A Counselor’s View on Cohabitation
Posted on 04 September 2008 by cory
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What would an experienced professional counselor say about the effects of living together before marriage? I asked Dr. Lee Jagers the following questions, and he had these things to say.
In your practice, how has cohabitation affected your patients?
This is anecdotal at best, but my sense is that those who are cohabiting seem to possess an extra layer of insulation to protect themselves from the disapproval of others. They are not brazen or defiant in an overt way, but they seem to be very locked into their mind set. After marriage, usually long after marriage, they begin to deal with some regrets and some negative attitudes toward the other partner which usually have negative implications in their experience of intimacy.
Can you describe the professional/clinical objections to cohabitation, excluding religious objections?
There is an intrinsic self-serving expediency about cohabitation that undermines the development of empathy. It is emotional sensitivity and empathy that provide the foundation for intimacy. Living together to save money and to prepare for marriage can contribute to companionship, but does not prepare the way for intimacy. The problem we face is that waiting until marriage before living together and having sex together does not guarantee good intimacy (there are many factors that prevent this), but cohabitation seems to be a definite threat to the foundation of secure enduring attachment.
New research on cohabitation shows that couples who cohabit with the intent to marry show little difference in behavior from married couples, suggesting that it’s the intent of cohabitation that may make it a negative behavior. What are your impressions?
I don’t trust the research. Obviously, if the intent of the cohabitation is selfish, the experience can lead to negative outcome. But even if the intent of the cohabitation is idealistic and loving, the inherent motives of impatience, expediency, and freedom from constraint can lead to negative outcomes. The big question for the researcher is what to measure (beyond behavior); then comes how to measure the possible impact of any precursor to marriage; then comes how to separate the contributions of various factors.
Do you see any positive effects of cohabitation?
Certainly. It provides a level of reality in the relationship which can test readiness for coming to terms with life experiences that involve another person.
Dr. Lee Jagers has been a marriage counselor in the North Dallas area for 30 years and has worked with a tremendous number of couples. He maintains his private practice, specializing in the reconciliation of marriages following an affair or addiction relapse. He also maintains a blog about his teaching and counseling work.
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September 4th, 2008 at 10:09 am
“seem to possess an extra layer of insulation to protect themselves from the disapproval of others”
What an absolutely fascinating observation.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
“seem to possess an extra layer of insulation to protect themselves from the disapproval of others”
Well they kind of have to have it. Unless one develops a thick skin, it can be devestating to have people randomly offer unsolicited comments that express a disrespect for your relationship: being told that all you’re interested in is sex or that your boyfriend doesn’t really want to be with you because he hasn’t bought you a diamond ring.
I think an ability to insulate oneself from the comments of others is entirely necessary.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“Living together to save money and to prepare for marriage can contribute to companionship, but does not prepare the way for intimacy.”
Now, that is an excellent observation. Cohabitation is very functional, but does not foster intimacy. I think it could be extrapolated that it is a hindrance to intimacy.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Thanks for your comments all. Dr. Jagers is an interesting person to talk to, and he has a wealth of experience. I recommend taking a look at his site.
Have any of you ever visited a marriage counselor before?
September 4th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I’d like to know what people’s experience has been with any type of couple’s counseling - marriage, sex, communication, parenting. I had a bad experience with a counselor as a young man, but it could have been more a factor of my age and maturity than the counseling, regardless I’ve never been back since. Anyone have any good experiences?
September 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
@Jeremy - I was staying out of this one because my experiences with counselors has not been good and, honestly, I really didn’t have anything positive to say.
But, since you asked, I couldn’t resist replying..
I’ve seen two counselors in the past (one marriage, one personal), and I was told my sympathy towards homosexuals is because I am a closet homosexual and my “practical” attitude towards marriage as a function of life as well as a declaration of love is because I am not ready for a life-long commitment and I should not be married.
Yeah, my opinion of counselors? Not real high.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
@ Jeremy - counselors are like anything else you have to find the right fit. You need to find someone your comfterable with and whose style of therapy is right for you. The mistake a lot of people make is they think a degree on the wall makes them qualified to help you and that they are all the same. Not always true there are both good and bad counselors because at the end of the day they are humans too with their own problems and issues.
I had a counselor when I was teen that lied to my mom and step-dad to get me locked up in a psych hospital she told them I did drugs which I did not (interestedly enough the first time I did drugs was in to the hospital they sent me to) and that I was having suicidal thoughts even though I didn’t/don’t believe in suicide. I didn’t need to be in that place but because she was on the board and got a fee every time she sent someone in not to mention her therapy fees I end up in there for 3 months before my father found a therapist that wasn’t on the payroll that told my mother I was fine and needed to be released and even got my original doctor’s license taken away for lying and having teens locked up so that she could profit ( I was not the only one she did that too nor was she the only doctor at that hospital that did that).
Many, many years later when my son needed some counseling I went to doctor after doctor until I found someone who really listened and helped and whose style I found to be a right fit. Many of the doctors’s wanted to label him ADHD and he was not. They wanted to drug him not help him. With the right help he flourished as it turned out he was having issues because of his dad and was acting out trying to get his attention (i.e. discipline). But the counslor was great and helped me to realeize that some of them are really just there to help.