalities. In the case of my boyfriend… he is a good man. He works hard and loves me and the kids… but he struggles with porn and he realizes that it is ruining his life. It took me finding some real upsetting stuff for him to realize how much he needed help. He had become completely desensatized. I love him but dealing with this is not easy. His addiction began when he was quite young… and now we’r in our mid 30′s trying to fix things. He brought this into our relationship but I believe I love him enough to help him thru it. I never relized something like porn (which I always used to watch with prior boyfriends and saw no harm in it) could be this damaging to certain people. Its not an easy thing at all to deal with especially when you see how much power it has over someone you love….
September 4th, 2009 at 6:19 am
Take it from someone who is addicted. Started off with soft stuff like pics, then soft core films and then harder and harder. It’s a crazy addiction that truly takes control over your life. I thought I could control it but it’s hard to pull a horse by it’s tail and drag it back into the stable once it’s been unleashed. It’s a truly disgusting and abnormal habit that desensitizes you to every filthy and nasty thing. Porn is not harmless and anyone who thinks so is very very delusional or is addicted to it but does not want t feel guilty so tries to normalize it. STAY AWAY FROM THIS EVIL! Take it from someone who has been and is still going through this hell.
January 11th, 2010 at 12:06 am
Some of you have no idea the damage porn can do. I;’m currently going through a divorce, porn was a huge part of it. My husband is addicted to girl 17-22 year olds. OK, I’m 45 now…he refused to have sex with me, and squeezed in all the porn he could get his hands on. He wouldn’t watch it with me, but loved to fondle himself “girls gone wild” was his passion…besides free porn videos. It destroyed our entire family.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:28 am
People you are loosing the perspective on the matter, namely that we are talking about addicts, as in addiction, as in the last stop in something.
Look at Road of Recovery’s story and you will have to see that this is an addiction problem, not the porn itself, he’s fooling himself, looking for a blame when the answer is inside him.
Cause everyone should know by now that any addiction has a underlying problem, it’s not the means, but the reason for it that matters.
It is like saying that everyone who smokes pot or does a line of cocaine will automatically turn into a junkie, which is complete nonsense, that is completely depended on the person.
When we talk about an addiction than we talk about a problem, yes, but I still fail to see what that has to do with rape and childrensporn.
As with everything there is a very long road to follow before you become an addict in anything.
For instance been there fails to see that the problem was with her husband not the porn in itself.
My girlfriend and I are separated a lot of time during a year, so every now and again I watch some (mainstream) porn, masturbate and the matter is closed till I see my gf again and we have wonderful sex, and her body is still the one I love the most.
I don’t cheat, I don’t see prostitutes have no sexual desires for children what so ever but I am an sexually active person and any sexually active person that sees two people having sex and doesn’t feel anything tingling inside would worry me.
I think IsraeliMom said it best, she sounds the most down to earth in this matter so maybe me responding to it 2 years later is a little unnecessary but I get amazed every time I see discussions like this.
As Russ said, do not blame the ways in which some people deal with their problems, but address the problem itself, children shooting up high schools is not because of the video game they played, people that rape is not because of the porn they watch.
These are psychological problems and sometimes even gene related, the addict is an addict first and never by choice.
In fact I would say that porn is one of the least dangerous ways for these people to express their issues.
If all of those pornaddicts started smoking crack from one day to the next we wouldn’t have this discussion anymore.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:38 am
I agree with pretty much everything you have written here. I am a sex addict and have been for 25 years my wife and I have been married for 22. The internet has made my sexual fantasies get worse and worse causing me to do things I shouldn’t do: jail time if not careful. It is causing our marriage to fail; I am now attending two SAA meetings a week and the 12 steps and getting away from the internet and changing how I “visualize” women. Thanks
June 23rd, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Thanks for the article, I sure am a porn addict. It took me spending over 40 hours a week watching porn, before I realized I had a problem. But I think it is one of the best things that have happen to me, I am in a different world now.
August 9th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
It seems to me that those interested in continuing the practice of using porn can find unlimited justification. It’s amazing! My husband has the tendency to isolate himself. Always has, it has nothing to do with our marriage. Being connected to another human is the exception in his life. His use of porn fuels this tendency. For years, before we met, that’s how he did it. Sitting down at the computer is easier for him than interacting with a live woman. It doesn’t require communication, risk or intimacy. If a practice results in one remaining broken and fragmented it seems to me that is a bad thing. How will he ever become a fully functioning person if he continues his escapism?
November 26th, 2010 at 4:20 am
My name is Angela and I am a 17 years old girl..! I can’t help it. I just can’t stop watching porn every day. I have a boyfriend and friends who are really fun to be around and porn doesn’t in anyway compare up to them. yet every night I resort to porn. I tried seeking for help but it’s much too embarrassing to tell anyone. I told a priest and he told me a couple things including the fact that it’s sin. I’m afraid of burning in hell but I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF. I really really would like some serious help. Please.